forgive and let go?

[Anonymous]

Do you forgive and let go?

I have 2 brothers who are both in their thirties. I became a stay at home mom with 2 little ones back to back, moved to a tiny apartment in another state, no family support and my DH at the time was working a stressful new job with a lot of hours.

Both my mother and brothers visited me during this time and although there were wonderful moments. My mother took opportunities to make me feel terrible while she stayed with us but also helped a tremendous amount with the kids. One of my brothers who I guess had some resentment built up towards me, also took this visit as an opportunity to unleash his anger at me during an exchange. It was crazy. My mom lashed out and then my brother who was also there "ganged up" on me verbally. I was completely blindsided and already felt very "down" as a new mom with a baby and toddler.

My question is, they really kicked me at my lowest. Should I forgive and let it go?

[Anonymous]

Was their “unleashing” justified? If not, I would find it difficult to beyond that.

[Anonymous]

took opportunities to make me feel terrible while she stayed with us but also helped a tremendous amount

Learn a lesson. You should not be accepting favors -- "helped a tremendous amount" ---- in exchange for rude behavior. If you didn't know clearly that they would speak rudely, you know now. AND you do not want this around your kids. It's not just about you now, it's about your kid, it's about going forward. Do not have them stay in your home. Socialize only on neutral turf where you can excuse yourself and leave independently. Do not excuse the behavior with hopes that it might not always be this bad. Do not explain yourself to them, do not discuss "why" if they notice a change in how you manage the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was their “unleashing” justified? If not, I would find it difficult to beyond that.

Good question. Honestly I can't even remember what caused the unleashing. However, it may have something to do with the fact that both of my brothers are not married. By default of being married and having children, this has almost caused my mom and brothers to act strangely at times towards me. Is it jealousy? Is it resentment? I don't know but I do know I seem to get the brunt of it.

[Anonymous]

You are wasting energy caring on "why". You have a much bigger responsibility. You have children now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was their “unleashing” justified? If not, I would find it difficult to beyond that.

Good question. Honestly I can't even remember what caused the unleashing. However, it may have something to do with the fact that both of my brothers are not married. By default of being married and having children, this has almost caused my mom and brothers to act strangely at times towards me. Is it jealousy? Is it resentment? I don't know but I do know I seem to get the brunt of it.

But what did they accuse you of doing that was so awful? Come on, OP. You’re inability to remember what happened is concerning.

[Anonymous]

What? They are ganging up on you in your own house? Well, that scenario would never happen again in my lifetime. Meet them somewhere else where you have the ability to leave if this would happen again. Did you call them out on their behavior?

[Anonymous]

How long ago did this “unleashing” visit happen?

[Anonymous]

I would try to accept rather than forgive. They are who they are, this is how they act, and you can’t change them. Then decide what level of contact works for you and your family. The pp’s suggestions not to accept favors or allow them to stay in your house is wise.

[Anonymous]

If you want to have a relationship with them, yes. Like PP said, it's not a matter of forgiving but rather accepting.

If holding a grudge and/or holding on to the hurt they caused you is only prolonging the hurt, let it go.

[Anonymous]

I have a mom and sister who gang up on me. We walked out of a family dinner at my parents house it got so bad. My husband got our stuff and took our kid and said lets go which shocked me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. Now I avoid family dinners with everyone.

[Anonymous]

What was the resentment about?

[Anonymous]

If you can't come out with chronological information such as you would give to police, then you're not credible, OP.

Ex: I said X, then Brother said Y, then Mother screamed at me because of Z, then I started to cry and shut myself in my room, then Brother complained I hadn't cooked dinner, etc...

[Anonymous]

OP, very gently, could your memory of what happened be skewed by the timing -- i.e. the fact that you were post partum? I had awful fights with my husband over nothing during this period, due to lack of sleep and hormones. Perhaps you felt "ganged up on" but can't remember the actual events because it was not that big of a deal, but lack of sleep and hormones made it seem like a big deal. I would forgive and forget. That time in your life is not a time I would make a lot of important decisions about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mom and sister who gang up on me. We walked out of a family dinner at my parents house it got so bad. My husband got our stuff and took our kid and said lets go which shocked me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. Now I avoid family dinners with everyone.

He is a good man.