how pissed should I be?

[Anonymous]

Hey DCUM, I've got a bone to pick with my best friends' wife and I'm wondering how pissed I should be.

Context and Details:

-About two months ago we planned our bi-annual trip to meet up with them in September, catch a game, and hang out on labor day weekend. BF wife has not yet met our young son, and they would be meeting up with us fresh off our move to the aforementioned city. We usually always meet up in the fall to visit.

-BF wife has always been a bit frosty, hard to get to know, especially for "strangers" like my wife. BF wife has a very hard time making friends with other women, for a host of reasons I don't really care to examine. It is an important factor in her behavior, imo. My wife is a very outgoing, friendly person who tries to engage everyone...and this woman is just kinda cold to her, still. They obviously are never going to be best friends, which is sad because my wife would certainly let that happen if BF wife were even remotely interested in being friends.

-During our initial planning, BF said they were "on board" and were just waiting for airline tickets to drop. I gave them some time and was patient about it.

-I reminded BF a few weeks ago about airplane tix, and he said he was "on it". In the interim, wife and I purchased game tix, reserved AirBnB, etc....which we admittedly shouldn't have done without confirming BF and wife were actually going.

(you know where this is going....)

-Today I asked BF about their preferences for game tickets and he finally told me the truth that wife "wasn't all about it because she might have an obligation for work and is nervous to ask off". More context is that these two fly all over the country, all year long, doing marathons. They have gone to Disney literally 5 times this year.

I know I'm being a baby about this but my wife and I are very disappointed and frankly, my feelings are hurt and I'm angry at both BF and the wife.

I also know that we shouldn't have made arrangements without actually confirming with them first. I just don't understand why BF wife doesn't want to meet our kid and see our new hometown over what could be a really fun weekend.
Frankly I'm tired of all of us working around her schedule and travel preferences, and I think this is going to have a long-term impact on my friendship with BF.

TLDR: Best friends wife doesn't want to travel for our annual trip, BF didn't tell us until now, and they've left us in the lurch. Should I let this impact my relationship with or expectations of BF?

[Anonymous]

Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

[Anonymous]

Leave them to initiate the next get together.

[Anonymous]

See if BF will come without his wife. "That sucks that she can't get time off, we already booked the Airbnb! Can you come out for the weekend at least?" If BF's wife hasn't met the kid she presumably doesn't come on these trips anyway, and you sound like you'd have more fun without her.

I'd be upset but also kind of ticked at myself I didn't see this coming -- sounds like he was telegraphing his intentions pretty early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

OP here
No kids. They aren't trying to have kids for at least another year. They are 5+ years younger than us.

She has known me for 10+ years and professes to like me, even used to talk with me regularly on the phone before I got married.
I think she doesn't love my wife, but I think there are issues with her interactions with women. I have a feeling she is intimidated by my wife, who honestly has a stronger look and personality than BF wife.

I just had visions of us all traveling together and having fun, but I guess BF wife just "isn't about it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

Or she doesn't want to take time off work to spend time with your kid, whether or not she has her own kids. I know I wouldn't want to take time off work, travel somewhere where I would need to fly, and then spend the time with somebody else's kid. It's just a different dynamic than an adults only trip. And I say this having kids of my own but I also felt this way before I had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

Or she doesn't want to take time off work to spend time with your kid, whether or not she has her own kids. I know I wouldn't want to take time off work, travel somewhere where I would need to fly, and then spend the time with somebody else's kid. It's just a different dynamic than an adults only trip. And I say this having kids of my own but I also felt this way before I had kids.

BF wife probably doesn't care about meeting your young son as much as you care about her meeting him. Not everyone will think your kids are as awesome as you think they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See if BF will come without his wife. "That sucks that she can't get time off, we already booked the Airbnb! Can you come out for the weekend at least?" If BF's wife hasn't met the kid she presumably doesn't come on these trips anyway, and you sound like you'd have more fun without her.

I'd be upset but also kind of ticked at myself I didn't see this coming -- sounds like he was telegraphing his intentions pretty early on.

OP here, thanks:

Yeah I guess this is still an option, and I've come to visit them without DW before.

Our son is 15 months old and literally all of our friends and family have met him aside from her.

I think I subconsciously did see/hear this coming because BF is usually very pro-active about trip planning, buying airplane tics, etc. I just figured they would be there considering it's not only a kind of homecoming for us, but also to meet the kid.

[Anonymous]

You don't have a bone to pick with the wife - you have a bone to pick with your BF. For now, take them off of your travel together list. It sounds like he was waffling from the beginning.

PS - it means nothing that they have been somewhere else this year. There could be anything planned for work during that time - a software standup, some sort of all hands on deck thing, rumors of layoffs, whatever. And it's clear you don't like her, just FYI, so she knows.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't really like her either, so I'm not sure why you are so fixated on this being a couples' get together. My DH and I go on girls/guys trips without each other pretty much annually, and that's without disliking each other's friends. Just meet up with him without her and don't worry so much about whether she doesn't like your wife or is jealous of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

Or she doesn't want to take time off work to spend time with your kid, whether or not she has her own kids. I know I wouldn't want to take time off work, travel somewhere where I would need to fly, and then spend the time with somebody else's kid. It's just a different dynamic than an adults only trip. And I say this having kids of my own but I also felt this way before I had kids.

OP here
We're not just hanging out with the baby all weekend.
She gets to travel everywhere she wants, with or without him, all year long, and I think its selfish that she cant "make a sacrifice" to have a weekend with old friends and their new kid.

We're even palming the kid off on IL so the four of us could have "adult time".

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to go on a couple's trip with the other couple's kid. That ruins pretty much any nighttime activity after 7pm. No clubs, dinners, bars at night, dancing, you name it. I also wouldn't want to eat dinner early or retire to the hotel early to have to accommodate a kid. I have an 18 month old too.

[Anonymous]

Why the obsession got people to meet your kid? How weird. I have very close friends who haven't met my kids. I have no desire to meet theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have kids? She may want kids and can't and its hard for her to be around kids.

Or, she doesn't like you. I don't like my husband's BF and his wife and they don't like me (they like me more now but I don't). He's extremely difficult to be around when he's parenting and very controlling of everyone and their style does not match ours.

Or she doesn't want to take time off work to spend time with your kid, whether or not she has her own kids. I know I wouldn't want to take time off work, travel somewhere where I would need to fly, and then spend the time with somebody else's kid. It's just a different dynamic than an adults only trip. And I say this having kids of my own but I also felt this way before I had kids.

OP here
We're not just hanging out with the baby all weekend.
She gets to travel everywhere she wants, with or without him, all year long, and I think its selfish that she cant "make a sacrifice" to have a weekend with old friends and their new kid.

We're even palming the kid off on IL so the four of us could have "adult time".

It's not your kid that is the issue. It is crystal clear that you don't like her, AND that you think it's all her fault. So...she knows, and is not interested in taking time off to travel to spend the weekend with people who do not like her.

[Anonymous]

Here's what you're about to learn now that you have kids--there are pre-kids friends and post-kids friends. Some (maybe most) people without kids don't want to hang out with people who have kids, even if they've been close friends.