Feeling old, overwhelmed, sad, and frustrated...

[Anonymous]

Suddenly responsibility and getting a bit older are getting me down. I am pregnant with #2 (almost out of the first trimester) and my Mom has terminal cancer and lives 2 1/2 hours away (by plane). Her physician's haven't given her much time to live (9 months or so). I work full-time out of the house as does DH. Our DC is 3 and is full of energy and can be a little terror at times. Between grocery shopping, cooking, laundry (sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting it away), paying the bills, going to the pediatrician, etc. on top of working full-time with little to no family to help in the area -- I'm suddenly feeling down, tired, exhausted and I think my house looks a mess. Of course I'm worried about my Mom on top of everything else. How on earth do people do it? I realize we're in the "sandwich" years where we're taking care of our little ones and our parents begin to age/are aging. Not fun. Lately I have been going to bed at 9:30 because I'm so tired in the first trimester, and it's only a little over an hour after DC is asleep. That does NOT leave me enough time to sort, wash, dry, fold, put away. That doesn't give me time to shred my bills and file. And when I do cook and spend time trying to be Martha Steward, DC will not eat the food and I think "what a mess I've made... why do I bother". I see young 18 and 19 year olds and think - "I want to be in college again"! I've seen Moms post about keeping their house tidy and doing laundry but I can almost guarantee that these Moms don't go to bed at 9:30. Advice, commiseration anyone?

[Anonymous]

Both my parents were diagnosed with cancer when my son was four months old, so I can definitely commiserate about the sandwich generation. I'm afraid when someone in the family has a terminal, or even just plain serious illness, life feels like it stands still. It's very hard, and the sadness can creep into other parts of life that used to feel happy and carefree. I don't have much advice, other than to be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, i'm so sorry for what you are facing with your mom. but it sounds like you could use some help. can you get a maid? delegate more to your husband? not fret about laundry? or your messy house? prioritize your life and get on with it. really, martha stewart is so overrated!!!

[Anonymous]

No advice, but some commiseration. I'm 34, had our first baby this spring, my husband and I both work full time out of the house, he travels a lot for work for 1-3+ weeks at a time (though thankfully has been able to put that on hold since just before the baby was born). My house is filthy, the baby still isn't sleeping through the night at 6 months, I only see him for an hour in the morning and another hour in the evening before he's in bed for the night, I go to bed shortly after he does due to sheer exhaustion and almost a year of not getting a full night's sleep (terrible pregnancy insomnia!). The dog got her first bath this weekend since the baby was born and is acting up due to lack of attention. My BIL and SIL (husband's side, both much younger) live in town but also work full-time and that's all we've got in terms of family nearby - the next-closest are a 4-hour drive.

I spent the weekend with my mom and other family two weeks ago and I'm pretty sure my mother is losing her hearing, in the early stages of Alzheimer's or something - there's something just not right going on with her. She has no savings, lives paycheck to paycheck, has no insurance but is not yet old enough to qualify for Medicare, and we used to be her financial safety net, but having to pay for daycare has taken up most of our previously-disposable income. She won't talk about it, though, and we (her kids) cannot convince her to see a doctor.

I just don't want to be a grown up anymore.

[Anonymous]

Commisseration, definitely. I am so tired, the chores are endless, and I don't like my job. By the time I get home, I'm drooping and can't be the fun mama I want to be. And I only get a couple hours a day with my daughter. I wish I could dredge up some scrap of energy for her. Everything is a tradeoff. I need to decide if it's more important to my mental health to have a clean house, or to unwind with a favorite book. I hate having to trade off. I want there to be time for everything.

Where is your husband in all this? Mine tries, but he's even more bogged down than I am. We need to re-evaluate, and soon. We can't go on like this.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Not only are you going on an emotional rollercoaster worrying about your mother, you also are in the throes of the hormonal craziness that comes with being pregnant.

Do you watch your child while you work? Can he go to pre-school for a few hours each week?
Have you considered a housekeeper a couple times a month - if you don't want one, then just ignore the mess and put it all in a box for much, much later.
Can you take some time off from work and find someone to watch your child while you catch up on sleep and life?
Kids aren't picky eaters, so don't spend too much time making their food. I've given mine cereal, oatmeal and pancakes for dinner. Pasta is easy to make, as are pb&j. Throw in some fruit and vegetables and he should be good to go.
Re: laundry - I have heard of laundry services that you just drop it off and pick it all up, nice and clean and folded. I thought about this but haven't done much research. Otherwise, since you work at home, do what I do, re-wear some of your clothes if they aren't dirty. Same with husband and child. When it is time to do sheets and towels, wash tehm and put them back on the bed and in the bathroom when they are clean - that way, you don't have to fold them and puth them away.

Set up automatic bill paying.

Don't feel guilty about going to be early - you are pregnant and your body needs the additional rest. I would go at 8pm sometimes (even not pregnant).

