FIL's funeral

[Anonymous]

We had FIL's funeral today, my parents are alive and my grandparents' funerals didn't make much impact on me, so it was the most emotional funeral for me. I don't get along well with my own dad but FIL was special. My main observations were: I couldn't believe how small the coffin was. He wasn't a large man, but maybe because he was important to me, it just surprised me. Also, seeing dh and his brother and mom without their dad seemed like their family had an amputation. Arriving at their apartment without saying hello to him, and leaving without saying goodbye to him, felt so sad. I'd like to think I can fix things with my own dad, but we've been doing family therapy for about a year, and it's definitely slow going. Curious if my experience today feels familiar to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Don’t judge how you or others react to death. It can impact people in varying and surprising ways. It may be less about who died then the realization that death has now become far more real to you. It can certainly help you see all of your relationships in a different light and perhaps offer a way forward without as much baggage. This does not mean that your father has had any relevant revelations.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It sounds like your FIL was a special man and that you will miss him. When my MIL died, and I was not as close to her as you were to your FIL, it felt like there was an empty space when I walked into the house for the first time. There was my FIL and it felt like this huge hole right next to him. It has taken me a while to get over. I still look for her when we do certain things - like, hey, do you see that the kids are … ? and then I realize she's not there. It is always a bummer. On the other hand, we're thankful for the time we did have with her!

I am glad that you are working on repairing your relationship with your own father.

Hugs to you and, again, I'm sorry about your FIL!

[Anonymous]

op: Thank you both for your responses, you are very kind. I've been to other funerals in the past year, this was totally different, he was completely unlike any other 82 year old man, he was still working at 80 before he got cancer yet he would bake and cook with my daughters, he was always doing things for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: Thank you both for your responses, you are very kind. I've been to other funerals in the past year, this was totally different, he was completely unlike any other 82 year old man, he was still working at 80 before he got cancer yet he would bake and cook with my daughters, he was always doing things for others.

My dad passed away from cancer this year at 76. He was truly special. He moved and acted like somebody in his 50s/60s prior to cancer. He was such a devoted husband/father and the absolute best grandfather ever. He touched so many people's lives and was truly larger than life---with a wit and sense of humor that had you falling down in stitches. My kids were very, very close and he was with all of his grandsons. Very involved in anything they did, always on the sidelines. He was brilliant and would talk history and science with my oldest. He was an incredible cook and loved Holidays, and everything about life.

I get what you mean when you said that it was weird to not have him there to say 'hello' or to say 'goodbye' at the funeral home. It does feel like an amputation. Life has lost some luster and I will never be the same. My husband and BIL who weren't as close with their own fathers really took my dad's passing very hard as well.

My greatest sadness is my kids didn't make it to adulthood with him (9 and 12). My sister's kids are all 18 and over and he had so much more time with him. One of the biggest downers for me is that my dad was the one that I instantly called when my kids did something funny, mischievous or had a big accomplishment. He LOVED to hear it all. He was always thinking of them and picking out things they would like. I have felt this huge hole. My mom and my husband are close, but it was my dad that was so enamored with every little detail and he always had great perspective and advice.

Talk to your dad. Get to know him more while you have time. I have zero regrets about anything with my dad. Nothing went unsaid.

[Anonymous]

I think funerals can always be a bit jarring. I really dislike caskets. Knowing that their is a lifeless body of a loved one inside is really just too much for me. I find funerals upsetting enough without that. (Yes I really want to be cremated).

At my beloved grandfather's funeral I was about 12. They had an open casket viewing the night before. I remember thinking his face looked like a wax statue of him. But then I looked at his hands and those were HIS HANDS. It just shook me so to my core that those were my grandpa's hands in this casket on this dead body. I will never forget it and it's been 25 years.

You are grieving OP. It can be a complicated process and it's not always linear. Be gentle with yourself and your DH.

[Anonymous]

Corpses have less water, and they get packed into a small space so the body doesn't move around during transport. So yes, it's all smaller and different and yes, it feels very strange.

My FIL really needed to be let go, he was suffering. However we were all terribly sad when my young and fun BIL passed away from a brain tumor. So unfair when people die before their time.

I'm sorry, OP. With time, you will feel more at peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think funerals can always be a bit jarring. I really dislike caskets. Knowing that their is a lifeless body of a loved one inside is really just too much for me. I find funerals upsetting enough without that. (Yes I really want to be cremated).

At my beloved grandfather's funeral I was about 12. They had an open casket viewing the night before. I remember thinking his face looked like a wax statue of him. But then I looked at his hands and those were HIS HANDS. It just shook me so to my core that those were my grandpa's hands in this casket on this dead body. I will never forget it and it's been 25 years.

You are grieving OP. It can be a complicated process and it's not always linear. Be gentle with yourself and your DH.

I'm the pp. And my dad was cremated. My boys saw him before he passed at home, but he was very peaceful looking. My oldest son who was very close to him was always asking to see him in the hospital and right up until the end. I think it really helped him process his emotions. During my youth and my mom's , kids were kept away until the funeral and it was more traumatic.

My dad was very proud and his one wish from when I was small was to not have a wake/open casket. He was scarred from a childhood friends funeral and over the years he had been to so many where people just talked about the way people looked.

Prior to the cremation, my mom, sister and I went to see his body and it looked nothing like him. I am so glad nobody else saw him but us. He would have hated that--and especially for his grandsons to see him that way.

Even as a 48-year old adult, I had a hard time processing when they removed my dad from the house and knowing his body was sitting in a freezer somewhere. I really never left his side in the hospital or for the ride back to our house for hospice.

I also have memories of my grandparents in open caskets.