In laws are coming to town = spouse is stressed

[Anonymous]

When my in laws (bro, sis, or parents) come to town, my spouse gets super annoying. TBH, we are very close to my family and rarely see the other side. When my family comes to town, nothing special is done. When the others come, spouse yells about house being messy (3 kids), yard having weeds (it does -too hot to be outside and the rain killed my ability to really manage it), and today is wasted - spouse doesn’t feel well enough to head out, so I’ll take kids to a friends place and enjoy. I don’t know much about spouses family - not close to them, but they aren’t upper classs (parents live in a condo, brother got government help at one point). I just absolutely freaking hate when they visit. Spouse puts me down all week leading up to it. I generally hang low while they’re here. They speak another language, so it’s not hard to excuse myself. My mom reminds me to be polite since I’m representing my family (my parents are country club types). Anyway, just needed to vent. Wish me luck for the next 2 weeks,

[Anonymous]

So your spouse has tremendous anxiety about his family visiting. Do you know why? Seems like it would be helpful to try to help him figure out what worries him so and maybe you could figure out ways for you both to manage those concerns more productively.

[Anonymous]

Do your in-laws have certain expectations of your spouse and how the spouse should behave with you? I am Indian and have seen many cases where the DIL is held to high standards and the home is put under a microscope during in-law's visits. The DIL is also expected to be submissive and do all the chores. This causes stress between the couple as it is not their everyday normal.

[Anonymous]

Are you the husband or wife? What's with this spouse BS?

Also, you say they speak another language. Cultural expectations may come into play here. Has little to do with income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your in-laws have certain expectations of your spouse and how the spouse should behave with you? I am Indian and have seen many cases where the DIL is held to high standards and the home is put under a microscope during in-law's visits. The DIL is also expected to be submissive and do all the chores. This causes stress between the couple as it is not their everyday normal.

Are you a Fob Indian or Indian American?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your in-laws have certain expectations of your spouse and how the spouse should behave with you? I am Indian and have seen many cases where the DIL is held to high standards and the home is put under a microscope during in-law's visits. The DIL is also expected to be submissive and do all the chores. This causes stress between the couple as it is not their everyday normal.

Are you a Fob Indian or Indian American?

My boat arrived here 20 years ago LOL but old habits die hard in our community.

[Anonymous]

OP. Not Indian. I have no idea why the anxiety. I can’t stand the in laws. They are just so annoying. My parents would never cause me anxiety. Ugh. I’m all for writing off the other side, but spouse feels loyalty. I think part of the anxiety is that spouse was warmly welcomed as a blood relative into my family and feels closer to my folks and entire family that the own family.

[Anonymous]

And I don’t care about what the others think of me. I’m polite, but not all loving. Spouses family is very cold towards me. I know spouse wishes own family were more like mine. I do tell spouse that their family is something I don’t care to be a part of. I like warm people - not cold.

[Anonymous]

What? Make a clear post if you want advice. We have all had too many holiday drinks to keep up with coy posts.

[Anonymous]

Just say husband or wife! MAN AND WIFE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What? Make a clear post if you want advice. We have all had too many holiday drinks to keep up with coy posts.

+1 I’m full of freedom and gin, damn it! Make it simple for my simple self!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I don’t care about what the others think of me. I’m polite, but not all loving. Spouses family is very cold towards me. I know spouse wishes own family were more like mine. I do tell spouse that their family is something I don’t care to be a part of. I like warm people - not cold.

Help us out here OP so we can help you.

Are you the husband or the wife (I am guessing wife)

What are the ethnic backgrounds here? Since you said different languages, that means different cultures, which also matters as much as if you are the husband vs wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the husband or wife? What's with this spouse BS?

Also, you say they speak another language. Cultural expectations may come into play here. Has little to do with income.

NP here. The problem is that DCUM is about 80% female and the female population has very distinct gender bias and follow a lot of stereotypes. In general, the men are wrong, the women are right. The women do all the heavy lifting and do 90% of the work for the family. The men do very little to support the family other than bring in income. Yada yada yada. Also, there are many biases about wives and their in-laws vs husbands and their in-laws. In many cases, you'll get completely different answers depending on if the OP is the husband or the wife. If you are trying to get a more balanced response, you eliminate the gender issue from the equation so that you eliminate the gender bias that hits more than half of the posts on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the husband or wife? What's with this spouse BS?

Also, you say they speak another language. Cultural expectations may come into play here. Has little to do with income.

NP here. The problem is that DCUM is about 80% female and the female population has very distinct gender bias and follow a lot of stereotypes. In general, the men are wrong, the women are right. The women do all the heavy lifting and do 90% of the work for the family. The men do very little to support the family other than bring in income. Yada yada yada. Also, there are many biases about wives and their in-laws vs husbands and their in-laws. In many cases, you'll get completely different answers depending on if the OP is the husband or the wife. If you are trying to get a more balanced response, you eliminate the gender issue from the equation so that you eliminate the gender bias that hits more than half of the posts on DCUM.

Because this is true. Just like women have babies and men don’t.

[Anonymous]

Well, you mentioned several times in your post that you find her family annoying (I read it as if you are DH), she most likely knows this, so having her family visit, knowing that you don't particularly like them, makes it stressful for her. How is this hard to figure out?