Please take it easy on yourself - eat healthy, do a few minutes of exercise, even a walk around the block for some fresh air. Try and take off some time to visit your mother.
I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I definitely feel your sadness and pain.
I had a 5 month old baby, found out I was pregnant again and then a few months later - found out my father had terminal cancer and they gave him 6 months left to live.
I was very overwhelmed with a newborn, being pregnant and the stress of my father and the guilt of not being with him all the time. He lived 30 minutes away but was in a hospital the last year of his life that was 1 hour away.
That year totally SUCKED. I did not enjoy that much time with my baby, did not enjoy my pregnancy and was always feeling like I was not doing enough.
In the end - I would go see him every other day, and the days inbetween take my son to have fun. I would only spend an hour or two with him at a time bc I always had the newborn with me as I had no help at home and my mom was with my dad 24/7. I was happy she spend all her time with him rather than me to avoid any additional guilt.
I just tried to forgive myself for not being there more but I did the best I could given the circumstances. I was very happy that he made it to see my daughter born and got to see her laugh for the first time. He died shortly after she was 3 months old (3 extra months past his prognosis).
I know this situation is not ideal - but when you are on maternity leave - can you go spend time with your mother? Even a week of quality time with her will make you feel good. Take the newborn with you after you pass the safe zone to travel. Newborns sleep so much anyway and it most likely help your mothers spirits. I brought my kids all the time to see my dad even though the hospital staff cringed bc it was the only thing that made him smile - he was so depressed otherwise.
Hire help if you can afford it - even one day a week can make a world of a difference - have her do laundry!!!

Good luck and be good to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP - you have a lot on your plate and that's before your mom's illness. Being pg and having a toddler is tough (btdt very recently myself). You need to take some deep breaths, formulate a plan, triage and prioritize. Honestly, I think going to bed early so you are rested is the best thing you can do.

In no particular order:

If DH is not a full participant in household stuff he must become one and/or pay for help

Laundry must be washed, but, really, it rarely needs sorting and you can live w/o folding or putting away

Food really can be simple but a Let's Dish or something like that could help you big time now - go yourself or better yet send DH or one of your friends who has offered help --

on that note, if anyone asks how they can help - tell them, watch your toddler for a few hours while you take care of stuff, fix a meal, come help DH with yardwork or around the house chores, etc...

[Anonymous]

I am sorry but with #2 you are going to feel worse, enjoy being with just one!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My dad died of cancer a few years ago, and I just got out of the first trimester. I can't imagine dealing with both of those at once. Give yourself a break, and I agree that your husband needs to help you a lot. My husband really stepped up in the first trimester, and is still doing more than me even though I am feeling better now.

Wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

It is NOT worse with two, don't listen to that, it will just stress you out more.

OP, you are in serious need of self-care and self-love. Get out the calender, sit down with your husband and plan two things:

1) a getaway with friends (even for a day)

2) a nice long visit with your mom (just you and her)

This can be done and the time is there and now the need is there. Screw the house, it will all get done.

You need to recharge YOU and see your mom.

Time will make some things better (kids usually get easier, you will eventually have the baby and sleep again, etc), but in the meanwhile, desperate times call for desperate measures.

PLEASE talk to your DH. Let him know you are drowning right now and need a break and some mom time. He will understand and you can return the favor to him in the second trimester!

BEST of luck to you! You are not alone in this struggle!

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you are doing great with all that you have on your plate. I can't keep up with the endless chores and I have one kid, I'm not pregnant, and do not have a mom with cancer. With all of that, I think it's great you ever find time to cook or that you even care if you can keep up with the laundry. I also think you have your priorities in order and it is great you are going to be at 9:30 and getting the rest you and your baby need.

If there was ever a time to splurge for help, now is definetly the time. What would make your life the easiest? More convenience food? Laundry service? Maid service? Are any of these things within your budget? Or maybe if your DH isn't great with helping, you could give him a few more chores if you found the right ones. I found my husband would NEVER do my laundry (for fear of messing it up) in a million years but will unload the dishwasher and do grocery shopping.

And go ahead, give up those martha stewart meals. Focus on easy to cook, easy to clea up meals (or leave the mess for your DH to clean up if he is willing).

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP - my advice...go day to day. Do the best you can. same next day, same next day....one day soon you will wake up and the title to your post will be:

"Damn, I AM FABULOUS" seriously...the laundry can wait. give the love you have to give that day, do your work to put food on the table, the rest...
ahhh. it will never replace the smile you will get when you wake up one morning and think, 'this life is mine, and i love it'

[Anonymous]

Let people help you. PAy for help even if just for a short time. But also, reach out to friends. They want to help, I am sure. This is TOO MUCH and you are struggling. People who love you, esp your husband and closest friends, really need to --and want to--help you now.

Your life will not always be like this. It is an exceptionally hard time and warrants serious delegating and reaching out.


xxxx oooo

[Anonymous]

New poster here, I will say, I do think it gets harder with two. With one, if you can just get that one settled in happily eating, playing, watching a video, napping, then you can catch a breather. With more than one, there is always someone vying for your attention.

In your situation it sounds like you need a nanny instead of daycare. Would that be more (or equally) economical than paying for daycare for two?