Husband who doesn't seem to look around or follow through on commitments

[Anonymous]

Argh. So I just came home after a week away with the the kids, visiting my family - in part in response to husband wanting some quiet, kid-free time to himself - and there is no milk, no paper towels, no toilet paper in any of the bathrooms, and dirty laundry everywhere. I'm trying to keep myself from snapping at him, but yeah, I'm kind of pissed to come home to a mess and to have to immediately rush out to get essentials like toilet paper. (We have three girls, so we need toilet paper!).

On the one hand it's not a big deal - everyone sometimes gets preoccupied and forgets that maybe it would be nice to make sure there's toilet paper and so on. On the other hand, this always happens. We've talked about this, in the relationship-counselor-approved way ("Sweetheart, sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and i would really like it if you could also help make sure we don't run out of things/stuff gets fixed/lightbulbs get changed etc.") Each time, he says, "I want to be your partner, I want to help make sure you don't feel overwhelmed, I will do that." But he doesn't. He rarely follows through, whether it's on helping with grocery shopping or "Yes, I'll fix that fence/call the contractor/call the plumber." If I say, "Please do X right now," he will do it. If X is not RIGHT THAT MINUTE, he will never do it.

Any suggestions? Yes, we both work full time. Yes, I earn 70% of the household income, too. I love him but it's hard to respect him sometimes. I often feel like he's my fourth child.

[Anonymous]

Since this is a regular thing why not just assume he spaced and text him he day before you come back: “we are coming home tomorrow, missed you. Can you check and stock up on toilet paper, paper towels etc, before we come back? Thank you!”

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but I'm in the exact same situation (right down to being the primary breadwinner). I feel your pain and am hoping you'll get some good advice that I can use, too.

[Anonymous]

I’m like your DH. For me it’s adhd. Maybe he’s just lazy and a bad person. Maybe he needs help and should see a doctor.

[Anonymous]

That would annoy the hell out of me. I hope you left him with the three kids when you went shopping? And tagged on some time to yourself? Maybe a stroll through the bookstore or a walk somewhere?

[Anonymous]

Setup a recurring delivery for all these household items with Amazon Subscribe and Save. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setup a recurring delivery for all these household items with Amazon Subscribe and Save. Problem solved.

But that doesn’t solve dirty laundry everywhere.
-NP

[Anonymous]

Mine denies he has ADHD and refuses to take the stimulants the psychiatrist gave him.

And then he wonders why he can't hold down a job, why he forgets his keys every morning, why he just can't function.

What a loser.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you send him out to get everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setup a recurring delivery for all these household items with Amazon Subscribe and Save. Problem solved.

This is great and I know the issue is the mental load. He can do this too, with one hand scratching his balls watching the Workd Cup in peace on his phone. Man up DHs. If you want sexy time, be an equal partner in roommate 101. It’s exhausting to think of everything and builds major resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Mine denies he has ADHD and refuses to take the stimulants the psychiatrist gave him.

And then he wonders why he can't hold down a job, why he forgets his keys every morning, why he just can't function.

What a loser.

Contempt isn’t really a recipe for marital success.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are feeling frustrated, I think so many of us can relate! It seems like his mind is just not on the things needing doing. Even though it feels like parenting if he is willing to help when you ask for it I would say, 'ask'. That is a gold mine right there that he is willing from what some ladies tell me!

You said it works in the immediate when you ask, so you know that he NEEDS the request. Some will never see it for themselves what needs doing. It is like they walk around with blinders on and no matter how much you wish it, they just can't see it.

I know it is so important to a woman to want a helper/equal in the marriage that we can focus ourselves on the things that are driving us crazy to the point of discontentment. You understandably have a reason to be frustrated. It helps me in my frustrations to think about all my spouse's positives, immediately before I share my frustration. Otherwise, I would be unhappy much of the time.
It also helps me to remember much of what my spouse does is a habit, and habits are hard to break. Habits repeat themselves in all of us. So maybe making some new habits together to get things done.
Checklists, Setting up a calendar with things needing to be taken care of where he can see them and texting daily. These things may help him remember and when they are not done you have a visual for him to see how much help you are missing. My husband HAS to write things down or he forgets. I see this for everyone's needs with my husband, not just mine, but man do I get upset when I am the one forgotten lol.

I pray that you find a happy balance for you both and the help that you need soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you send him out to get everything?

+1 I wouldn't be nearly as polite as you OP if my DH had the house in that condition after having a kid free responsibility free week.

[Anonymous]

Subscribe and save is your friend. Tie it to his credit card.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

If I was with CPS and walked into a house with no TP in the bathrooms, no milk, and no paper towels, I would immediately take the children away and put them in foster homes.