Why are you still in contact with your ex(es)?

[Anonymous]

Why?

I'm now late 40s, and we've all moved on since high school and college.

My college boyfriend knew my mother, father, grandparents (all now deceased).

We broke up because we were too young, and we were better friends than long-term marriage partners. Our current partners and spouses have no problem with us being friends (Friends on Facebook).

We share mutual friends, so we're still in the same social and familial circles.

As a woman, I like to stay friends with exes, at least after some time passes, because it makes me feel as if we were important to each other beyond just a sexual relationship. If we meant something to each other as people, why would we not want to still be friends?

The older I get, I can see why if the guy or girl was purposely a jerk and stayed a jerk or sought revenge on you, then you wouldn't want to be friends.

Any other reasons?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

[Anonymous]

I am not still in contact with any of my exes, except for one, who wasn't really a very serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

Unless you had a pretty lukewarm physical attraction to the person you are playing with fire by still being friends with them.

I mean, if you see an ex while your out shopping it's fine to acknowledge them, say "Hi", maybe briefly catch up but move on your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you had a pretty lukewarm physical attraction to the person you are playing with fire by still being friends with them.

I mean, if you see an ex while your out shopping it's fine to acknowledge them, say "Hi", maybe briefly catch up but move on your way.

I tend to agree with this. Also, there are a lot of people in the world, surely one can find people that you weren't romantically involved with to be friends with. I guess I am also a cynical person somewhat and would probably question the ex's motives or possibly my partner's motives for remaining in touch.

[Anonymous]

If there is no longer any passion on both sides, sure it is fine.

[Anonymous]

I think of it as a test of the new guy. Is he mature and secure enough to handle an ex? No? Not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

How old are you?

I am 48, and friends with a boyfriend from 33 years ago. There was no passion or even sex beyond making out. We went to dances together, and we have shared memories. He is married with 4 kids. His wife doesn't have anything to worry about.

You may not be old enough to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

How old are you?

I am 48, and friends with a boyfriend from 33 years ago. There was no passion or even sex beyond making out. We went to dances together, and we have shared memories. He is married with 4 kids. His wife doesn't have anything to worry about.

You may not be old enough to understand.

DP here.

Meh. that is not really an ex. just a childhood friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why?

I'm now late 40s, and we've all moved on since high school and college.

My college boyfriend knew my mother, father, grandparents (all now deceased).

We broke up because we were too young, and we were better friends than long-term marriage partners. Our current partners and spouses have no problem with us being friends (Friends on Facebook).

We share mutual friends, so we're still in the same social and familial circles.

As a woman, I like to stay friends with exes, at least after some time passes, because it makes me feel as if we were important to each other beyond just a sexual relationship. If we meant something to each other as people, why would we not want to still be friends?

The older I get, I can see why if the guy or girl was purposely a jerk and stayed a jerk or sought revenge on you, then you wouldn't want to be friends.

Any other reasons?

I don't think that I have ever dating anyone for just a "sexual relationship". It has always meant more to me. I had my first boyfriend at 19, and I wanted to marry him. I would have if he did not turn out to be so insecure or deceiptful.


I don't like insecure people as friends either. They are annoying.


Every other ex I have had was with the goal of a long term relationship. And if I broke up with them, it was because they were not long term relationship material, sexually or otherwise. Why would I want to be friends with them? My friends are like my family. These guys were did not meet that threshold. So no need to keep any "pretend" friendship going.

[Anonymous]

If you are really friends, I see no problem with it. But if you're still attracted to the person, or they to you, it's playing with fire. If you're genuinely happy for them when they get married, if you relate to them the same way as you do other friends, fine. If you're secretly hoping they still carry a flame for you, or you see them as your "one that got away," then you should not be friends.

Sometimes you break up with someone because you don't really like them that much--you learn that they are a liar or a jerk or untrustworthy--or because the only thing you had in common was chemistry. You should not stay friends with those people. Sometimes you break up with someone because you're not really attracted to them, but you like them fine as a person. You can stay friends with those people.

[Anonymous]

No am not.

[Anonymous]

I am friendly with my ex from high school. We dated from sophomore year til I graduated college. We were going to get marry. We are now in our 40's. We both have happy family lives and thriving. We text every few months or year. He was just someone I grew up with. It didn't work out because we were young. We cheer on each other. I'm proud of who he turned out to be and he for me. No big deal. I'm friendly with his family and spouse. My husband doesn't think anything of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

What? No, I'm friends with all my ex's through FB. I even meet up for drinks with friends from HS and my ex does too. You sound insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are really friends, I see no problem with it. But if you're still attracted to the person, or they to you, it's playing with fire. If you're genuinely happy for them when they get married, if you relate to them the same way as you do other friends, fine. If you're secretly hoping they still carry a flame for you, or you see them as your "one that got away," then you should not be friends.

Sometimes you break up with someone because you don't really like them that much--you learn that they are a liar or a jerk or untrustworthy--or because the only thing you had in common was chemistry. You should not stay friends with those people. Sometimes you break up with someone because you're not really attracted to them, but you like them fine as a person. You can stay friends with those people.

I think it would be awkward to be chit chatty friends with someone you once had a serious, hot and heavy romance with.

I agree that if there was a lack of physical attraction from the get go then it is easier to be "just friends".