I need to sleep alone. Reason for divorce?

[Anonymous]

I'm a terrible sleeper and have had insomnia since having kids 10 years ago, probably due to anxiety and depression. I'm also a light sleeper and need my own space and wake at the slightest sound of snoring. Mainly for these reasons my DH and I have had separate beds for years. It doesn't mean I sleep well most nights but it would be worse if we slept together. He hates it, though, and thinks I don't try hard enough to sleep with him. A king bed might help (we have a queen) but our bedrooms are barely big enough for a king, and I hesitate to get one if it's not going to solve the problem.

We do have a sex life, not frequent but it's not never either (maybe 1-2 times a month).

Is my need to sleep alone a reason to divorce? He makes it sound like it is (but hasn't made any serious move towards splitting up).

[Anonymous]

I don't think so. But have you tried sleeping aids... ZZQuill or melatonin?

[Anonymous]

My husband is a light sleeper and he needs the room temp to be roughly that of a meat locker or he can't sleep. We have separate bedrooms because I refuse to feel like I'm on the edge of frostbite at night and if he over heats, he wakes up and can't get back to sleep. His solution was to move into the guest bedroom, buy a window ac unit, and shove the bed right up under it.

Our relationship and our sex life is fine. In fact it feels better because no one is walking around in an insomnia infused fog. You just have to put a little more effort into making sure you spend time together and are still intimate.

[Anonymous]

Have you done the over night sleep study? What were the results?

[Anonymous]

Are you getting treatment for your anxiety, depression and insomnia? If not, I can see why he would feel you are making a choice to live this way and cut off marital intimacy (not just sex).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think so. But have you tried sleeping aids... ZZQuill or melatonin?

Also, counseling to deal with your anxiety and maybe a noise machine to allow you to sleep without being woken.

[Anonymous]

OP, you

[Anonymous]

Our closest friends have been married 25 years. I look to them as an example of an authentic, happy marriage and true partnership. They’re just not the types of people to put on airs about anything.

They have separate bedrooms, and each sleep alone, and have for years.

I find it hilarious on here that so many people are insecure about sleeping arrangements. They train their infants from young ages to sleep alone, but it would never occur to them that sleeping alone to keep a marriage healthy and happy could ever be a possibility.

Sure, if you are sleep compatible, waking up with your partner is a really nice experience. But if you’re waking up wanting to smother them with your pillow, then that’s not sustainable. If you’re not getting the rest you need (on either side)l that’s not sustainable.

I think if your relationship is otherwise full and robust, sleep is just sleep. But then again, I also don’t think 100 texts a day while at work is necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, I've been the therapists (though not currently in therapy) and tried exercise, and I take sleep meds sometimes --but I can't take them every night. I'm not on antidepressants; I feel like I should avoid them because it's mostly situational. Maybe I should be drugging up more. I have a noise machine but he doesn't like it.

As PP notes there is a huge stigma attached to not sleeping together. That's one of my DH's arguments--every couple we know sleeps together and can't imagine not doing so (or so he thinks).

Thanks for those offering support.

[Anonymous]

Op as a husband of a light sleeper I'm judging you harshly for thinking about divorce over this.

Try ear plugs, try different blankets, try putting pillows between you after he falls asleep, try sleeping apart only on certain nights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I've been the therapists (though not currently in therapy) and tried exercise, and I take sleep meds sometimes --but I can't take them every night. I'm not on antidepressants; I feel like I should avoid them because it's mostly situational. Maybe I should be drugging up more. I have a noise machine but he doesn't like it.

As PP notes there is a huge stigma attached to not sleeping together. That's one of my DH's arguments--every couple we know sleeps together and can't imagine not doing so (or so he thinks).

Thanks for those offering support.

I would love to have separate bedrooms. My husband is a restless sleeper and he snores. I bet our marriage would be better if we had separate rooms because we'd be better rested.

[Anonymous]

Increase the frequency of sex and his fears might vanish. Also, be sure to cuddle each night even if no sex and don’t go to your bedroom until you are actually falling asleep. Don’t go there and read, watch tv, or futz around on your phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I've been the therapists (though not currently in therapy) and tried exercise, and I take sleep meds sometimes --but I can't take them every night. I'm not on antidepressants; I feel like I should avoid them because it's mostly situational. Maybe I should be drugging up more. I have a noise machine but he doesn't like it.

As PP notes there is a huge stigma attached to not sleeping together. That's one of my DH's arguments--every couple we know sleeps together and can't imagine not doing so (or so he thinks).

Thanks for those offering support.

I think you're right about sleeping separately if that's what you need to get rest. I am a woman and like you an extremely light sleeper. My teen rolls over in bed down the hall and I wake up!

But there is so much more going on here. How open are you to thinking about this beyond just wanting to convince DH you need to sleep alone?

If the depression is "situational" and you don't want meds, shouldn't you be in regular therapy so you maintain a way to cope with whatever situations bring on your issues?

You said YOU "feel like you should avoid" meds--but what did your doctor(s) say? Did you try them and take yourself off them or did a doctor say to stop? I would want to revisit this with doctors.

Did you know that exercise, if it's going to help with depression or anxiety (and it can!) must be done very consistently and...pretty much always? Did you try for a while but then stopped either when you felt better or when you felt it wasn't working? It can take time.

Your sleeping issues began when kids came along. Have you had a complete and exhaustive physical work-up including hormonal tests? Are you possibly in perimenopause (it can go on for years, OP) or maybe even edging into full menopause, perhaps earlier than most people? Age is not necessarily an indicator. Peri menopause can create a lot of what you're describing including sleeping problems. Or there may be other hormonal issues. I'd get a full physical and gynecological work-up. "Situational" depression may be exacerbated by physical issues that you don't know exist.

Has your DH taken your depression etc. seriously or does he tend to be a "just get through it" person? His strong feelings about sleeping arrangements are bleeding over into resentment, from what you describe. I would make couples counseling a big part of this. The purpose would not be to prove that you're right about where you sleep, or he's right. It would be to find out what's really up in your marriage that makes him feel he's being distanced from you and makes you feel you don't need further help dealing with depression/anxiety. He may need to hear someone who is not you say that you do need sleep. You may need to hear from someone who's not him that he's feeling distant in more ways than just not sharing a bed. Inthink his insistence on sleeping in the same bed may be his way of saying he's frustrated with other things. And if you've got mental health issues you're thinking of as treated or merely situational, you may be missing his (admittedly muddy) message.

Please update us.

[Anonymous]

OP, getting an anti depressant has been great fory sleep, and I have anxiety. Wish I had gone on them sooner than I did.

My dh and I have a king size platform bed with two twin size mattresses on it... That way we don't have to share sheets or blankets and don't feel each other being restless at night. It will just barely fit in our bedroom.

Think about trying to have sex with DH once a week and trying to spend a little time together cuddling on the couch or other places. If it's really important to him to have you both in the same room, twin beds and putting all the other furniture in another room would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Increase the frequency of sex and his fears might vanish. Also, be sure to cuddle each night even if no sex and don’t go to your bedroom until you are actually falling asleep. Don’t go there and read, watch tv, or futz around on your phone.

+1. I suspect his real concern is the sex life. You sleeping badly next to him won't improve it in any case. If you jump him regularly, I'll bet he stops being worried about where you sleep.