Exposing kids to dysfunctional relatives

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of two happy go lucky elementary school aged kids. They are blissfully aware that my extended family is highly dysfunctional. I’m talking constant fighting, accusations of sexual abuse, susstance abuse issues etc the list goes on and on. Not all of them are like this and one of the normal ones is getting married this weekend. I won’t be attending, because I’ve distances myself from most of this family years ago. My parents will be watching the kids for the week and my mom mentioned taking them. I asked her not to take my kids staying that they are too young to be exposed to their dysfunction. She was very hurt and tearful. Am I out of line? I think this is a normal reaction. My mom didn’t protect me from her family, I made the decision as a teenager to basically disown them. How can she then go and think this is acceptable for my kids?

[Anonymous]

You're the mom. It's 100% your call. but are you saying that your parents can't go to the wedding because they'll be watching your kids while you're doing something else?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I would take the kids so my parents could attend the wedding. I just don’t want my kids to go.

[Anonymous]

You did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I would take the kids so my parents could attend the wedding. I just don’t want my kids to go.

In that case, you're 100% fine. You get the last word on what your kids are exposed to.

[Anonymous]

Kids should not be around substance abusers or people who are not in control of themselves or saying inappropriate things around children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids should not be around substance abusers or people who are not in control of themselves or saying inappropriate things around children.

+1

Only you know what you're willing to expose your children to, OP. But know that some of us decided that dysfunction isn't something we want our kids around.

[Anonymous]

I think when you are as blunt as you were with your mom then you invariably set up a fight, which it sounds like you now have. So my advice is to tone down the words in the future. Why throw oil on the flames?

You should not ever put your children in a situation where there is a sexual predator because you may not be able to protect them. However, for garden variety dysfunction, it can be helpful to expose your children in small doses so that they can have their own range of experiences and judgements. If you have been doing a good job as a parent, and it sounds like you have, then they will be able to read the signals and develop their own assessment of their relatives, and it most likely will coincide with yours. If you never expose them then you leave them open to being surprised one day by a relative or someone with similar patterns, and your kids may not have developed the skills to cope or repel the person.

I do question the wisdom of leaving your children with someone whom you feel did not protect you as a child. Has your mother changed that much? Or do you think that the situation is more controlled? It seems odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when you are as blunt as you were with your mom then you invariably set up a fight, which it sounds like you now have. So my advice is to tone down the words in the future. Why throw oil on the flames?

You should not ever put your children in a situation where there is a sexual predator because you may not be able to protect them. However, for garden variety dysfunction, it can be helpful to expose your children in small doses so that they can have their own range of experiences and judgements. If you have been doing a good job as a parent, and it sounds like you have, then they will be able to read the signals and develop their own assessment of their relatives, and it most likely will coincide with yours. If you never expose them then you leave them open to being surprised one day by a relative or someone with similar patterns, and your kids may not have developed the skills to cope or repel the person.

I do question the wisdom of leaving your children with someone whom you feel did not protect you as a child. Has your mother changed that much? Or do you think that the situation is more controlled? It seems odd.

I agree with this. You did nothing wrong but it seems a little illogical to describe your parents who failed to protect you and are presumably connected to this dysfunctional family as somehow separate from it. Unless they also chose to distance themselves (which it sounds like is not the case since they want to go to this wedding), I have a hard time believing they totally have it together. But OP would be in a better position to judge that.

[Anonymous]

So instead you are telling your mom she can't go?

No single weekend will ruin your kid's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So instead you are telling your mom she can't go?

No single weekend will ruin your kid's.

No, I’ve already said I don’t want my kids to go. She can go on her own.

[Anonymous]

accusations of sexual Abuse?

Are you find kidding me. Why would anybody bring their kids around a sexual abuser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when you are as blunt as you were with your mom then you invariably set up a fight, which it sounds like you now have. So my advice is to tone down the words in the future. Why throw oil on the flames?

You should not ever put your children in a situation where there is a sexual predator because you may not be able to protect them. However, for garden variety dysfunction, it can be helpful to expose your children in small doses so that they can have their own range of experiences and judgements. If you have been doing a good job as a parent, and it sounds like you have, then they will be able to read the signals and develop their own assessment of their relatives, and it most likely will coincide with yours. If you never expose them then you leave them open to being surprised one day by a relative or someone with similar patterns, and your kids may not have developed the skills to cope or repel the person.

I do question the wisdom of leaving your children with someone whom you feel did not protect you as a child. Has your mother changed that much? Or do you think that the situation is more controlled? It seems odd.

I agree with this. You did nothing wrong but it seems a little illogical to describe your parents who failed to protect you and are presumably connected to this dysfunctional family as somehow separate from it. Unless they also chose to distance themselves (which it sounds like is not the case since they want to go to this wedding), I have a hard time believing they totally have it together. But OP would be in a better position to judge that.

I can see where you are coming from in questioning my mothers judgement. I do too. The cousin getting married is not one that I would lump in with the other crazy relatives. He just finished law school and has a nice fiancé. My mom was only looking at that. I however don’t want to take the chance that other relatives will appear and causes issues or do something inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

My mom didn’t protect me from her family

Then you are foolish and even perhaps a bad mother for having her watch your children. You don't trade free childcare for dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mom didn’t protect me from her family

Then you are foolish and even perhaps a bad mother for having her watch your children. You don't trade free childcare for dysfunction.

+1