Married for 15 years and I don’t understand my spouse

[Anonymous]

Yesterday, our 7-year-old spilled water all over a table covered with books and papers and just stood there looking at it, making no effort to clean it up. I said, “what are you doing? Why are you not doing anything to clean this up?” My husband, who was standing there while all this happening, told me to “just leave him alone.” I said “this is between DS and me, please stay out of it.” My husband stomped off and hasn’t spoken to me since. We had people over last night, and he ignored me the entire time other than the bare minimum amount of communication necessary for it not to be extraordinarily awkward in front of our guests. I tried to talk to him shortly after he stormed out of the room when the incident first happened, saying that I didn’t understand the force of his reaction and he said a lot of things but mainly that he didn’t care if I understood and that I wasn’t going to “make this about him.”

I know that I Sometimes snap at the kids, but I don’t yell or call names and I love those kids more than anything and make sure they know it. My husband loses his patience with them too, just like all normal parents do, but I feel like he holds me to an impossible standard. Yesterday, he said I treat them terribly and he can’t watch it. I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about. I would never involve the kids by asking them, but I know they don’t believe that I treat them terribly. I’m so hurt. My husband still isn’t talking to me.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m sorry for the disjointed and stream of consciousness post. I don’t want to get a divorce and split up my family, but I feel like I’m married to someone who actively dislikes me.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pretty pissed if my DH reacted to spilled water the way you did. You should both take a parenting class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be pretty pissed if my DH reacted to spilled water the way you did. You should both take a parenting class.

Really? You think asking a child why they aren’t doing anything to clean up a mess they made us out of line? You and OP’s DH both sound like great parents.

[Anonymous]

It’s just water and the kid is 7 so, no, I wouldn’t have been upset. Do you normally get upset at something as innocuous as a spilt drink? If so, you may want to get a better understanding why you have a short fuse. Just saying you love your kids isn’t enough.

That said, your DH isn’t handling this well either and the silent treatment is ridiculous for a grown adult to engage in. Sounds like there is poor communication all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s just water and the kid is 7 so, no, I wouldn’t have been upset. Do you normally get upset at something as innocuous as a spilt drink? If so, you may want to get a better understanding why you have a short fuse. Just saying you love your kids isn’t enough.

That said, your DH isn’t handling this well either and the silent treatment is ridiculous for a grown adult to engage in. Sounds like there is poor communication all around.

This is OP. Not to justify my reaction, which I know wasn’t good, but it wasn’t so much to the water being spilled in the first place as it was to DS just standing there while it seeped onto books and summer homework on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be pretty pissed if my DH reacted to spilled water the way you did. You should both take a parenting class.

Really? You think asking a child why they aren’t doing anything to clean up a mess they made us out of line? You and OP’s DH both sound like great parents.

DO here. The question is did the kid freeze because mom always flips out so they were scared? If my kid didn’t do anything after spilling a drink I would have told him what to do and jumped in to help. If this ranks up their as a big deal for you where you think snapping at your kid appropriate then you have some issues that need to be worked on.

[Anonymous]

Their=there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be pretty pissed if my DH reacted to spilled water the way you did. You should both take a parenting class.

Really? You think asking a child why they aren’t doing anything to clean up a mess they made us out of line? You and OP’s DH both sound like great parents.

DO here. The question is did the kid freeze because mom always flips out so they were scared? If my kid didn’t do anything after spilling a drink I would have told him what to do and jumped in to help. If this ranks up their as a big deal for you where you think snapping at your kid appropriate then you have some issues that need to be worked on.

OP again. My kid didn’t freeze in terror. He was watching TV and was distracted. I did jump in to clean it up, and he just stood there doing nothing. Again, I agree that I shouldn’t have snapped, but I feel like the context is helpful to explain my reaction.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to know from your post who the problem is.

It is possible that you are very harsh, even emotionally abusive towards your children and your husband is reacting to that.

I have a sister in law who is very emotionally abusive to her kids but she also loves them dearly and the kids would say she loves them and is a good mom, they desperately want her approval.

