Teen with adoption issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

[Anonymous]

Maybe talk to him about, below the surface, what he sees as his family’s values. Maybe he can find something he can. share with them .

Or maybe he’s a teenager and will despise his family no matter what. Hopefully when he’s older he’ll be wiser.

(This assumes that his “weirdo” family actually does function according to values he’ll find meanings...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family on our road has 3 kids (2 are adopted) and the oldest (17) who is one of the adopted kids is friends with my teen. The family is quirky. Nice people but just unusual lifestyle, atypical hobbies and interests, non traditional values and philosophies on life. As soon as you meet them, you know they march to the beat of their own drum.

The 17 year old finds their life style embarrassing and he is not into much of what the parents are, and doesn't agree with much of what they believe. He feels like he has never fit into this family, that they don't get him etc. Very typical teen stuff to some degree. However he is very caught up in the random lottery results of adoption placements. He was adopted as a baby - so the idea that had any number of minor factors been even slightly different he would have had completely different parents, and a different life. He envisions the life that other adopted kids have with more 'normal parents' and is angry that he by luck of the draw ended up with this family. He looks up the life stories of other adoptees and basically is jealous / upset that his life and his potential has been constrained / limited by the family he ended up in. I have also shown him stories of how it could have been a lot worse!

I think he will likely grow out of this as he ages but anyone else know of an adoptee who really struggles with this issue?

To answer your subtle jabs -
no his parents didn't do anything wrong
they didn't pick the wrong interests and they didn't wrong him in anyway

the feelings this kid has are very typical of teens and of adopted teens. The struggle is often life long and isn't something for you to solve nor could his parents solve it. The feelings he has are real and only he can work through them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

I sort of feel like it's karma. She was the beautiful one that everyone loved when we were younger. I really worked hard to get other people to like me and to get attention from my parents. She got ALL the attention from everyone whereas I was just the good kid who didn't need as much parental help, homework help or anything else. I was ignored a lot as a kid. I'm sure my parents wish she was there instead of me.

[Anonymous]

I am biologically related to my parents. As a teenager I used to daydream that I was switched at birth and had much more wonderful parents out there somewhere.

My parents are fabulous and I adore them.

Teens are pretty angsty in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

I sort of feel like it's karma. She was the beautiful one that everyone loved when we were younger. I really worked hard to get other people to like me and to get attention from my parents. She got ALL the attention from everyone whereas I was just the good kid who didn't need as much parental help, homework help or anything else. I was ignored a lot as a kid. I'm sure my parents wish she was there instead of me.

Its very much Karma. I never felt I fit into my family. They valued education and my sister got straight A's/honors and I tried hard and never did. My parents were very insulting to me. They blamed me for everything wrong in the family and still make comments about how difficult I was. I was the kid who helped with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and even when I turned 16, did things like care for the cars. Always came home when I said I would, etc. They have no idea how good they had it. I barely have contact and we live close by. My mom says the nastiest things about me to my kids.

We adopted. She's perfect for our family. She is similar to us but we make sure we do a balance and her needs/wishes, etc. with ours/rest of the family. We would have done it regardless of how our child joined our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

Birthparents or agencies choose, not the child. Birthparents generally look for families who are either very similar or very different depending on their life experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

Birthparents or agencies choose, not the child. Birthparents generally look for families who are either very similar or very different depending on their life experiences.

I’m familiar with the adoption process as a member of two different parts of the adoption triad. Some families do indeed choose. The adoption agency makes a referral but the family is the one who accepts the referral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And this is also in the eye of the beholder. I think my family is the best family on Earth and love everything about my parents. I fit in with them like 3 peas in a pod. My sister actually was adopted and thinks my family is the worst. She ran away and maintains no contact with them. She wishes she had a quirky family instead of the preppy family we have that loves to travel. My sister fought with them for her whole adolescence whereas I loved being home with my parents, reading the same books they read, shopping with them, cooking with them and I love raising my family near them.

Man, that's gotta be tough for your sister.

I sort of feel like it's karma. She was the beautiful one that everyone loved when we were younger. I really worked hard to get other people to like me and to get attention from my parents. She got ALL the attention from everyone whereas I was just the good kid who didn't need as much parental help, homework help or anything else. I was ignored a lot as a kid. I'm sure my parents wish she was there instead of me.

Your parents don't happen to be alcoholics by any chance, are they? This sounds a lot like the roles that children of alcoholics play in families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are " random results of lottery placements"?
I have an adopted DD and have no idea what you are talking about?

Adult adoptee here. Probably means how it’s random that some adoptees were adopted by really great families (like I was) and how some got really shitty families.

But this is true of birth families, too.

Correct. But children raised by the family they're born into are one and done with their random lottery. Adopted children go through it twice- the (bad or good) luck to be born into a family that can't raise them and then the luck to "chosen" by another- good or bad- family.

Birthparents or agencies choose, not the child. Birthparents generally look for families who are either very similar or very different depending on their life experiences.

I’m familiar with the adoption process as a member of two different parts of the adoption triad. Some families do indeed choose. The adoption agency makes a referral but the family is the one who accepts the referral.

That's not exactly choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family on our road has 3 kids (2 are adopted) and the oldest (17) who is one of the adopted kids is friends with my teen. The family is quirky. Nice people but just unusual lifestyle, atypical hobbies and interests, non traditional values and philosophies on life. As soon as you meet them, you know they march to the beat of their own drum.

The 17 year old finds their life style embarrassing and he is not into much of what the parents are, and doesn't agree with much of what they believe. He feels like he has never fit into this family, that they don't get him etc. Very typical teen stuff to some degree. However he is very caught up in the random lottery results of adoption placements. He was adopted as a baby - so the idea that had any number of minor factors been even slightly different he would have had completely different parents, and a different life. He envisions the life that other adopted kids have with more 'normal parents' and is angry that he by luck of the draw ended up with this family. He looks up the life stories of other adoptees and basically is jealous / upset that his life and his potential has been constrained / limited by the family he ended up in. I have also shown him stories of how it could have been a lot worse!

I think he will likely grow out of this as he ages but anyone else know of an adoptee who really struggles with this issue?

You sound judgmental AF and need to back off. This is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Adult adoptee and in the last year have been reunited with birth sibling. The randomness of placement has been something I have struggled with since reuniting. I have wonderful, loving supportive parents who provided me with every opportunity. He on the other hand was raised by a handicapped unemployed mother, father was a heroin addict that died when he was 13. He is successful and thriving despite his upbringing. It's been a wild experiment in nature vs. nurture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult adoptee and in the last year have been reunited with birth sibling. The randomness of placement has been something I have struggled with since reuniting. I have wonderful, loving supportive parents who provided me with every opportunity. He on the other hand was raised by a handicapped unemployed mother, father was a heroin addict that died when he was 13. He is successful and thriving despite his upbringing. It's been a wild experiment in nature vs. nurture.

I agree with this poster. I am an adult adoptee and was reunited with my birthmother. We are so different. I thank God he gave me the adopted mother I had. If my birthmother and I were together --- neither of us would have survived, let alone thrived (she was a teenage mom with no support).

I adopted and my child has everything -- including me a mom who loves her unconditionally, but it is not enough -- has never seemed to be enough since she was about 7. She still wants the mom and dad who gave her up for adoption and it is hard to understand being an adoptive child myself who loved her parents and felt her birthparents didn't matter (they did what was best for all of us).