Need a check on my anger - SIL drops by when I said it wasn't a good time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing SIL does not have kids. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. To a childless person they wouodbthibj it’s no big deal. To the parent that has to deal with the kid, it’s annoying as hell. However since your SIL does not live in your house she likely didn’t consider the unintended consequences of her actions. You could try to explain, but if she doesn’t have kids she won’t understand until she does and in the mean time she’ll just think you’re crazy.

In short. Let it go. You were stressed about the party and are making this more of a big deal than it really is.

Even if she does have kids, I don't think I would assume that a child would annoy the shit out of their parents if I gave them a present. I mean, my kids can be annoying, so I wouldn't like that annoyance when I was already busy and stressed, but to blame that on the SIL is way too much.

[Anonymous]

This will always be someone who does as much as she can get away with, and you know that. In this case, all you can do is thank her for the gift. I’m sure there will be other events when you can make your displeasure more apparent.

And honestly, in this particular instance, she was right. I routinely run around like a maniac setting up parties every year, and dropping off a gift without coming in to chat seems ideal. I would have no trouble shutting up my kid about opening the present - don’t raise brats.

[Anonymous]

You need to check your anger.

You would have complained if SIL cancelled on the party and then DIDNT bring a gift for your DS.

It’s not your SILs fault that your DS is distracted by the gift - take the gift and tell DS he can open it and play with it when it’s time to open presents.

Are you an irritable person in general who will take any perceived slight and blow it out of proportion?

[Anonymous]

You're smart to recognize that this incident isn't the problem, but the overall dynamic is. Work on setting better boundaries (some people are pushers and this requires effort) and the little things won't be as bothersome. She also may back off as folks like this are often skilled at knowing whom they can run over.

Did she drop the gift off unwrapped? How did your kid know what what it was? If your kid unwrapped it downstairs without your knowing, well, SIL isn't to blame. A wrapped gift can easily be put up and away with minimal drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the situation. My kid's birthday party was this past weekend. My SIL couldn't make the party. But she texts me the night before asking if she and her Dh could drop off their birthday gift to us at 8 am the morning of the party. I respond that that morning will be crazy busy and it's just too early for us but maybe another day. She doesn't respond.

The day of the party, we are running around prepping for the party. At 8:30 my kid runs up and tells us that his aunt dropped off a birthday gift and proceeds for the next hour or two begging us to put it together. I am annoyed as F. Not only are we running around prepping for the party, but we have our kid begging us to put the toy together. So, we're either taking time out to explain that we can't put it together until after the party, or we're taking time out to put the damn thing together.

So, on the one hand, I'm not supposed to be mad because my kid got a birthday gift. OTOH, why text and ask if you could drop off a gift only to ignore my response and do it anyway?

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she thought my "no" meant that we wouldn't have time to stop and visit with them before they left town so instead she drove up, saw our kids playing in the front yard, gave the gift and drove away without "bothering" us. But the text was written in such a way that already made it clear they weren't planning to stay for a visit before leaving town. It was clearly a "drop the gift off on our way out" kind of thing.

By the way, they live about 7 minutes away so it's not like it's a long haul to come another day to drop the gift off. In fact, they visited us the next day when they came back to town.

I'm mad. I'm mad because this isn't the first time SIL has done whatever she wanted to without thinking about others. But I want a reality check that I'm not overreacting because of her history with this kind of thing.

Oh, and if you all think it was rude/selfish or whatever, should I say something to her? If I should, what should I say?

Yes, you overreacted and I think maybe you need less stressful parties. Seriously, we all get the vibe you don't like SIL but, how is your son bothering you her fault? She didn't bother you and she bought a present! Who complains about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to make sure your son got your present. You said you'd be busy and not have time for a visit. So she didn't visit - she did a drive-by.

Thank her so much and have your son write a thank you.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

This is just so, so small. She didn't come in. She wanted the gift to be on time. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

I woukd be annoyed, but would just thank her for the gift.

The rule with my inlaws is you buy a gift that needs assembling, you are the one doing the assembly. Ok, it started as a joke, but man has it worked out.

Dropping off a gift that needs assembling when she knew you were busy is annoying, but she just was not thinking.

[Anonymous]

She did not know your child would be annoying and not listen to you when you told him something.

Sounds to me like the issue is with your impatient child.

[Anonymous]

This is OP and I got it. I got it. I overreacted and like I said, will move on from this. But - for those pps that keep saying she was texting to see if they could stop by for a visit. No- it was VERY clear that they were NOT checking about visiting. At all. The text was asking about whether they could do exactly what they did - drop off the gift - not visit - drop off. I didn't go into details in case my SIL reads DCUM, but she specifically said in her text they are leaving that morning, and that they wanted to drop off the gift.

I posted on here to get a check on my (over)reaction. I got that. Thanks. but WTH does she even text and ask if she was going to do it anyway? (and I'm not going to go into the details of the text, but there was no request for a visit, chat, sit-down, whatever - it was explicitly about dropping off the gift).

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. It's annoying that SIL texted in advance only do then do whatever she wanted anyway. I get it. But as PPs have said, and as you seem to know now, this is not a big deal. Your reaction likely was more about your history with her AND the fact that you were stressed that morning. When I am stressed out about something, I tend to overreact at the smallest things. You cannot control other people so no use wasting your energy on something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I got it. I got it. I overreacted and like I said, will move on from this. But - for those pps that keep saying she was texting to see if they could stop by for a visit. No- it was VERY clear that they were NOT checking about visiting. At all. The text was asking about whether they could do exactly what they did - drop off the gift - not visit - drop off. I didn't go into details in case my SIL reads DCUM, but she specifically said in her text they are leaving that morning, and that they wanted to drop off the gift.

