Daughter conflicted about father

[Anonymous]

My ex and I married young after a romantic fast relationship. While the marriage was short lived, we had a daughter who is now 9 years old.

My ex is a hopeless romantic. He is kind, sweet and generous. He has a bubbly, personality, and is a lot of fun. He absolutely adores our daughter and until recently she has adored him. He walked on water in her eyes. All their time together was fun and happy and he lavishes her with love and attention when she is with him.

On the other side, he is irresponsible, immature, impulsive and a risk taker. He has severe ADHD and medication has done little. He has had multiple serious relationships. He attracts women easily due to his looks, charm, and personality and they fall hard (as does he). He has been engaged 3 times since we divorced and in two other relationships where he lived with the women. Similar to our relationship, what seems so amazing at the start slowly loses its appeal and the reality of life with someone who can't really adult sets in and the relationship ends. Being adored by a hopeless romantic is not enough.

My daughter is also now just starting to realize that her dad isn't so perfect. She is starting to want him to be more serious, more committed, more responsible, more stable, more structured than he is. She is starting to be frustrated by his impulsivity and his irresponsibility. At the same time she sees how much he loves her and she can't put these two things together. He really doesn't 'parent' her as much as be her best buddy and friend. She told me, "I wish he would be more like a normal dad". She doesn't want her weekends with him to be all about adventure and spontaneity and big things. She wants him to take her to soccer, spend time with her playing games, let her have a friend over, and just have a 'normal' weekend. She is tired of all the new amazing girlfriends in his life who are going to be her new step mom and then they vanish only to be quickly replaced. His parents often rescue her on his weekends so she can have some downtime with them as he is very high energy all the time.

I have realized that she is now at the point where she is more mature and responsible than he is and she is disappointed in what that new reality is telling her. Her dad has many really good qualities but he is not going to change. His brain is just wired this way and he will never 'grow up'. I sometimes wonder if he had brain damage at birth (his mother was on drugs). I am not sure how to help her figure him out and still see the good. I don't want her to become disillusioned with him this young or grow distant from him. I already see a little reluctance when he calls or wants to pick her up.

Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

No matter what you tell her she's seeing her Dad and you both can talk to him about it but visits aren't optional.

[Anonymous]

I think all kids go through this in varying degrees - realizing your parents are perfect, recognizing that they are actually people with their own faults and their own approach to life. It's harder to reconcile when that realization comes earlier than later but honestly it happens to everyone.

I think you take the opportunity to have those types of discussions. Your daughter sounds mature enough to handle a more mature and nuanced conversation as you've done here. I'd leave out "he's never going to change", "he's never going to grow up" because frankly, you don't know that to be true and your words are clouded by the person you knew, the person he's showing and doesn't really provide any insight as to how his life will change, if at all. I wouldn't set him to doom - at least out loud with your daughter.

I would highlight the good parts and try to focus on that but also let your daughter know that in some situations that although we think a parent is a leader and teacher, that she is more than capable to do the same for people in her life - including her father. Let her know that her presence and existence has made him better and that with her help and influence that she will be able to help him in understanding what she needs from her dad. Teaching her how to use her words and express what she feels - not to only you, whom she trusts but with him - who by all accounts doesn't sound like someone who is altogether unwilling to hear this from the one he truly adores.

We often think that it takes a village to raise a child. We tend to forget that sometimes it takes a village to take care of the others - the adults and help them in a way that will truly be in the interest of your daughter. Use this as an opportunity to teach her grace, forgiveness and learning how to use her voice wisely and kindly.

[Anonymous]

PP *aren't perfect

[Anonymous]

This is a normal phase -- realizing that your parents aren't perfect, that they are, in fact, flawed people who make mistakes. Your daughter is experiencing a more intense version of it, but it's not unusual.

Talk to her. Be honest that her father is who he is, and that includes the good and bad. And indeed, that the same trait can be good or bad depending on the context. And so she will need to practice speaking up and telling him what she wants and needs, and she will also need to learn that she's not always going to get what she wants. And she can't expect to change him, because mostly we can't change other people. But he loves her, and he has a good heart. And she loves him.

[Anonymous]

Re: the fourth paragraph, are you and him cordial? If so, maybe you could mention like "Hey Larla had mentioned she might like to have a low key day at the house next time or maybe invite a friend over to hang out." If things are not good between you guys then maybe you can encourage your DD to tell her dad that she'd like to do X the next time she sees him.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. Unfortunately she may just need to learn these things on her own, she may not hear it if it comes from you, she is becoming her own person and will form her own opinions of things, not just of her father. Maybe discuss your concerns with her father and maybe as time goes on, counseling?