Teen with adoption issue

[Anonymous]

A family on our road has 3 kids (2 are adopted) and the oldest (17) who is one of the adopted kids is friends with my teen. The family is quirky. Nice people but just unusual lifestyle, atypical hobbies and interests, non traditional values and philosophies on life. As soon as you meet them, you know they march to the beat of their own drum.

The 17 year old finds their life style embarrassing and he is not into much of what the parents are, and doesn't agree with much of what they believe. He feels like he has never fit into this family, that they don't get him etc. Very typical teen stuff to some degree. However he is very caught up in the random lottery results of adoption placements. He was adopted as a baby - so the idea that had any number of minor factors been even slightly different he would have had completely different parents, and a different life. He envisions the life that other adopted kids have with more 'normal parents' and is angry that he by luck of the draw ended up with this family. He looks up the life stories of other adoptees and basically is jealous / upset that his life and his potential has been constrained / limited by the family he ended up in. I have also shown him stories of how it could have been a lot worse!

I think he will likely grow out of this as he ages but anyone else know of an adoptee who really struggles with this issue?

[Anonymous]

This is such an odd post. What's it to you?

If you actually care to help him, get him in touch with an adoptee support group. There are a zillion in the area.

[Anonymous]

This is a weird post for a neighbor.

Are you an aunt?

[Anonymous]

This isn’t even absolutely certainly due to adoption.
1. Some teens are embarrassed by nearly everything their families do. Except for true extremes of behavior, this typically fades as adolescent self-consciousness diminishes and the teen stops misperceiving how much the rest of the world actually cares about what he or his parents do.
2. Many people feel out of place in their own natal families. Adoptive parents are under no more obligation to be “normal” than birth parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird post for a neighbor.

Are you an aunt?

Not an aunt. This kid just spends a lot of time at our house, as in he is almost always here. He prefers it here to home and his parents are fine with him being here. He talks to me about it, and is a bit preoccupied with it. I have no duty or responsibility but he has a lot of angst over this and I am not sure how to help him or direct him.

[Anonymous]

do you know whether or not the birth mom met or in any way selected his adopted parents?

does he know who his birth parents are?

frankly i am not adopted but the luck of the draw aspect of it is amazing to think about. i dont blame him but ruminating on this is not healthy. does he persevearate about other things too?

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with adoption and with the home environment. Stay out of it. You are making things worse by interfering and playing the rescuer. Many teens are embarrassed by the parents. We get it, you don't like the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird post for a neighbor.

Are you an aunt?

Not an aunt. This kid just spends a lot of time at our house, as in he is almost always here. He prefers it here to home and his parents are fine with him being here. He talks to me about it, and is a bit preoccupied with it. I have no duty or responsibility but he has a lot of angst over this and I am not sure how to help him or direct him.

Not sure you can direct him. But you can listen and be understanding. Sounds like you're doing that. Don't try to fix it. Just be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird post for a neighbor.

Are you an aunt?

Not an aunt. This kid just spends a lot of time at our house, as in he is almost always here. He prefers it here to home and his parents are fine with him being here. He talks to me about it, and is a bit preoccupied with it. I have no duty or responsibility but he has a lot of angst over this and I am not sure how to help him or direct him.

Not sure you can direct him. But you can listen and be understanding. Sounds like you're doing that. Don't try to fix it. Just be there.

And don’t feed into his discomfort by sharing your opinions on the family’s ways. I’ll never forget the teacher who made fun of my mom’s clothes when I complained that my mom had 1950s ideas. I meant about dating and women’s career ambitions. My mom wore outdated clothing because we were poor.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a DD17 who came to our family through adoption, I recognize the sentiments this teen is expressing. Many--though certainly not all--adoptees struggle with uncomfortable feelings about the decisions about their lives that were made for them. Some kids act out by rejecting adult authority in all its forms; some have ongoing trust issues; and some ruminate over what could have been.

OP, it's not your place to argue with these feelings. Listen to this teen and be the safe space for him to express these feelings.

[Anonymous]

What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

This is true for adoption or no adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

This is true for adoption or no adoption.

Yup. Another adult adoptee, and while I sometimes thought about the randomness of being placed with my family, I recognized that it's all random. Some people are born into wealth, others into poverty. Some people have parents that they get along with well, others feel like an alien in their own family. Some people are born into families with histories of addiction or abuse or cancer; others hit the jackpot. Might be worth saying that to this teen. We all get the luck of the draw, whether genetically or through an adoption agency. As long as his parents love him and take care of him, he's winning the parent lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

This is true for adoption or no adoption.

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.