Angry at friend who became a widow 2 years ago, and he approached me

[Anonymous]

2.5 years ago a guy friend of mine, whom I have known through work and mutual friends for more than 14 years, lost his wife of 20 years to breast cancer. A week after she died he contacted me. I played it cool, but I wasn't ready to do more than be a supportive friend to him.

Last year we met at my suggestion for breakfast. He treated. We talked. He was dating casually and going to bars, dancing, etc. However, he told me he was still grieving. I took that as a way to let me know he either wasn't interested in me or he wasn't interested in a serious relationship with me.

So now it's been 2.5 years since his wife died.

I find myself angry at him at times, that he isn't interested in a more serious relationship with me that would lead to a commitment, yet he would have been okay with something more casual from me.

I would have wanted either to stay friends with him, or I really wanted him to want me as a girlfriend.

Does this make sense? I am late 40s, and he is early 50s. He isn't interested in dating younger women or having kids, etc.

As long as I am still available, do I ask him again how he is doing with the grieving process?

[Anonymous]

At your age, you should have recognized that anything coming so soon after a loss was not going to develop well.

[Anonymous]

Have you been keeping in touch since you got together for breakfast last year? He may not have been, and still may not be ready to be in a serious committed relationship with anyone. If you at least want to keep a friendship going at minimum, then keep in touch.

[Anonymous]

Men do crazy things when their wives die.

Ask anyone who has lost their mom.

[Anonymous]

Weird that you’d be angry that someone isn’t into you. You should probably focus on that. So what if he doesn’t want to pursue you romantically but would be okay for a hookup? At least he’s honest.

[Anonymous]

Put your big girl pants on and ask him.

[Anonymous]

I'm really confused.

[Anonymous]

So when he approached you romantically, you told him you weren’t ready. So he dated other people and you’re mad that he doesn’t feel romantically about you? Was he supposed to just wait for you to be ready to date him or something?

If you think he only sees you as a friend, perhaps that is because you told him that you only wanted friendship with him. If you feel differently now, you need to tell him that, rather than being upset that he isn’t pining for you two years after you rejected him.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Don’t ask “how he’s doing with the grieving process” either. Ask him if he’s interested in a serious relationship at all and if so, if he’s interested in you. Don’t make t about his grief.

[Anonymous]

This is really weird OP. Why are you angry about this? He sounds like an acquaintance that you have a crush on, and the feelings are not mutual. Move on. There's no need for anger.

[Anonymous]

He’s not that into you. Simple as that. Move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, you want him to have a committed relationship with you? Why? He seems at peace with his life now and he is obviously not into you at all. He is not attracted to you for more than a casual hookup.

[Anonymous]

Two and a half years ago, your friend had just lost his wife, was grieving terribly, and reached out for some physical comfort. Probably not his greatest judgment call, but grief does that kind of thing to people. Under the circumstances, though, I wouldn't have assumed that his reaching out reflected any deeper feelings for you. Not that he didn't regard you as a friend, but that his reaching out was probably more about his grief than about you personally. I realize that may be painful to hear and I'm sorry for that, but I don't think it's helping you to hold onto the idea that it was anything more than that.

So forgive him for his lapse in judgment. Accept that it wasn't meant to hurt you, that he just wasn't his right self at that moment and made a mistake. Accept that you two are just friends and he isn't interested in anything more than that. If you can't do that, I would give up the friendship, because it doesn't sound like you'll ever get what you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

widower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want him to have a committed relationship with you? Why? He seems at peace with his life now and he is obviously not into you at all. He is not attracted to you for more than a casual hookup.

I was just a friend to him.

What would make him think I would be okay for a casual hook up, a week after his wife died or even a year after she died, especially if he knows he isn't interested in some thing more? Why risk or ruin a 14 year friendship, when he can hook up casually with someone else?