Why are you still in contact with your ex(es)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

How old are you?

I am 48, and friends with a boyfriend from 33 years ago. There was no passion or even sex beyond making out. We went to dances together, and we have shared memories. He is married with 4 kids. His wife doesn't have anything to worry about.

You may not be old enough to understand.

O.k. Well those guys really were friends the entire time, right?

They are old friends from HS and probably old family friends to boot. Of course it's fine and very normal to still be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

My SO is dear friends with his ex-wife, and it doesn't bother me or concern me in the least. In fact, I've had multiple meals and drinks with her, and I like her. She was one of the first to find out that SO and I were expecting our baby (she guessed it because I wasn't drinking and I got sick due to the smell of garlic), and she was THRILLED for us.

SO and his ex were great friends in law school, but that's all they were. They got married because they thought it was the "next step" after they finished school. They both admit it was a foolish move; they should've just stayed friends. They had zero time to work on their relationship when they were both working non-stop when they were fresh out of law school and trying to establish themselves in Manhattan. Their marriage fell apart because they didn't have time for each other AND while they loved each other, they weren't IN LOVE with each other.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for both of them that they decided to separate (and divorce) amicably, and that they have maintained their friendship over the years. I would MUCH rather be with someone who has an amicable relationship with an ex than someone who holds a grudge or blames their ex for everything that went wrong in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

How old are you?

I am 48, and friends with a boyfriend from 33 years ago. There was no passion or even sex beyond making out. We went to dances together, and we have shared memories. He is married with 4 kids. His wife doesn't have anything to worry about.

You may not be old enough to understand.

Isn't that a different context than someone you were porking night after night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as a test of the new guy. Is he mature and secure enough to handle an ex? No? Not for me.

There is NOTHING worse than a woman who tests a guy by the "I am still friends with my exes because we are all so mature and adult" line. A man cannot win at that game. That's like the kind of woman who is gleeful that she invited multiple guys she slept with to her wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as a test of the new guy. Is he mature and secure enough to handle an ex? No? Not for me.

There is NOTHING worse than a woman who tests a guy by the "I am still friends with my exes because we are all so mature and adult" line. A man cannot win at that game. That's like the kind of woman who is gleeful that she invited multiple guys she slept with to her wedding.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as a test of the new guy. Is he mature and secure enough to handle an ex? No? Not for me.

There is NOTHING worse than a woman who tests a guy by the "I am still friends with my exes because we are all so mature and adult" line. A man cannot win at that game. That's like the kind of woman who is gleeful that she invited multiple guys she slept with to her wedding.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

My SO is dear friends with his ex-wife, and it doesn't bother me or concern me in the least. In fact, I've had multiple meals and drinks with her, and I like her. She was one of the first to find out that SO and I were expecting our baby (she guessed it because I wasn't drinking and I got sick due to the smell of garlic), and she was THRILLED for us.

SO and his ex were great friends in law school, but that's all they were. They got married because they thought it was the "next step" after they finished school. They both admit it was a foolish move; they should've just stayed friends. They had zero time to work on their relationship when they were both working non-stop when they were fresh out of law school and trying to establish themselves in Manhattan. Their marriage fell apart because they didn't have time for each other AND while they loved each other, they weren't IN LOVE with each other.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for both of them that they decided to separate (and divorce) amicably, and that they have maintained their friendship over the years. I would MUCH rather be with someone who has an amicable relationship with an ex than someone who holds a grudge or blames their ex for everything that went wrong in the relationship.

I''m sorry but this post is lacking some substance. You are probably missing part of the picture here.

Nothing went wrong with the relationship, but they decided to divorce because they were not in love with each other.

What happens when your spouse falls out of love with you but still loves you(what does this even mean?) I hope your relationship with him would be just as amicable then as his relationship with his ex.

[Anonymous]

I'm still in actual contact with 2 exes. I think I'm Facebook friends with a couple others, but we don't communicate directly aside from saying happy birthday or "congrats on the new baby" or whatever. I don't delete them from Facebook because I truly don't consider them unless it's a birthday or they have a baby or something. If for some reason this was an issue for my husband, I'd have no problem deleting them.

Of the 2 I communicate with regularly, one is my ex-husband who I have a child with. We communicate about stuff related to her and are casually friendly otherwise (e.g., he told me when his grandmother died, I told him when I finished grad school and got a new job). The other ex I communicate with regularly is someone that I had a brief relationship with when I was 20 who became a close friend. There is no romantic attraction between us whatsoever. We are both married and have gone to dinner with our spouses when we were in the same city a few years ago. He thinks my husband is awesome and they had lunch together a couple of times without me when my husband was in his city for work. I don't care for his wife but it has nothing to do with their relationship and everything to do with her personal politics.

[Anonymous]

Familiarity makes them good occasional sidepieces.

[Anonymous]

I'm in contact with (loose, casual friendships) with a couple of exes. My husband is good friends w/ two of his prior girlfriends (and can't even stand to see another.)

I like and respect that he has friendships w/ his exes and wish he could be on better terms with the more recent one. I think it's a sign of maturity, not a risk to our relationship in any way, and I've even become friends with one of them.

We were in our late 30's/early 40's when we got married. We're grown-ups, good communicators, put the trust in the relationship at the highest priority, etc... and as a result neither of us is threatened by (or in any danger of doing anything inappropriate as a result of) friendly contact w/ people we used to love deeply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone that was "friends" with their ex. You are sabotaging future relationships. I once dated a guy that broke up with his ex only to find out he was calling her behind my back. If it didn't work out with us he had Plan B...at least for sex.

I feel like part of being healthy is the ability to move on. A ex is a ex for a reason. It didn't work out...thus not important at all.

My SO is dear friends with his ex-wife, and it doesn't bother me or concern me in the least. In fact, I've had multiple meals and drinks with her, and I like her. She was one of the first to find out that SO and I were expecting our baby (she guessed it because I wasn't drinking and I got sick due to the smell of garlic), and she was THRILLED for us.

SO and his ex were great friends in law school, but that's all they were. They got married because they thought it was the "next step" after they finished school. They both admit it was a foolish move; they should've just stayed friends. They had zero time to work on their relationship when they were both working non-stop when they were fresh out of law school and trying to establish themselves in Manhattan. Their marriage fell apart because they didn't have time for each other AND while they loved each other, they weren't IN LOVE with each other.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for both of them that they decided to separate (and divorce) amicably, and that they have maintained their friendship over the years. I would MUCH rather be with someone who has an amicable relationship with an ex than someone who holds a grudge or blames their ex for everything that went wrong in the relationship.

I''m sorry but this post is lacking some substance. You are probably missing part of the picture here.

Nothing went wrong with the relationship, but they decided to divorce because they were not in love with each other.

What happens when your spouse falls out of love with you but still loves you(what does this even mean?) I hope your relationship with him would be just as amicable then as his relationship with his ex.

NP here and I also think it is much different to be in touch with an ex spouse than a random ex b/f or g/f. I mean, there's a significant process to go through to get divorced so if you jump through all those hoops that relationship is almost certainly dead vs. someone you dated in the past that might peak your interest now.

[Anonymous]

I separated from my ex in 2002, divorced shortly thereafter, briefly spoke to her at our daughter's wedding a few years later, she called me in 2011, I never returned the call. Only contact with her.

[Anonymous]

An X from grad school was really intellectually stimulating for more than 15 years post-breakup. Then, he hit a professional wall, his wife began to seriously outearn him, and he started the most awful blog. I just avoid him now physically and online.