Watching a loved one spiral into depression and more.

[Anonymous]

My youngest sister has struggled with depression and anxiety and possibly more for years. She's still not yet 30. She has had a lot of bad lucky with shitty jobs, money problems, etc. while also burning a lot of bridges everytime something bad happens because she is convinced that starting over again will somehow make everything better. I've worked to get her into therapy, gave her questions to ask her doctors, helped her find jobs, coached her through relationships (familial/friend), gave her a place to live for awhile, tried to give her the knowledge she needs to move out on her own and learn to adult (something our parents didn't do). I've been supportive, I've been angry (mostly to myself), and I admit I've not been the best older sibling during her ordeal since I had some bouts of depression myself during that period.

That being said, she made some hard choices that I didn't necessarily agree with about a year ago. I didn't voice my dissent, I was fully supportive because she was convinced what she needed. And lo and behold, she did make a lot of progress on her mental health. I was so proud of her and told her so. I stepped back to let her grow in her confidance that she could adult, I redirected to her therapist when I wasn't capable of playing that role myself, and despite her not holding down a job or having health insurance (which I keep telling myself is not my problem to figure out), she was living on her own and working towards her dream.

This week she slide back. Like way back to a year ago. Screaming, angry, cutting off people right and left and sobbing about wanting to give up and go home - which she doesn't actually want, she cut off our parents. She's just full on hate and sadness, ripping into hers and everyone else's faults. Crying so hard on the phone I can't understand her. Not sure what triggered her, there's no drugs or alcohol in the picture - she had some interviews and it seems they didn't go well. Not what she wanted or was expecting.

I feel awful. I literally have no idea what to do for her anymore. I can't even be upset with her like I have been - the anger at least made me more stable and capable of helping her in the long run in some ways because I could be less partial, more like a rock of common sense to get her through the hysteria. Part of me wants to sob because I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what support or advice or anything I have left to give her. She needs more than just love at this point. Theste other part of me is numb and it's like watching her drown with a glass wall in the way so there's nothing I CAN do. I'm horrified I feel this way.

I'm losing my sister and I don't think I can stop it. She won't let anyone else help her.

[Anonymous]

It's possible the issue isn't just depression. She may also have ADD. It manifests very differently in women than in men, and a lot of women aren't properly diagnosed. The frustration of that could be what is making it difficult for her to get on track and stay on track. But even if she doesn't have ADD, it sounds like she needs medication to help manage the mood swings.

I don't have any suggestions for you except that if you truly want to help her, you have to take the judgment out of your tone. And don't call it "adulting." If she has a combination of mental illness and low self-esteem, then you have to understand that her difficulty isn't because of some failure on her part to be an adult. It's because she has an illness that's difficult to treat and manage. But if you keep suggesting that it's all her fault or her failure to adult, that's just going to further crush any shred of self-esteem she has.

It's like telling someone who is hard of hearing that it's their fault they can't hear; they're just not trying hard enough. If you really want to help them, help them find a hearing aid. Don't just tell them to "hear better" on their own.

I would also suggest that it's not a therapist she needs. It's a psychiatrist. She needs medication to help manage her moods.

And last but not least, was she dating someone? I don't know you or your sister, but it's possible that she was okay for a while because she had a boyfriend (but possibly didn't tell anyone), and then something happened with the guy, and that's why she's spiraling down. If that is the case, then she might have some serious self-esteem issues. That's why having a boyfriend, regular validation, helps her at least stay afloat, but without that, she spirals downward and assumes everyone is against her.

[Anonymous]

^^^ me again.

And if she is interviewing, that's a daunting process. Even for someone without mental illness or self-esteem issues, the constant rejection of interviewing can be crushing. But if she is also struggling with deep depression and low self-esteem, the rejection faced when job hunting can undo any progress that she had made.

Again, she needs medication.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I feel I've been very supportive and I do my best to watch my language and how I say things. I will definitely admit I don't have 100% batting average. I've definitely snapped a lot early on but I'm trying really hard to be accepting of her decisions and dreams (I don't use "adulting" with her, just my personal language online). But it is a good relminder to check myself more frequently when she's especially bad and defensive.

As for the meds, you're preaching to the choir. I cannot get her to get her meds checked out. I've mentioned the ADD at least three times, gotten others to mention it (people she trusts, not parents) and she's convinced it's depression and societal expectations.

She dated someone over five years ago. It was long, she ended it, and the spiral started then. She's sworn off relationships all together since and lashes out violently if anyone suggests she tries again.