Does your SO share qualities of your opposite-sex parent?

[Anonymous]

An ex-BF of mine, his mother passed away earlier this year, and he reached out to me again. I also didn't know until I saw her maiden name in the obituary that his mother and I are both from the same ethnic group (let's just say "Latino" for example).

It got me thinking that, especially since I'm a couple years older than he is, well maybe I remind him in some way of his mother?

I'm not offended by the thought.

My grandfather and father both were enlisted in the Army, and I have a soft spot even years later for men in uniform, especially the Army uniform.

And yes, the ex-BF is in the Army.

Am I onto something here?

Does your SO share qualities of your opposite-sex parent? Are you consciously aware of that dynamic or selection process?

And he's an ex-BF because, well, life circumstances, distance, and many other reasons that seemed insurmountable at the time of the break up.

[Anonymous]

Other than both being military vets and extroverts, no. My dad was not dependable and was a domestic abuser, sometimes beat us kids as well. DH is protective and nurturing.

[Anonymous]

yes. midwestern, solid, caring, devoted, calm, etc. I'm much more high strung.

[Anonymous]

That's a common folk saying, that you marry someone who reminds you of your parent. I'm not sure it's true in my case, I actually thought it was when we were younger but not so much now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a common folk saying, that you marry someone who reminds you of your parent. I'm not sure it's true in my case, I actually thought it was when we were younger but not so much now.

I think it happened a lot more in the past than now. People aren’t as dependent on parent approval of spouse.

[Anonymous]

You didn't know your ex boyfriend was half "Latino"? I would have thought it would come up especially if you are "Latino".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't know your ex boyfriend was half "Latino"? I would have thought it would come up especially if you are "Latino".

I think Latino was an example. Let’s say it’s Polish. People that are part Polish don’t exactly have unique features.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't know your ex boyfriend was half "Latino"? I would have thought it would come up especially if you are "Latino".

Why? I can't always tell a person's ethnicity just by looking at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a common folk saying, that you marry someone who reminds you of your parent. I'm not sure it's true in my case, I actually thought it was when we were younger but not so much now.

I think it happened a lot more in the past than now. People aren’t as dependent on parent approval of spouse.

OP here.

It's not about "parental approval" of your spouse.

It's about a subconscious attraction to the qualities and characteristics that you most loved in your opposite-sex parent.

For example. if his mother was kind, nurturing, placed importance on family, then those are qualities he would find attractive in a spouse.

[Anonymous]

If your parents were good, being attracted to someone that has the same qualities is good. If your parents were bad, being attracted to someone with the same qualities is bad. But it’s a very true generalization. Women that came from abusive homes are more likely to be in busive relationships. Men who came from abusive homes tend to be abusive.
In my case, my father was abusive. And very rarely around. I was rarely the target of his rages - I was quiet and knew when to hide. My sister would fight and get the shit beat out of her. She ended up marrying an abusive man. I got the hell out of there, and my husband is nothing like my father.
http://www.euro.who.int/__data/assets/pdf_file/0008/98783/E90619.pdf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a common folk saying, that you marry someone who reminds you of your parent. I'm not sure it's true in my case, I actually thought it was when we were younger but not so much now.

I think it happened a lot more in the past than now. People aren’t as dependent on parent approval of spouse.

OP here.

It's not about "parental approval" of your spouse.

It's about a subconscious attraction to the qualities and characteristics that you most loved in your opposite-sex parent.

For example. if his mother was kind, nurturing, placed importance on family, then those are qualities he would find attractive in a spouse.

Lots of people with kind parents marry brutal and cruel ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were good, being attracted to someone that has the same qualities is good. If your parents were bad, being attracted to someone with the same qualities is bad. But it’s a very true generalization. Women that came from abusive homes are more likely to be in busive relationships. Men who came from abusive homes tend to be abusive.
In my case, my father was abusive. And very rarely around. I was rarely the target of his rages - I was quiet and knew when to hide. My sister would fight and get the shit beat out of her. She ended up marrying an abusive man. I got the hell out of there, and my husband is nothing like my father.
http://www.euro.who.int/__data/assets/pdf_file/0008/98783/E90619.pdf

Do you think your sister had any insight at all as to how she married an abusive man? Was she trying to get the script right this time, or just something that felt comfortable for her?

[Anonymous]

On the surface, yes - and that is great!

IRL, once you know DH - he is nothing like my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the surface, yes - and that is great!

IRL, once you know DH - he is nothing like my dad.

You're disappointed that he doesn't share the same qualities that you wanted, that you dad has?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were good, being attracted to someone that has the same qualities is good. If your parents were bad, being attracted to someone with the same qualities is bad. But it’s a very true generalization. Women that came from abusive homes are more likely to be in busive relationships. Men who came from abusive homes tend to be abusive.
In my case, my father was abusive. And very rarely around. I was rarely the target of his rages - I was quiet and knew when to hide. My sister would fight and get the shit beat out of her. She ended up marrying an abusive man. I got the hell out of there, and my husband is nothing like my father.
http://www.euro.who.int/__data/assets/pdf_file/0008/98783/E90619.pdf

+1. Yes, I think subconsciously we do. I did in my case. My dad was a control freak and my mom coddled him. She is the brains in the family, the primary bread winner despite many career consessions, and is always working to defuse my dad's temper tantrums. My dad has gotten worse as he's gotten older. My dad is also socially awkward, saying weird and inappropriate things in public. To ask my mom, she's totally in love with him and the luckiest lady in the world.

I didn't think DH was anything like my dad - different ethnicity and political beliefs. However, looking at my marriage, we have the same dynamic as my parents. I take care of eveything that requires thought and planning. I'm constantly working to appease DH, as he's generally morose and explodes over the smallest issues. I also have the higher paying job and have moved 5 times for his job.

I never realized until last Christmas when i heard my dad yelling at my mom because she forgot to set the coffee maker and she was begging him to stop because we were there. All I could think is I need to change my life, because 25 years from now that's going to be me.