I posted on here to get a check on my (over)reaction. I got that. Thanks. but WTH does she even text and ask if she was going to do it anyway? (and I'm not going to go into the details of the text, but there was no request for a visit, chat, sit-down, whatever - it was explicitly about dropping off the gift).

Oh, OP, you strike me as the type who, if SIL hadn’t dropped off the gift, you would be complaining in a week that she HADN’T dropped off the grift, but they ooonnnnllllyyyy live *seven* minutes away.

The fact that your SIL DROPPED OFF a gift should be low on your radar of problems in life.


If I texted my brother to ask about dropping off a gift for my niece, I’d basically be asking if he had time for a quick chat and coffee. I usually don’t expect to have to drive by. I’d probably even use the word “drop off”, because we are all reasonable people, and as we both had things to do (me travelling, him a birthday party to prep) this would mean a quick hello/goodbye, a quick cup of coffee, and a happy birthday to the birthday person. If that didn’t work, I wouldn’t automatically assume that means I am banned from his property for 48 hours and could not put the gift in the mailbox at a time I figured everyone else was occupied anyway, as a suprise for my niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I got it. I got it. I overreacted and like I said, will move on from this. But - for those pps that keep saying she was texting to see if they could stop by for a visit. No- it was VERY clear that they were NOT checking about visiting. At all. The text was asking about whether they could do exactly what they did - drop off the gift - not visit - drop off. I didn't go into details in case my SIL reads DCUM, but she specifically said in her text they are leaving that morning, and that they wanted to drop off the gift.

I posted on here to get a check on my (over)reaction. I got that. Thanks. but WTH does she even text and ask if she was going to do it anyway? (and I'm not going to go into the details of the text, but there was no request for a visit, chat, sit-down, whatever - it was explicitly about dropping off the gift).

NP and I must say that the additional information makes you seem more unreasonable. A quick drive-by, drop-off is hardly something to get worked up about or to push back on unless there was something else going on like her mortal enemy being inside your house with a gun, the gift is a giant inflatable purple unicorn that would be left on your lawn while you are away or its code for truckload of illegal drugs being left on your driveway. You need a Xanax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I got it. I got it. I overreacted and like I said, will move on from this. But - for those pps that keep saying she was texting to see if they could stop by for a visit. No- it was VERY clear that they were NOT checking about visiting. At all. The text was asking about whether they could do exactly what they did - drop off the gift - not visit - drop off. I didn't go into details in case my SIL reads DCUM, but she specifically said in her text they are leaving that morning, and that they wanted to drop off the gift.

I posted on here to get a check on my (over)reaction. I got that. Thanks. but WTH does she even text and ask if she was going to do it anyway? (and I'm not going to go into the details of the text, but there was no request for a visit, chat, sit-down, whatever - it was explicitly about dropping off the gift).

Oh, OP, you strike me as the type who, if SIL hadn’t dropped off the gift, you would be complaining in a week that she HADN’T dropped off the grift, but they ooonnnnllllyyyy live *seven* minutes away.

The fact that your SIL DROPPED OFF a gift should be low on your radar of problems in life.


If I texted my brother to ask about dropping off a gift for my niece, I’d basically be asking if he had time for a quick chat and coffee. I usually don’t expect to have to drive by. I’d probably even use the word “drop off”, because we are all reasonable people, and as we both had things to do (me travelling, him a birthday party to prep) this would mean a quick hello/goodbye, a quick cup of coffee, and a happy birthday to the birthday person. If that didn’t work, I wouldn’t automatically assume that means I am banned from his property for 48 hours and could not put the gift in the mailbox at a time I figured everyone else was occupied anyway, as a suprise for my niece.

Yes, but you're not the one that texted me. And as I said, there was more in the text (that I'm not disclosing here) that made it clear it was not for a visit - even a quick chat, coffee, etc. (don't know how many more ways I can say this)

And you're wrong about me complaining about her not dropping off a gift (or not even giving a gift).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I got it. I got it. I overreacted and like I said, will move on from this. But - for those pps that keep saying she was texting to see if they could stop by for a visit. No- it was VERY clear that they were NOT checking about visiting. At all. The text was asking about whether they could do exactly what they did - drop off the gift - not visit - drop off. I didn't go into details in case my SIL reads DCUM, but she specifically said in her text they are leaving that morning, and that they wanted to drop off the gift.

I posted on here to get a check on my (over)reaction. I got that. Thanks. but WTH does she even text and ask if she was going to do it anyway? (and I'm not going to go into the details of the text, but there was no request for a visit, chat, sit-down, whatever - it was explicitly about dropping off the gift).

NP and I must say that the additional information makes you seem more unreasonable. A quick drive-by, drop-off is hardly something to get worked up about or to push back on unless there was something else going on like her mortal enemy being inside your house with a gun, the gift is a giant inflatable purple unicorn that would be left on your lawn while you are away or its code for truckload of illegal drugs being left on your driveway. You need a Xanax.

This is OP and no, there wasn't anything more - except of the history of her behavior. And like others have said (and I listened to and agreed) I overreacted about this and let it drop. My anger was more about her past behaviors that are typically selfish and self centered and it's clear that I projected those past behaviors onto this benign event.