My “issues” and my marriage
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Anonymous
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Married 16 years, mid-40s, 2 late elementary kids. DH is a good person, has been a good husband and great dad. I’ve been dealing with a mental health issue - don’t want to get too specific, but think anxiety, that’s been particularly bad this year. I love DH and I like him and I know he loves me but he doesn’t understand the mental health issue and has been very frustrated with my inability to totally overcome it (I’ve made progress but it’s not total or without setbacks for various reasons) doesn’t want to hear about it, wants me to be completely functional as if I don’t have the problem and had said some hurtful things at times - “you are being an a$$hole”, “do you need to be in a loony bin”, “you are f’ing crazy”
I get it. It’s really hard to live with someone who is a downer for months on end. I am on meds, have a psychiatrist, psychologist, read self-help books, exercise and started meditating so I AM trying. While this is going on I’m still doing what I need to do - work, taking care of kids, cooking all meals, home related tasks but it’s just been there in the background. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like DH wants nothing to do with my issue - I have to appear to be totally “fine” in all interactions with him. So, I’m trying to do that but the upshot is that I feel pretty alone and it’s making me not want to engage with DH in any way other than practical daily stuff related to the house and kids. It’s like to protect myself I’m telling myself I need to think about my situation as if I’m not married. I’m just not sure how to find our way back. I wish I didn’t have this problem but I do. I can’t imagine divorcing - my children would be devastated - but I feel like DH and I are kind of emotionally disconnected. Any advice? |
Anonymous
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I sympathize totally. I struggle with AWFUL (like incapacitating) anxiety and though meds control it well, every now and then I need to switch them, or crash, or something. DH has no history with this stuff and is totally confused by it. He's not sympathetic though he's gotten better - the worst thing he said was probably 10 years ago now, which was "this is not a marraige." We generally have a really good relationship.
Overall I've learned that he's just not going to be my outlet for this stuff. He's a great dad, partner, everything else - but this he just.doesn't.get. I have friends who do, a wonderful therapist, etc. And I need to have him be the one managing the kids etc when this happens - I know it's frustrating for him and I wish he understood it better, but for the kids' sake it's probably best that he doesn't (one of them is starting to exhibit my type of anxiety). Hope that helps some! |
Anonymous
| You are seeking his support and compassion with your struggle, but hiding that you are struggling. Pretending all is just fine and sticking a smile on your face when you feel like you are drowning inside, will lead to resentment. Of course their will be a disconnect. You are unable to discuss an important health issue you with your spouse. His lack of understanding and empathy of the situation, may be contributing to the anxiety. Does he see anyone, or do you both see someone together that help with the relationship impact from mental health issues? |
Anonymous
| I keep looking for the 50 and over issue in the thread, someone enlighten me. |
Anonymous
| Ask your counselors for advice on how to deal with your DH. They might even want to speak with him. |
Anonymous
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OP it strikes me that if you work really hard to give him the "normal" version of you that he is clearly desperately seeking, you may find yourself half way back to where you want to be. I know this sounds simplistic but its based on the premise of "fake it till you make it".
Years ago I found myself in a deep depression and honestly this method was the only thing that saved me (and my long term relationship at the time). |
Anonymous
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Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.
Some think one can simply “snap out of it” or sit in the sunshine while taking vitamins. What your husband needs to do is LEARN about mental illness. He needs to learn that it IS an actual disease that takes place in the body and that it is not a personal choice. Perhaps have him read a good book that explains all this to him so that he can be offered some clarity on this. I strongly doubt that your husband is intentionally trying to be mean or inconsiderate of your situation . He may just be uneducated about mental illness. |
Anonymous
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You need to realize your husband is dealing with your mental illness the best they know how. Acknowledge that. You are not the only person suffering. Living with someone like you is a never ending emotional drain. Give them a break. It isn't all about you.
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Anonymous
| By chance do you happen to be lying in a ball on the floor crying and complaining that he's ordering Chinese food? |
Anonymous
+1 I could have written this exact post. I feel like I’m in the middle of hell, so I understand what you’re through. I don’t have any answers, but am doing all of the same things as you — psychiatrist, therapist, read self-help books, exercise, work full-time, take care of the kids, etc. I feel completely disconnected and have been thinking about divorce. It is hard. Hugs, OP. |
Anonymous
Perfecto! |
Anonymous
| I would have serious serious issues with any person, especially one who supposedly loved me, saying "You are f*ing crazy!" to me, under any circumstances. Unless maybe I was coming at him with a knife or threw my kid off a bridge. Anything less than that, TOTALLY unacceptable! |
Anonymous
Sounds like the spouse has reached their limit and lost their temper. It's not easy being a person with mental illness and just as difficult for their spouse except the spouse is suppose to be a saint and not complain, be supportive, understanding, patient, etc. Living with crazy is hard. Give them some slack. |
Anonymous
| How does your illness impact the lives of DH and your DCs? How long has your meds/therapy been in place and are you improving? If not, time to acknowledge things need to change? |
Anonymous
| Men are not good at being caretakers...news flash. Find a support networking outlet to get sympathy for your issues elsewhere. |