I need to sleep alone. Reason for divorce?

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy with sleep issues and sleep apart from my wife much of the time. My normal routine is, if she's asleep before me, to head directly to the guest room. If she's awake, but in bed, when I go to sleep, I'll try to sleep in our bed and if I'm unsuccessful after 20-30 minutes go to the guest room).

It's not unusual for this to come up in our conversations with other couples. I've never felt like those other couples have been judgmental, and separate sleeping seems relatively common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

Once per week is tolerable for most men. Once or twice a month is NOT tolerable for most men. If you want to remain married, how do you feel about non-monogamy? No big deal, right, because sex is not important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

Once per week is tolerable for most men. Once or twice a month is NOT tolerable for most men. If you want to remain married, how do you feel about non-monogamy? No big deal, right, because sex is not important to you.

Good question for OP

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read entire thread. But OP, ask your dr about Amitryptyline. It’s been around a long time. It’s often prescribed off-label for sleep/insomnia, but also treats depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, migraines, and ADHD.. It’s not habit-forming, and was widely prescribed before the days of Zoloft being marketed. Also shouldn’t mess up your sec drive. Maybe you can replace your current rx for sleep with a multi-effect rx like Amitryptyline as you continue in therapy, even if it’s a low 10mg or 25mg dose.

10 years is a long time for untreated chemical imbalances from longstanding depression/anxiety. I’d look into antidepressants, there are quite a few helpful options.

[Anonymous]

I probably have a lower grade version of this issue with my DH. I've proposed getting a full-over-full bunk bed to replace our queen. We would still be sleeping in the same room and could easily sleep after or before being intimate. DH maintains that it is a ridiculous idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably have a lower grade version of this issue with my DH. I've proposed getting a full-over-full bunk bed to replace our queen. We would still be sleeping in the same room and could easily sleep after or before being intimate. DH maintains that it is a ridiculous idea.

I’m with him on that. Adults in bunk beds is odd, and you’d still be sleeping next to a light sleeper.

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn't matter what we all think because you don't get to crowdsource whether your husband will be allowed to divorce you. That is his right, regardless of whether you or anyone here thinks it's for a good reason. If you are concerned about the possibility of divorce, you need to work that out in the context of your marriage, not here.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people sleep in separate rooms due to a variety of sleep problems. If you don't like each other that's a separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably have a lower grade version of this issue with my DH. I've proposed getting a full-over-full bunk bed to replace our queen. We would still be sleeping in the same room and could easily sleep after or before being intimate. DH maintains that it is a ridiculous idea.

Not a ridiculous idea given I like to be on top!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably have a lower grade version of this issue with my DH. I've proposed getting a full-over-full bunk bed to replace our queen. We would still be sleeping in the same room and could easily sleep after or before being intimate. DH maintains that it is a ridiculous idea.

I’m with him on that. Adults in bunk beds is odd, and you’d still be sleeping next to a light sleeper.

PP here. Im the light sleeper and I stay up late reading on my kindle. He is the one who wraps himself up like a burrito in our covers in winter and then throws all blankets over me in summer. I still think its a good idea. It would maintain some useful separation but still allow for closeness.

[Anonymous]

OBVIOUSLY NOT.

My parents have always slept in separate bedrooms because my father has terrible snores that cannot be fixed with surgery. It's not anyone's fault. There was a time when married couples each had their own room as a matter of course.

This is not your fault Read him the riot act if he makes you think that it is.

[Anonymous]

It worked out OK for Lucy and Ricky Ricardo

[Anonymous]

+1 to more sex. Can cure most ills. And if you have him focus on you you will sleep better to if you’ve been taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever done a sleep study? Snoring is problematic for light sleepers. Maybe a CPAP might help, so you can sleep in the same bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I've been the therapists (though not currently in therapy) and tried exercise, and I take sleep meds sometimes --but I can't take them every night. I'm not on antidepressants; I feel like I should avoid them because it's mostly situational. Maybe I should be drugging up more. I have a noise machine but he doesn't like it.

As PP notes there is a huge stigma attached to not sleeping together. That's one of my DH's arguments--every couple we know sleeps together and can't imagine not doing so (or so he thinks).

Thanks for those offering support.

Try a fan on your side of the bed in place of the noise machine. Also, try taking 500mg of magnesium nightly. It's not a drug, just a vitamin and something your body needs. You may need to up that to 1000mg after your body adjusts.