Is joint custody a fait accompli? [MD]

[Anonymous]

I’ve read many posts here that indicate most separations and subsequent divorces will award joint custody unless there are extenuating circumstances. Here’s my situation. I finally earn enough to leave (or rather, have him leave) and take care of the kids on my own. Tight but doable, I assume no spousal support. I make 2x what he makes, he can’t afford a place big enough to have the kids half time, not even in the exurbs of Frederick Co, let alone near the kids’ school (we are in MoCo). Also, he is an addict, has not really been successful at AA (off and on again), and he has serious anger management problems. No snark here, I have been pleading with him for years to get checked, see if there is an underlying mental problem, chemical imbalance, what have you. Fallen on deaf ears. He also has a DV conviction a few years ago (different state). He is still prone to violence, not always at me but in general (breaking things, etc.) kids have unfortunately seen it, marriage counselor knows about it, I just haven’t called the cops in a while. Don’t want to get into all that now, but I suppose I can assume there are records over the years when I have called (even if he wasn’t arrested).

I don’t think I have a problem with the weekend Dad thing for outings, a ball game, the zoo, but definitely not living with him, or even staying overnight, without me to protect them, on a regular basis. I don’t know how I establish with a court that he’s “unfit” for 50/50 custody. AA friends and his sponsor can’t corroborate (anonymous), I assume our marriage counselor can’t divulge anything (confidentiality). Is a DV conviction a few years ago enough? What else can I say or try to prove to ensure I am primary, custodial parent the majority of the time?

[Anonymous]

You can pay a lot of money to therapists to say he should not have custody or visitation and hope it works. The big issue is you will probably have to pay him child support if you make twice as much. For enough money, you can find someone to say what ever you want but taking away your kids father will hurt them more than him.

[Anonymous]

Big question- does he WANT 50/50 custody? Judges will do what is in the best interest to the children. They will also listen to what each parent wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big question- does he WANT 50/50 custody? Judges will do what is in the best interest to the children. They will also listen to what each parent wants.

Not all judges do what is best for the kids nor care. They go with what is easy. Some judges are great but others do what ever they can to get your case through quickly and barely listen to any evidence.

[Anonymous]

if I were you, I'd be worried about having to pay alimony, especially if he decides to quit his job.

No advice, just hope everything works out well for you and the kids. It would be really scary for the kids to be trapped at the dad's house if he's potentially violent and unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? You will likely owe him alimony and child support so he can afford a place with the kids. So far, he has a temper, an old DV conviction but is employed and you and DCs have stayed with him for years which shows he is not a threat to their or your safety. He is going to get 50/50 And overnights if he wants them.

[Anonymous]

Let’s get the facts. He hs never been physically violent with the children and holds down a job. You aren’t going to be able to prove he is unfit. I suggest working with him on co-parenting. Having him agree to a breathalyzer when dropping and picking up DCs if his drinking is out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? You will likely owe him alimony and child support so he can afford a place with the kids. So far, he has a temper, an old DV conviction but is employed and you and DCs have stayed with him for years which shows he is not a threat to their or your safety. He is going to get 50/50 And overnights if he wants them.

OP here, can courts award him alimony and child support if I can’t afford it? I will literally be just getting by (renting, we don’t own a home, no 401(k), no 529s) - just paying bills, groceries, health insurance on my own. I will have no disposable income to pay him anything. Is that what I am facing? Maybe I can’t get out yet. That seems so unfair, I just want my kids to live in peace, salvage their childhoods, get them counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s get the facts. He hs never been physically violent with the children and holds down a job. You aren’t going to be able to prove he is unfit. I suggest working with him on co-parenting. Having him agree to a breathalyzer when dropping and picking up DCs if his drinking is out of control.

OP here. That’s good in theory but he still has “episodes” (that’s what I call them) even when he hasn’t been drinking. We can’t co-parent now with years of counseling and all the rest. I am the glue, it’s all me for this family. And courts will overlook the physical abuse upon me, but say that since he hasn’t hit the kids (yet!), it’s okay? He’s fit? My God, is this how it really works?

[Anonymous]

Do you have documented evidence of physical evidence? Recent?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your situation but it may be you have to have a family Apt and switch with EX living in a studio rental so DCs have access to both parents. If DCs are over age 11 you may have a chance as they can testify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve read many posts here that indicate most separations and subsequent divorces will award joint custody unless there are extenuating circumstances. Here’s my situation. I finally earn enough to leave (or rather, have him leave) and take care of the kids on my own. Tight but doable, I assume no spousal support. I make 2x what he makes, he can’t afford a place big enough to have the kids half time, not even in the exurbs of Frederick Co, let alone near the kids’ school (we are in MoCo). Also, he is an addict, has not really been successful at AA (off and on again), and he has serious anger management problems. No snark here, I have been pleading with him for years to get checked, see if there is an underlying mental problem, chemical imbalance, what have you. Fallen on deaf ears. He also has a DV conviction a few years ago (different state). He is still prone to violence, not always at me but in general (breaking things, etc.) kids have unfortunately seen it, marriage counselor knows about it, I just haven’t called the cops in a while. Don’t want to get into all that now, but I suppose I can assume there are records over the years when I have called (even if he wasn’t arrested).

I don’t think I have a problem with the weekend Dad thing for outings, a ball game, the zoo, but definitely not living with him, or even staying overnight, without me to protect them, on a regular basis. I don’t know how I establish with a court that he’s “unfit” for 50/50 custody. AA friends and his sponsor can’t corroborate (anonymous), I assume our marriage counselor can’t divulge anything (confidentiality). Is a DV conviction a few years ago enough? What else can I say or try to prove to ensure I am primary, custodial parent the majority of the time?

My brother has joint legal custody but no physical custody. He does get visitation. Here on a Maryland. He has a lot of similar problems. It was all about his poor parenting and his living situation with his new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? You will likely owe him alimony and child support so he can afford a place with the kids. So far, he has a temper, an old DV conviction but is employed and you and DCs have stayed with him for years which shows he is not a threat to their or your safety. He is going to get 50/50 And overnights if he wants them.

+1

[Anonymous]

He will not get alimony if he is working but he can get child support to help him maintain a home/kids things while in his care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will not get alimony if he is working but he can get child support to help him maintain a home/kids things while in his care.

Not true. You get alimony if you make less. Works for men as well as women