He wants me to want to.
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Anonymous
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We have four under seven. The baby is three months old. Delivery was fast and tearing was minimal, so I was healed up enough for sex by five weeks. Since then we’ve been having sex twice a week, ish. DH is extremely sweet and does at least 50% of the home and kid related stuff when he’s home — earlier this week he went and put away all the laundry I’d been meaning to get to so that once the baby fell asleep I wouldn’t have anything I had to do and we could just hang out — and I don’t mind having sex with him. I just...don’t really want to. (As opposed to wanting not to — I feel fine saying no if there’s a reason for it, and do.) It was like this with all our other kids, too — until my period comes back, I just don’t have any interest in sex. I get turned on enough for it to work mechanically, and I do my best to act like I’m enjoying myself, but frankly I wouldn’t miss it if we weren’t doing it. I initiate at least half the time, he doesn’t have complaints about frequency, but he hates that I don’t seem into it and he feels guilty. At the same time, he doesn’t want to not have sex again until I’m really enthused because that will be a while.
We’ve talked about it and don’t have any better ideas than to keep on as we are, but it’s frustrating for me to feel like I’m doing this nice thing for him and our marriage and he’s still disappointed. This is more sex than a lot of people WITHOUT babies have! Then again, duty sex isn’t exactly flattering and I can’t blame him for his emotions. Anyone BTDT and have advice? |
Anonymous
| He probably has little to no interest in putting the laundry away, but yet.... |
Anonymous
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It’s a chore. Instead of a chore that keeps the house clean, it’s one to keep the marriage healthy. Just do it.
It takes less time to have sex than many of the other,chores we do |
Anonymous
Have you always had trouble with reading comprehension? |
Anonymous
| I know it’s a chore! And I do it more reliably than a lot of my other chores, honestly, it’s higher up on my priority list, but he hates that it’s a chore for me. Not that I tell him it is, because that’s mean, but I’m not that good an actress. |
Anonymous
| Jesus. You are three months post partum. You have four kids under seven. Yet you are still finding the energy to have sex with him once or twice a week and he's complaining and making you feel guilty that you aren't into it enough? My god. |
Anonymous
| I struggled with this after I had my child (although I had a lot of tearing and stitches so also had a longer healing time). DH didn’t like the idea of having sex if I wasnt into it but for me, it was important to keep having sex regularly (once I was healed) so that we wouldn’t end up with a sexless marriage. Having the “duty sex” meant I was much more prepared and into it when I was finally feeling excited about it. I would have a frank conversation with him: he can have “duty sex” that you enjoy but aren’t over the moon about or he can cuddle up to himself for a few months. Those are the options. |
Anonymous
To be clear, he’s not complaining in a “you are a bad wife” kind of way, more of a “I am a bad husband to make you have to do more stuff.” I kind of want to smack him and tell him not to look a gift horse in the...mouth. |
Anonymous
| Tell him it could be worse. My DH and I basically don’t have sex until I finish BFing around 15 months. We tried a few times each time, but it’s just so painful and unpleasant for me that I can’t really fake it and don’t really want to. I offered to stop BFing the second time, since we now knew what the issue was (the first time I was worried this was a permanent thing), but he thinks it’s sufficiently important that he declined. Couple with the fact that I bled throughout my second pregnancy, he basically didn’t get to have sex for two years. Then we made up for lost time... now I am pregnant with #3. |
Anonymous
| I think you're already going above and beyond, but at this point, what's so hard about adding in a few extra moans and hip swivels? |
Anonymous
| My god this thread is depressing. Sex is supposed to be fun. If it's not fun, let your body rest a bit. |
Anonymous
| My advice is to take a break for a while. You don't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it ... why not stop doing it? |
Anonymous
| Your husband should not worry that you’re not into it right now. Women are beautifully designed to not get preggers too soon after previous baby. The hormonal balance ensures it. Look it up and tell him the science at work here. You want to keep up the habit, that’s your call, but he can either live with your low libido or take care of himself. |
Anonymous
| Men just don’t get it. Women need to be seduced. Let HIM work on that. |
Anonymous
| Laying guilt trips on a new mom: so hot! |