Going to college while parent has major medical issue

[Anonymous]

My DD is about to start her freshman year at a university that's a 10-12 hour drive from DC or a short, direct flight to BWI.

Over the last few weeks, DH was diagnosed with cancer and has undergone major surgery. We expect chemo and radiation to follow, but exact treatment plan is still unknown.

DD is understandably upset about being away from home with so much going on, but we are all still assuming she is going away to school. She has said she wishes she had picked the in-state option, to be closer to home, but hasn't seriously brought up staying home or transferring.

Has anyone else had a child away at college while there were major medical issues at home? If so, how often did your child come home? Should I be looking at plane tickets for a weekend home in September? Can you buy "open-ended" tickets, so she could just book a last minute flight in case of emergency? Any suggestions on how to handle medical updates so she can focus on school and friends, and not always be worrying about DH?

Any other advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you will be going through this. It will be tough for everyone. Our son was young, and we shipped him away. I know the last thing my husband needed or wanted was anyone else around during chemo. sometimes things go awry with blood counts, so scheduling her visits too far in advance won't guarantee a chemo free weekend home.

SW is pretty flexible, but you can also just lose a bit of money if you buy a ticket that doesn't work out. Think bigger picture.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and she will be worrying. It was my observation ATM the time that if you try to "protect" her from worry, you will just produce worry.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry your husband is going through this.

Yes, I think it is in everyone’s best interest to stick to the chosen college and the original plan. Tell her and have her father tell her that this is what you want her to do. Be upbeat and positive when you talk to her when she is away but be honest if things take a bad turn.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about this and I hope things go well with treatment.

I agree with PPs to stick with the original plan. While I haven't been through this personally we do have family friends who did. Their DD scrapped her plans to go to a school 5 hours away (driving). Now who knows, it may have gone the same way regardless, but she became a caregiver, eventually for both parents when Mom came to rely on her emotionally (not saying OP would do this, just sharing this particular family's story). DD dropped out of college and was a bit lost and aimless for a few years. She's still making up for it now.

Her brother stayed at his school, about the same distance away, graduated and is working in his field.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, is it a southwest flight? If so, it is likely direct and you can get affordable last minute tickets (or so I found). Especially if New England.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is about to start her freshman year at a university that's a 10-12 hour drive from DC or a short, direct flight to BWI.

Over the last few weeks, DH was diagnosed with cancer and has undergone major surgery. We expect chemo and radiation to follow, but exact treatment plan is still unknown.

DD is understandably upset about being away from home with so much going on, but we are all still assuming she is going away to school. She has said she wishes she had picked the in-state option, to be closer to home, but hasn't seriously brought up staying home or transferring.

Has anyone else had a child away at college while there were major medical issues at home? If so, how often did your child come home? Should I be looking at plane tickets for a weekend home in September? Can you buy "open-ended" tickets, so she could just book a last minute flight in case of emergency? Any suggestions on how to handle medical updates so she can focus on school and friends, and not always be worrying about DH?

Any other advice?

I was that kid. I came home when I could, mostly Greyhound because we couldn’t afford the plane. You can use a shared Google calendar (which we didn’t Have) to avoid a bad update before a major paper or exam.

[Anonymous]

My Dad pushed me to still go to college. He said it was my time to focus on myself. He was glad I'd selected the school cross-country, because it forced me to do just that. I of course struggled being far away but succeeded in school. It was clearly defined by all that we all had our "jobs" and being a student was mine. He was adamant he did not want my life being held up by situations at home, as he said repeatedly, "You can always come home. " he reminded me leaving and starting college is sometimes harder. I'm glad he pushed me out, I wanted to stay and help. He was right, I needed to go. Best wishes to your family. I'm cheering for all of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad pushed me to still go to college. He said it was my time to focus on myself. He was glad I'd selected the school cross-country, because it forced me to do just that. I of course struggled being far away but succeeded in school. It was clearly defined by all that we all had our "jobs" and being a student was mine. He was adamant he did not want my life being held up by situations at home, as he said repeatedly, "You can always come home. " he reminded me leaving and starting college is sometimes harder. I'm glad he pushed me out, I wanted to stay and help. He was right, I needed to go. Best wishes to your family. I'm cheering for all of you!

