"Be Tough"
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Anonymous
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Please help me with words!
My dad is constantly praising my son for being tough. No crying, no being sad, no missing people... even in circumstances that are not controllable. Example: my son came out of anesthetic and was pretty calm (though kids often have a lot of outbursts after waking out) and my dad went on about how tough my 8 year old is, "just like grandpa." He brings up being tough every time we see him and repeats it over and over. The issue is my sons dad is physically and verbally abusive. He doesn't see the kids right now but being tough is the last thing I want drilled into my son. Fwiw my son is fairly tolerant of pain and negative circumstances (not whiny/crybaby ish). My dad is easily offended and sensitive about being "bad" at his grandparent role. How do I word it? I'll probably phone him. |
Anonymous
| Maybe emphasize that you want to praise him for his control, not his toughness. So if your son feels sad and doesn't cry, you want Grandpa to praise him for handling his big emotions, not for not feeling sad in the first place. Hard to know how to convey that to your dad without hurting his feelings, though (which is funny in the context of "tough like Grandpa," but I digress). |
Anonymous
| OP here - thanks. Its bugging my son now and I suggested he tell grandpa he doesn't like it, which he did tonight and grandpa said it's a compliment. To which my son didn't know what to say and said oh but was bothered by it still when I picked him up. So I feel like I need to bring it up directly which is difficult because my dad doesn't really get feelings . |
Anonymous
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I think it's okay for your son's grandfather to praise him for being tough sometimes. An appropriate situation is when your son comes out of anesthesia for a medical procedure.
Your son is NOT being praised for covering up abuse, avoiding feelings or withholding sad thoughts of missing loved ones. He is being offered generic praise for getting through a medical procedure. And it's appropriate praise. I totally see your point about not wanting him to cover up abusive incidents but not wanting the grandfather praising him for being tough is I think taking this way too far. You can't edit people in this fashion in order to pre-empt an outcome. The only thing you can do is make sure your child knows he can always talk to you. I think you are going to make everyone miserable. |
Anonymous
Good for your boy for speaking up. It speaks volumes that he felt comfortable enough with your dad to say something! I like the PP's suggestion about substituting "in control" for "tough" and I suggest even adding the word "strong". "You're just like Grandpa, strong and in control." What would your dad think about that word choice if you suggested it to him? |
Anonymous
| Maybe talk to your son about what grandpa means when he says tough - strong, resilient, able to do hard things. It doesn't have to mean being a bully or being physically aggressive. Also, being "tough" is just one of DS's great qualities - along with being kind, thoughtful, able to make good decisions, etc. |
Anonymous
+1. This is sweet. Op, does he insult your son for crying? |
Anonymous
| I think you should leave him be. How often does he see your son? Probably not enough for any of this to make a big difference. Trust that you will instill your values, whatever they are. You don’t need to shield your kid from everyone else’s values. Your son already doesn’t have his dad - let him keep his grandpa relationship without you screwing it up by hurting grampa’s feelings and making everything awkward. |
Anonymous
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I use the word "resilient." I talk a lot with my kids about how things are hard sometimes, and we get through them.
But the thing about missing people or crying -- those are good things. It's best to have kids (all people) in touch with their feelings and free to express them. That doesn't make them week. If anything, it adds to their resilience. They can feel the bad feelings, learn to deal with them, begin to understand the bad feelings will end, and how to move on. "That" is resilience. |
Anonymous
Op, this is your only SIGNIFICANT problem Leave your Dad alone. However imperfect he is, HE IS NOT A SIGNIFICANT PROBLEM |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks all. I think you're right, at least for now to leave it be. My emotions are high about it. My dad is a main male role model in my sons life and I don't like what he's modelling, but you're right, thats not in my control. The other thing is that my son wants to see them less and less as he gets older (which happened with my daughter too). Like G & G were fun when they were little but as they get older and their needs change they don't enjoy time with them as much and personally I wish my parents could understand the effect of their ways for the sake of the bond.
It is hard for me to trust that I'm instilling my values - which obviously I am if my son notices his feelings about this AND says something, because my parents led to me spending a lot of years in therapy. i.e. I didn't know what feelings were/what that meant and had no confidence. I like the idea of using the word resilience and also think I will make a point to praise my son's kindness, sensitivity, etc. when with my parents. My dad has very rigid gender role ideas and thinks men should be a certain way. He was abused as a child for being sensitive which adds to the issues. Ugh. My kids see them maybe once a month but are leaving for five days of camping with them which has upped my stress about their impact. |
Anonymous
| Do you also have a daughter? Your dad sounds a lot like mine and he praises my son for being a tough little man. He just as equally praises my daughter for being a tough and strong young lady so it doesn’t bother me. |
Anonymous
Tell your father to stop. He is being a bad grandparent. His sensitivity is about himself and no one else. Sensitivity grandpa is "tough"?? |
Anonymous
Yes I do. She is tough and strong and is pretty confident. He does not praise her for being tough (enter his gender role issues). In spring grandparents each did an outing with same sex child. It was fine. Boys outing was golf & dinner and girls did dinner. DD suggested maybe they could switch and grandpa said 'well I like to do boy things.' (Yes I'm serious). She suggested fishing and he thought about it awhile, phoned me a few days later and said he would take her in July (but did not and hasn't mentioned it though she brought it up a few times). He doesn't try to influence or manage her (or whatever you want to call it) the same way as he does DS. That also means she gets no unusual praise or much attention in general. She only goes there when I do - maybe every two months. |
Anonymous
| Bring it up to your dad, and when he starts to get “sensitive” or “offended”, tell HIM to be tough and buck up. Anyways, that’s what I would feel like doing but I would probably actually do what 10:18 suggests. |