The nature of relationships...
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Anonymous
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I once had a professor in college consistently remind me that "the nature of relationships is always changing". He was going through a divorce at the time, and I've kept his words with me almost 15 years when it hit me a few days ago that I might be drifting apart from what I considered to be my best friend.
I met him over ten years ago and we hit it off right away. We went to the same grad school, had same interests in music and activities, and regularly travel to meet each other for long "bro weekends". After this most recent one over Memorial Day (in conjunction with other events I'll mention below). I love him like a brother, but I think I'm drifting away from him. Some context: before I left for my trip, DW texted BF to let him know that things were not good between her and I. She regrets doing this now that things have been smoothed over, but I can tell it weirded BF out. I dont know why my wife decided to text him, as she's never done anything like that before. I guess she was reaching out for help but her timing was terrible as it was right before a long weekend that I desperately needed away from her. At any rate, he seemed a bit awkward about it like he didn't want to get too involved, which I understand completely. The bigger issue is our world view and experiences are diverging in a way that feels strange to me. I live in a city with my wife and young child, I have a job that allows me to work from home with occasional travel. I have friends from all over the country and my worldview has been shaped by years of traveling and experience. He lives in a small college town where he grew up, he's never lived anywhere else or worked for anyone but the University he attended, and is completely enveloped in "that world". Raised by a very strong personality Mom, and currently domineered by his wife. I also think his sense of self-importance is inflated because of the myopic nature of the institution he works for and the town in which he lives. Problems and drama at the college seem to be literally all he cares to talk about, and I feel like we are growing apart. Has anyone else experienced this? He and his wife and me and DW used to get together as couples for weekend travel, too, but they recently canceled a trip on us set for Labor Day because he couldn't get away from the University. We had already bought plane tix, game tix, AirBnB reservatoin after they told us they were going to make it. I suppose that's partly on us, but I think it shows the level of commitment and engagement on their part. I was dissapointed about that, but understand the demands of work. During our memorial day trip, I found myself in a bar with him in my old hometown, watching a baseball game that no one else in the place knew was even on. Of course it featured our college, and at some point the action shifted and one of "our guys" hit a home run. My BFF proceeds to stand up, start screaming and fist pumping, and I wanted to crawl in to the dirtiest corner of the bar and stay there until he left. I feel like a first-rate a-hole having these feelings about him, but I cant shake it. Part of me wants to cancel the "bro trip" we have lined up for October-where I'll be spending a considerable amount of $$ flying to a place that is a 3 hour drive for him. I'm not sure what to do at this point, because I also feel like I'm holding some resentment about them canceling our couples trip. |
Anonymous
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This whole entire post had me confused. I thought you were living on the down low with a side piece boyfriend and a wife. Weird. |
Anonymous
| How do you not realize that relationships can change over time? Ten years ago you were in the "same world" and now you are in very different "worlds". Those different worlds create different interests and perspectives which shape individuals over time. My great pals from 20 years ago are no longer great pals but we remain friends. Our lives have become incredibly different and we live far apart but we remain friends. |
Anonymous
I think OP said repeatedly that they were recognizing the relationship change over time.... |
Anonymous
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You say he had an inflated sense of self-importance, yet you’re the one talking about how traveled and experienced and special you are. You wanted to crawl in the corner because he was excited over a game at a sports bar? Seriously? You act like you are much more elite than him and he’s probably sick of it. Kids and city life and travel and diverse friends are great, but they don’t make you better than someone else.
Also, he thinks your wife made a pass at him. Women have contacted my husband out of the blue with their relationship woes and it always comes across like a desperate pass. This made him uncomfortable, he told his wife, and they decided it would be best to cancel the couples trip in case your wife tries it again. It also doesn’t help that you clearly don’t like his wife and call her things like “domineering”. |
Anonymous
| Did you recently write another long post about your wife and this friend and the friend not wanting to come meet your kids? |
Anonymous
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I think your whole post reeks of self-serving statements and has nothing to do with your friend. You're basically saying you're better than him.
You talk about his "small town" ways - "small town" mind - "small town" actions - and his audacity to think highly of himself. His view of his importance in life - whether he is of value, providing value and is productive is his own. You're essentially asking how can he like himself so much when his life is so shitty? Really? Simply because he chose not to move and work for a local University? I mean, not a bum...but actively engaged in his world, his life, his job. And he, as a friend, tries to maintain common ground with the "city folk" and talk to you about what is going on in his life - however small and uninteresting that it is to you apparently. So he gets excited at a baseball game of his team? Were you here for the ALLCAPS or nah? He should think highly of himself - as should we all. We should all know that it's not your wallet, or your condo, or your geography that determines how valuable you are. You are a JERK. You're resentful that he had the nerve to cancel a trip because in your mind - you're the best thing he has going - how dare he push you aside. No matter that most of your "bookings" were probably 100% REFUNDABLE - I mean we're talking Labor Day and so you can't be at a significant loss. Thing is - why are you so upset when CLEARLY you don't like him. So yeah - the nature of relationships do change. Perhaps the dynamics and the way and how often you interact with people in your life. But that doesn't mean that despising your supposed best friend for infractions that are simply about who he fundamentally is as a person is one of those "that's how it goes". You've not outgrown him - you've simply turned into asshole who thinks that traveling and a city job means you're better than those who choose to stay in one location. Yes - please dump your "friend" so he can have people in his life that aren't secretly dismissing his entire existence as fluff. |
Anonymous
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Op, you are having serious martial problems and, instead, you're most concerned about your guy friendship?
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Anonymous
| My BFF and I grew up together. We went to different colleges and slowly drifted apart due to distance and me being shitty about staying in touch. After years of not getting together and barely having contact, I found myself inna situation where I've had travel to his area more often. I call him and it's like we never missed a beat. We are who we are. Things and circumstances change. I think his wife doesn't like me and I'm not a fan of hers (his true love got away and I think he settled) but that doesn't get in the way (other than families getting together). |
Anonymous
OP here, and no, I did not. |
Anonymous
Yes you did or else someone exactly like you with the exact same story was on here whining a few months ago about a couple cancelling on a big couples trip even though they had a couple dude trips already scheduled. I am going to go find it. |
Anonymous
Yeah this is definitely you. Even the timelines match up. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/718921.page You are obnoxious. Way to confirm in this post that your DW is crazy and weird (who texts a DHBF at all let alone one they are mad at that they are mad at about marital problems??). You guys have diverging life interests, that is true, its not because he's enthusiastically supportive of his local sports team. Get over yourself. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Wow some of you have a LOT of time on your hands. |
Anonymous
OP just got unlucky, I was a big participant in that other thread. I didn't even think this one sounded that interesting! |