Also, if finances are an issue for you. Update the school financial aid office with an "update of circumstances" letter. Let them know about the diagnosis and the financial impact. Tell them DD will still be attending and ask for either re-evaluation of financial aid package or assistance with paying for books, etc.. My university was wonderful about helping me-- but you have to let them know what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad pushed me to still go to college. He said it was my time to focus on myself. He was glad I'd selected the school cross-country, because it forced me to do just that. I of course struggled being far away but succeeded in school. It was clearly defined by all that we all had our "jobs" and being a student was mine. He was adamant he did not want my life being held up by situations at home, as he said repeatedly, "You can always come home. " he reminded me leaving and starting college is sometimes harder. I'm glad he pushed me out, I wanted to stay and help. He was right, I needed to go. Best wishes to your family. I'm cheering for all of you!

Well said. My parents sent us kids away to college on time while going through the worst tragedy of their lives too. They weren't going to let it ruin their children's live and the dreams they had for their kids. It meant everything to them that we keep on moving forward. I think that attitude saved us all.

However, I caution you to keep your eyes and ears open because not every kid can handle this. It is hard. You are fortunate to be in an era where you can communicate face to face from a distance. We didn't have that. Remember that your child is/will be going through more than just your husband's diagnosis, and they need to be able to talk to someone about the not-dad stuff too. Make sure they have someone other than you guys (an Aunt, a mom-friend who is close to them, a counselor), because it is 100% human nature to protect our parents from our own stuff, especially when our parents are going through hell. Let them know you are here to talk about the not-dad stuff, but make sure they have a back up. Don't be afraid to let your kid come home if their own mental health requires a break. Know your own kid.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

This is about as hard as it gets. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this, Op. Sending thoughts and prayers for a full recovery for your dh.

I have a son going away to college, too, but he will be more local to us. I think that if dh and I were struggling with significant health issues I would want our son to stay at school and keep his mind on his studies while we handled the health issues at home. I think I would want him to be a bit removed and insulated from the medical stuff. I would communicate with him daily to reassure him that we have a handle on things at home but also to find out how things were going at college.

I would send your daughter to school and if, after being there for a semester, she feels the need to be closer to home she can always transfer if she needs to.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thank you for the thoughts and insight and advice. It's helpful to have some perspective- especially from those of you who were students in this situation. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Anonymous]

OP - You didn't ask for this advice, so ignore me if appropriate.

1. Magic mouthwash - google it. Doctors don't usually mention this, but chemo can cause mouth sores and this is what helps.

2. Find a cancer support group on line for his cancer. This is a place for you to learn and get advice and support. The people will be kind, and since there will be patients and caregivers, you can get some great understanding from reading and asking questions. This was lifesaving for us. I also got to "meet" and interact with people who had terminal diagnoses but who were living full and rich lives in the meanwhile. That was a great comfort to me (even though my husband did survive, I really needed to see this when it wasn't clear he would).

3. Accept help.

I'm sorry, and good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. We went through this with a younger child. At first he was kept close but later expressed that it was too much so we shipped him off. It went well. The worry doesn't go away but when their daily life isn't affected by it, the impact becomes more distant. On a practical note, if you can use Southwest, sign up for their credit card and start using it for all the expenses possible especially the medical bills. The points grow very rapidly so you'll have mileage tickets to use later. Also they have no change fees. In the event that at the last minute it's not a good time for her to fly home, you don't lose any of the value of that ticket. May be also get into the habit of a weekly facetime vs daily updates. All the colleges tell parents that daily contact from home actually impedes their ability to settle in. Of course you may have to play it differently with this situation but IMO starting out with some structure is very reassuring at a time of uncertainty.

[Anonymous]

I was the cancer patient 2 years ago and DD had just started her 2nd year of college. She really wanted to take the semester (or year) off to stay home. We insisted she stay put (aside but her $$$ tuition had already been paid for the semester). Yes, cancer sucks and the entire ordeal sucked. But I was better off not having her home. For me, cancer was a private thing and I didn’t need or want extra people around. DH was a rock. And the 12 yr old still at home was just enough for me to get out of bed (most) everyday and try to go about living life.