Wedding drama
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Anonymous
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It is my three year anniversary and I’m still heartbroken about my wedding.
My mother, brother, and grandmother did not attend because I invited my father. Parents are divorced. I said I wasn’t choosing sides and everyone was invited. I arranged for a reception venue that took up two rooms so my parents could avoid each other. 3 months before the wedding, my Grandma started pushing me hard to cancel. She threatened to cut me out of her will and I told her to bring it on. Then my mother and Grandma invented a story about me being “cruel/abusive” to Grandma and they said they wouldn’t attend because of my “severe mental issues” and “abuse.” The day before my wedding, my brother said he wouldn’t attend because of what I had done to the family. I know that I sound crazy, but I still play all these events over and over again and wish there was some way it could have come out differently. I’ve tried therapy. I’ve tried focusing on all the people who DID attend, and cultivating gratitude for that. I’ve tried not thinking about it ( that probably helps the most). It’s just a party, right? I have a good marriage and that’s what’s important. Nothing is working. After 3 years I thought i would be over it. How many years will it take? |
Anonymous
| That sounds awful. Honestly, it may never totally go away. I think that’s what acceptance really means: dealing with the fact that we don’t get over some things. They just become a sadness within us, that never fully goes away even if it dulls with time. All you can do is keep your head up and concentrate on the good things. |
Anonymous
| Did they have a reason for not wanting to be there with your father (e.g. domestic violence, bad moral character, liar, etc.)? |
Anonymous
| Are you still estranged from them? |
Anonymous
Yes. I have not seen them since before the wedding. I sent pictures and a letter to my mom and she returned them in the mail with a letter saying I was no longer her daughter. I know it would seem like the logical reaction should be for me to think “good riddance” but my mom really did have good qualities. |
Anonymous
According to them, of course. My dad cheated, 20 years ago. My mom has never acknowledged it, but I have been told by several people that she cheated too, long before my dad did. I’m of the position that all of this is between them and it was their marriage. I didn’t accept it as a reason not to include my dad in my wedding, 20 years after the fact. |
Anonymous
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Well, now you know the reason your father got out! Your mother's side of the family is completely crazy and irrational. I'm very sorry, OP, and I understand how it can still hurt badly. You are grieving the death of your relationship. I suggest you either see a therapist or work on acceptance yourself, by reading the appropriate books (library), doing some yoga and meditation, going for walks with your dog, etc. I've tried all these things, and only the therapist didn't help 
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Anonymous
| I am sorry that you have such a terrible mom, grandma and brother. It is clear that they are messed up. To not show up for her own daughter's wedding? That is terrible, and to use so much emotional black mail on you? To make you a scape goat bcs of her issues with your Dad? Are they all narcissists? Did she blame you when you were a child for her marriage and adult problems? Of course it hurts you that your mom basically cut your out of her life, how could it not? You are not a robot to just forget it and it is hard to move on. Just don't blame yourself, that is exactly what they want, they thrive from your feeling guilty. I can't imagine what would you feel guilty about, but given that you are writing and kind of begging, they are successful in their emotional blackmail. If you stopped all of it, that would make them unhappy, but please find the will to stop. You are not at fault, they are nuts. So, make a conscious effort to move on with your life. They are not worth it, no loving mom would do this and it is clear that there is some mental illness happening there. Try to enjoy the good that you have in your life. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm glad your marriage is working well, but please get a new therapist and maybe get more intense therapy because your focus on your family could end up, over time, undermining your marriage. What your family did was awful and you clearly feel extremely rejected, understandably so. And DCUM will tell you, "Good riddance, just cut them out." But your own mind won't let go of brooding on this, so whether you want to cut them out of your life or want to try to restore a relationship later -- you need to work on what's inside YOUR head right now not what is or was inside theirs. You can't control other people, you can only control your reactions to them, but the fact that this still looms so large for you means you don't have that control yet. And you can see that, which is a huge help in getting started.
From your posts it's clear that there is MUCH more to your family story and probably to your upbringing in a household where dad cheated, maybe mom cheated, and everyone is so very...angry. That didn't first show itself at the time of your wedding, I'm pretty sure. Please work through it with a professional ASAP and don't stop therapy when you "feel better" but keep going to ensure you develop the skills and tools in yourself to move on with your own life. Don't try to contact them right now (but also don't do anything dramatic like announce to them that you'll never contact them ever again etc.). Just go quiet, and if they contact you, be civil and respond civilly but never respond to mean or abusive contact from them. I would be too busy to see them for a long while to come. While in this mostly silent phase, get help. Double down on time with your husband and being a happy couple. Do things together, get out and make sure you are doing things with friends both with DH and on your own. Advance your friendships by getting involved in other aspects of life--volunteering (that'll give you perspective on how wedding drama is nothing next to what some people endure in life), pursuing hobbies, finding new ones....all while getting therapy with a better therapist. |
Anonymous
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In addition to all else mentioned here, try not to think of this as associated with the wedding. The wedding brought it out but if you mom was going to walk away over your dad being invited to a party, she was going to walk away.
I imagine she wouldn't be cool with dad invited to xmas (or whatever either). |
Anonymous
+1 a person like that would have found SOMETHING to justify cutting ties with you eventually. This isn't about your wedding, it's about your mother losing control over you. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm sorry your family put you through this. You don't sound crazy - these are the people who are supposed to love you and they betrayed and abused you on one of the most important days of your life.
I'm really glad they are no longer in your life, even though I can understand that it hurts you. But they sound toxic and exactly like the type of people who would maliciously and falsely call CPS on you to punish you for some imagined offense. I agree with PP that you should continue to pursue therapy - just because one therapist was not able to help you doesn't mean you can't be helped! |
Anonymous
| Did you by chance marry a prince? |
Anonymous
Hahahaha. Thank you. Im the OP and this made me laugh. I do think reading about her story and their wedding plus my anniversary happening all close together has stirred things up for me. My wedding/family is normally not at the forefront of my mind like it has been the last week or so. |
Anonymous
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‘I said I wasn’t choosing sides and everyone was invited.’
Sadly, your maturity and kindness was not accepted by your family members shackled by hate and bitterness. |