Need a check on my anger - SIL drops by when I said it wasn't a good time

[Anonymous]

Here's the situation. My kid's birthday party was this past weekend. My SIL couldn't make the party. But she texts me the night before asking if she and her Dh could drop off their birthday gift to us at 8 am the morning of the party. I respond that that morning will be crazy busy and it's just too early for us but maybe another day. She doesn't respond.

The day of the party, we are running around prepping for the party. At 8:30 my kid runs up and tells us that his aunt dropped off a birthday gift and proceeds for the next hour or two begging us to put it together. I am annoyed as F. Not only are we running around prepping for the party, but we have our kid begging us to put the toy together. So, we're either taking time out to explain that we can't put it together until after the party, or we're taking time out to put the damn thing together.

So, on the one hand, I'm not supposed to be mad because my kid got a birthday gift. OTOH, why text and ask if you could drop off a gift only to ignore my response and do it anyway?

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she thought my "no" meant that we wouldn't have time to stop and visit with them before they left town so instead she drove up, saw our kids playing in the front yard, gave the gift and drove away without "bothering" us. But the text was written in such a way that already made it clear they weren't planning to stay for a visit before leaving town. It was clearly a "drop the gift off on our way out" kind of thing.

By the way, they live about 7 minutes away so it's not like it's a long haul to come another day to drop the gift off. In fact, they visited us the next day when they came back to town.

I'm mad. I'm mad because this isn't the first time SIL has done whatever she wanted to without thinking about others. But I want a reality check that I'm not overreacting because of her history with this kind of thing.

Oh, and if you all think it was rude/selfish or whatever, should I say something to her? If I should, what should I say?

[Anonymous]

She wanted to make sure your son got your present. You said you'd be busy and not have time for a visit. So she didn't visit - she did a drive-by.

Thank her so much and have your son write a thank you.

[Anonymous]

"I'm mad. I'm mad because this isn't the first time SIL has done whatever she wanted to without thinking about others. But I want a reality check that I'm not overreacting because of her history with this kind of thing. "

This is it right here.

Overall, this is not a big deal. But you feel disrespected because of history with her.

Be glad she was thoughtful enough to buy a gift, and bring it by, even if the timing wasn't perfect. Deep breaths, move on.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, if I was the SIL I would not have thought you didn't want the GIFT at 8 am, only that you didn't want a VISIT at 8 am. I don't think you have a good reason to be angry with her.

[Anonymous]

You're overreacting.

Telling a kid "no we don't have time to put it together until later but your aunt is so thoughtful to drop it off before her trip." really isn't life altering.

Stop being mad. Deal with your "overall" issues separately so you don't end up losing it at some other inappropriate time and look like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to make sure your son got your present. You said you'd be busy and not have time for a visit. So she didn't visit - she did a drive-by.

Thank her so much and have your son write a thank you.

+1

[Anonymous]

this is OP and thanks all for the reality check. I'll get over myself and move on.

To answer some questions, though, of course thank you notes to SIL will be sent. But to the other pp - SIL's text was clear that they weren't visiting - they specifically asked about just dropping off the gift, so there was no miscommunication about whether we wanted a visit or not (I was trying to give benefit of doubt, but in re-reading it, it's clear they didn't want to visit at all). But, it's about the bigger, overall issues we have and like pp's recommended, I'll have to deal with that separately.

[Anonymous]

Total overreaction. And honestly, it's super rude to tell family they can't come by.

[Anonymous]

Did she drop it off wrapped? If so, your kid should have waited to unwrap it at the party.

[Anonymous]

The 8 am request was to see if you were free, you weren’t, so she likely thought she could still deliver it *so your son had his present on his birthday*, without any visit.

Your child asking for it to be put together is actually an issue between you, your spouse, and your child. I hate this phrase more than life itself, but “be the parent”.

This board always amazes me. Half the sister in laws are $*(t as they don’t pay enough attention to their Nieces and nephews, and the others suck because they’re not under the posters thumb.

[Anonymous]

You're out of line OP.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain, OP, but yes, I agree that you are overreacting. You just have to let it go. It sounds like your SIL is pretty inconsiderate and thoughtless at times, which bugs you. This isn't really one of those times, though. She just wanted your child to get his gift, even though it wasn't the best time for you. A more thoughtful person would have waited, but she didn't think the whole thing through. She may do this a lot, which is why this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have a SIL like this. Little things like this drive me crazy. I've learned to shrug it off, walk away, not respond. She's the crazy, inconsiderate one. If I react, she wins, but I understand how difficult it is not to react. You didn't need another thing dumped on your doorstep, literally, the morning of the party.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you are out of line. You don't dictate where and when people give you gifts. What you can do it tell them that it isn't a good time for a visit. So she heard that and she didn't stop to visit, just dropped the gift off and planned to visit with the family another day.

My first reaction if my child ran up and said someone had dropped a present off and child wants to build the toy right away is "Did you make sure to thank the giver?" And then it would be to tell him that I know he's excited and it's so nice that auntie dropped off the gift, but we'll have to put it aside until after the party when we have more time.

You're acting a little self-centered if you think that you can tell someone when to give you or your child a gift.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing SIL does not have kids. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. To a childless person they wouodbthibj it’s no big deal. To the parent that has to deal with the kid, it’s annoying as hell. However since your SIL does not live in your house she likely didn’t consider the unintended consequences of her actions. You could try to explain, but if she doesn’t have kids she won’t understand until she does and in the mean time she’ll just think you’re crazy.

In short. Let it go. You were stressed about the party and are making this more of a big deal than it really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to make sure your son got your present. You said you'd be busy and not have time for a visit. So she didn't visit - she did a drive-by.

Thank her so much and have your son write a thank you.

+1

+2

It sounded to me like she did what you asked (not bother you when you're busy). I actually had to read your post twice to figure out why you were so upset. She wanted her nephew to have a present on his birthday and she honored your wish of leaving you alone. The fact that your kid wouldn't stop pestering you to put the toy together is not her problem. That may have been the consequence of her actions, but I highly doubt it was an intended one. I think you let this bother you WAY more than it should have.