Cheap SIL re childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you were out of line. It was fine and appropriate to say no, but no need to be rude about it. You did it in such a way that of course she's going to feel angry and defensive. And for what? You should have just said that unfortunately this would not work because the nanny arranges the play dates, usually with her friends. You're causing a problem in your family for no reason at all.

This. You are right on principal and totally screwed up the delivery. Are you always this aggressive?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, SIL was slimy. She purposely called it a "playdate while she did appointments." Um, ok. That's babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL is crazy. But you should have said something like "let me check with our nanny to see if she'd be okay with it and what rate she'd charge for extra kids." That would put the impetus on the nanny and let her know it's not just about what you want, but there's a 3rd person caring for the kids.

+1 with the caveat that I'd change "what rate she'd charge" to "what rate she'd charge you" because you know a SIL like this would expect OP to foot the bill.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

A lot of SAHMs are pretty detached from reality but she’d have to be a complete imbecile not to understand “the dynamics of a nanny” i.e. their employer pays them for their services to care for their children. Surely this lady has gotten a babysitter before, right? It’s not like if you know your friends are having a date night and you can be like “sweet, you guys arranged for a sitter for your kids? We thought we’d go out as well so we’ll drop the kids off at 6” and expect to pay nothing for it.

[Anonymous]

SIL is crazy, but to be fair, maybe she thought nanny would charge her? Or maybe she thought you guys could trade off sitting? (I know you don't want that though). Lots of SAMHs trade off free babysitting. She just doesn't get it though that you pay for nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

+1

My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.

How is it a win-win for the nanny having 2 extra kids to watch? Agree that OP could have been nicer about saying no, or could have told SIL the price nanny would charge to watch her extra kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd give your SIL a chance to "save face" AND let her know that this won't fly at the same time.

Call her up and say "Oh Larla, I'm soooooo sorry about our misunderstanding. I think we got our wires crossed, and somehow I was thinking that you were asking if you could drop your kids off with our nanny and she would just watching them for free while you ran errands. So when I explained to BIL that we can't just add extra kids to our nanny's responsibility without her being compensated, he was sure that I had misunderstood. So if you guys are willing to pay her to watch your kids while you do various errands, I'd be happy to ask her if she might be wiling to do this and what she would charge you. Or if you wanted me to see if she might be interested in doing playdates where you'll be here at the same time or meet at a park so the kids can play together, I can always ask!"

Then see how she responds. This lets her "save face" and gives her another shot at not looking like a total mooch! OR, she can double down and actually have to clarify that she is ASKING for FREE babysitting from your nanny...to which you can again emphasize, "I'm sorry....but we pay her to watch Larlo, and I can't ask her to add additional kids without you compensating her for that."

BRILLIANT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

+1

My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.

You do realize that win-win means that BOTH sides win in the arrangement. How exactly does OP or her nanny win by what the SIL is asking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL recently moved back to the area and moved within a mile of where I live. SIL is a sahm. We are not close and don't particularly even like each other. We play nice at family functions and our kids are around the same age and play together.

I have a wonderful nanny that cares for our kids. She works a lot of hours and without her I don't know how H and I would do it. SIL asked if she could drop her kids off with nanny from time to time for play dates while she did appointments. I explained to her that is not how play dates work and that she was basically trying to get free babysitting. I told her that nanny arranged the kids play dates during the week and it was usually with her nanny friends. Given that we had very different ideas of what play dates were I told her nanny was not available to host her kids.

You would have thought the world had ended. SIL went immediately and complained to my brother. He called me and asked me to apologize. I said for what. His wife tried to get free babysitting in the guise of a play date. All I did was call her out on it. He thanked me for being difficult and we ended the conversation. Was I out of line?

Can you explain to me how the nanny/play date situation typically works? I have an infant and am new to the many thing. She asked
Me about this but I didn't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

You already have bad history, this will just make it worse. But it doesn't matter. Most of the time people come on here asking how to say no to unwanted situations. You said no clearly. I would not worry about it. Their outsized reaction tells everything you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

+1

My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.

You do realize that win-win means that BOTH sides win in the arrangement. How exactly does OP or her nanny win by what the SIL is asking?

Hmm let me think. Maybe since she is a SAHM she could help when the Nanny calls in sick or takes a day off. Or perhaps, they might want to have a night out on the weekend and the SIL could babysit for free or have the kids spend the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.

She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.

Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.

+1

My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.

You do realize that win-win means that BOTH sides win in the arrangement. How exactly does OP or her nanny win by what the SIL is asking?

Hmm let me think. Maybe since she is a SAHM she could help when the Nanny calls in sick or takes a day off. Or perhaps, they might want to have a night out on the weekend and the SIL could babysit for free or have the kids spend the night.

And how does the nanny benefit ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL recently moved back to the area and moved within a mile of where I live. SIL is a sahm. We are not close and don't particularly even like each other. We play nice at family functions and our kids are around the same age and play together.

I have a wonderful nanny that cares for our kids. She works a lot of hours and without her I don't know how H and I would do it. SIL asked if she could drop her kids off with nanny from time to time for play dates while she did appointments. I explained to her that is not how play dates work and that she was basically trying to get free babysitting. I told her that nanny arranged the kids play dates during the week and it was usually with her nanny friends. Given that we had very different ideas of what play dates were I told her nanny was not available to host her kids.

You would have thought the world had ended. SIL went immediately and complained to my brother. He called me and asked me to apologize. I said for what. His wife tried to get free babysitting in the guise of a play date. All I did was call her out on it. He thanked me for being difficult and we ended the conversation. Was I out of line?

Can you explain to me how the nanny/play date situation typically works? I have an infant and am new to the many thing. She asked
Me about this but I didn't know what to say.

Typically the other kid also has a nanny or sitter or parent present.

[Anonymous]

You were very undiplomatic for no reason, OP, and it’s unfortunate because you come off to your family as the one in the wrong.

Yes, it is possible SIL might abuse this opportunity by not coming back to pick up her kids at the agreed upon time, or dropping them off too frequently, thus burdening the nanny.

But you owe it to her to give her a chance. A chance for first cousins to interact should not be turned down in such cavalier fashion. This family might move away at some point and it will he harder for the cousins to develop a relationship.

These are the conditions you should have placed: SIL can pay the nanny a babysitting fee. No more than one 2 hour playdate per week, or every two weeks, or once a month, and she must come back on time to pick up her kids otherwise no more playdates. The trick here is not to say no outright, but to impose limits.

I hope you can understand that you shot yourself in the foot. Please reach out and correct the message.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a little out of line, but honestly, she deserves it. I wouldn't apologize either.