It seems like from your husbands response that it isn't just this one incident that he is reacting to, but a pattern of who he believes you act towards the kids. Also the tone and specific words and broader context could make your statement to your child either completely appropriate or completely abusive.

We have no way to know if he is way off base or not. You are not a good judge of your own actions and there are some red flags in your post.

Have you and your husband done any couple counselling? It sounds like a neutral third party would be helpful to assess and provide some guidance about common ground

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to know from your post who the problem is.

It is possible that you are very harsh, even emotionally abusive towards your children and your husband is reacting to that.

I have a sister in law who is very emotionally abusive to her kids but she also loves them dearly and the kids would say she loves them and is a good mom, they desperately want her approval.

It seems like from your husbands response that it isn't just this one incident that he is reacting to, but a pattern of who he believes you act towards the kids. Also the tone and specific words and broader context could make your statement to your child either completely appropriate or completely abusive.

We have no way to know if he is way off base or not. You are not a good judge of your own actions and there are some red flags in your post.

Have you and your husband done any couple counselling? It sounds like a neutral third party would be helpful to assess and provide some guidance about common ground

It sounds like they are both the problem in their own way

[Anonymous]

Your DH is being a jerk. Kid is 7 and should be responsible enough to help clean up even if you need to remind him to snap out of it. Parents snap especially to snap kid out of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you just keep coming on with more and more excuses trying to explain behavior that you said yourself you shouldn’t have done. Just stop.

Yes, I agree with the pp that a therapist would be a good move for both you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just water and the kid is 7 so, no, I wouldn’t have been upset. Do you normally get upset at something as innocuous as a spilt drink? If so, you may want to get a better understanding why you have a short fuse. Just saying you love your kids isn’t enough.

That said, your DH isn’t handling this well either and the silent treatment is ridiculous for a grown adult to engage in. Sounds like there is poor communication all around.

This is OP. Not to justify my reaction, which I know wasn’t good, but it wasn’t so much to the water being spilled in the first place as it was to DS just standing there while it seeped onto books and summer homework on the table.

He probably was watching it in slow motion thinking to himself...I can’t believe this is my life.

[Anonymous]

So, first, and unrelated, watching water spill and move across the table like that is something that is really common; there's a transfixion that occurs.

( fyi another thing (more worrisome) is if a child is in water that is too hot; they'll scream that it's too hot but don't move to get out of it. )

Ok now on to your issue...it's not good to tell your DH to "stay out of it" in front of your child. It's not good for the child, and it's not good for your marriage. There's something nasty in there.

That being said, he shouldn't have said "leave him alone" to you, but said, "comeon, Larlo! Let's grab the paper towels, quick before the water gets to the books!..." That's something either you or he should have said. You know, focus on the solution, not on the problem or the interaction between each other.

But OP, if your DH is storming out, not speaking to you, and then telling you that you are too harsh with the kids, you need to listen to him. Really. Just pull down your defenses, and sit with him at a time there is no chance of kid-interuption, and ask him to explain this. And don't argue; just listen.

You don't have to agree with him, and don't have to tell him you disagree. Just listen to him. If you get ONE thing out of it, one kernel of truth that will help you, great. And the by-product is your DH will know you are trying to be better, and it will help your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to know from your post who the problem is.

It is possible that you are very harsh, even emotionally abusive towards your children and your husband is reacting to that.

I have a sister in law who is very emotionally abusive to her kids but she also loves them dearly and the kids would say she loves them and is a good mom, they desperately want her approval.

It seems like from your husbands response that it isn't just this one incident that he is reacting to, but a pattern of who he believes you act towards the kids. Also the tone and specific words and broader context could make your statement to your child either completely appropriate or completely abusive.

We have no way to know if he is way off base or not. You are not a good judge of your own actions and there are some red flags in your post.

Have you and your husband done any couple counselling? It sounds like a neutral third party would be helpful to assess and provide some guidance about common ground

Yes, a lot depends on your tone when speaking to your know did & whether or not you typically overreact/are overly critical of mistakes &/or your spouse lets your kid get away with too much/coddles him. It could be both.