Cheap SIL re childcare

[Anonymous]

My brother and SIL recently moved back to the area and moved within a mile of where I live. SIL is a sahm. We are not close and don't particularly even like each other. We play nice at family functions and our kids are around the same age and play together.

I have a wonderful nanny that cares for our kids. She works a lot of hours and without her I don't know how H and I would do it. SIL asked if she could drop her kids off with nanny from time to time for play dates while she did appointments. I explained to her that is not how play dates work and that she was basically trying to get free babysitting. I told her that nanny arranged the kids play dates during the week and it was usually with her nanny friends. Given that we had very different ideas of what play dates were I told her nanny was not available to host her kids.

You would have thought the world had ended. SIL went immediately and complained to my brother. He called me and asked me to apologize. I said for what. His wife tried to get free babysitting in the guise of a play date. All I did was call her out on it. He thanked me for being difficult and we ended the conversation. Was I out of line?

[Anonymous]

SIL is crazy. But you should have said something like "let me check with our nanny to see if she'd be okay with it and what rate she'd charge for extra kids." That would put the impetus on the nanny and let her know it's not just about what you want, but there's a 3rd person caring for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes you were out of line. It was fine and appropriate to say no, but no need to be rude about it. You did it in such a way that of course she's going to feel angry and defensive. And for what? You should have just said that unfortunately this would not work because the nanny arranges the play dates, usually with her friends. You're causing a problem in your family for no reason at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is crazy. But you should have said something like "let me check with our nanny to see if she'd be okay with it and what rate she'd charge for extra kids." That would put the impetus on the nanny and let her know it's not just about what you want, but there's a 3rd person caring for the kids.

+1 with the caveat that I'd change "what rate she'd charge" to "what rate she'd charge you" because you know a SIL like this would expect OP to foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

Not out of line. You pay your nanny a set amount per hour for a certain number of kids. Your nanny does not watch additional kids for free when they have play dates - the other kids are supervised by their caregiver who presumably brings snacks, changes diapers, disciplines, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is crazy. But you should have said something like "let me check with our nanny to see if she'd be okay with it and what rate she'd charge for extra kids." That would put the impetus on the nanny and let her know it's not just about what you want, but there's a 3rd person caring for the kids.

Yea, this!! You were unnecessarily antagonistic!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd give your SIL a chance to "save face" AND let her know that this won't fly at the same time.

Call her up and say "Oh Larla, I'm soooooo sorry about our misunderstanding. I think we got our wires crossed, and somehow I was thinking that you were asking if you could drop your kids off with our nanny and she would just watching them for free while you ran errands. So when I explained to BIL that we can't just add extra kids to our nanny's responsibility without her being compensated, he was sure that I had misunderstood. So if you guys are willing to pay her to watch your kids while you do various errands, I'd be happy to ask her if she might be wiling to do this and what she would charge you. Or if you wanted me to see if she might be interested in doing playdates where you'll be here at the same time or meet at a park so the kids can play together, I can always ask!"

Then see how she responds. This lets her "save face" and gives her another shot at not looking like a total mooch! OR, she can double down and actually have to clarify that she is ASKING for FREE babysitting from your nanny...to which you can again emphasize, "I'm sorry....but we pay her to watch Larlo, and I can't ask her to add additional kids without you compensating her for that."

[Anonymous]

I don't think you were out of line. What you said sounds OK to me. No room for misunderstanding. SIL was out of line asking if the nanny could provide her drop-in babysitting for free. She would not ask that if your children were in daycare. The nanny is a paid childcare provider, she does not, and should not work for free. SIL can arrange a trade off with another SAH mom, join a co-op, or pay a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Why do you need to be rude about it? She could have lied and said she would be there with them but she didn’t. Geez lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say no. Why do you need to be rude about it? She could have lied and said she would be there with them but she didn’t. Geez lady.

What? She wasn't rude.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

[Anonymous]

Declining her suggestion is reasonable, but you could have done it nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Declining her suggestion is reasonable, but you could have done it nicely.

I believe this too. You could have done what other PPs suggest to mention the amount that would be fair for her to pay your nanny for the extra work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

+1

My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

Where do you think SIL lived that she doesn't understand that nannies are paid? OP wasn't rude, SIL just didn't like the answer. It isn't even a 'favor' that is possible for the OP to do, since she was asking to just drop the kids off for her nanny to watch at unspecified times. The nanny would not likely just be OK with that arrangement.