Never invited to parties

[Anonymous]

I'm spinning off a bit on some of the other b-day party threads... DC's teachers tell me he is very social and well-liked by classmates. He's funny but not outgoing. He is a bit of an introvert so he might choose to spend some of aftercare reading a book, but if I ask counselors about it they tell me he does great socially. DC's birthday is at the end of the school year and we do a party each year, inviting whole class in K and since then a group of about 15 kids. Typically most of the kids invited come. DC is only invited to about one, sometimes two, parties a school year. I'd been telling myself that because we're in a socioeconomically diverse school there just aren't as many parties, but I do know of at least three parties this year thrown by kids who he regularly plays with and are attending his upcoming party where he was not invited. To make matters worse we've run into some parties he's been excluded from just by going out as a family to the pool, bowling, etc. on weekends. It's heartbreaking to me. DC takes it in stride, but I know he's hurt by it. I keep throwing parties and inviting kids on play dates even after he's been excluded, but frankly I'm so tired of hosting kids who in turn don't think to invite mine to their parties. I don't know how to help this situation. I get that people don't have to reciprocate, but it still sucks.

[Anonymous]

If it's pool or bowling parties, sounds like they are small. Which is difficult. As a parent, I often ask DS who he plays with at school. If their parents are doing something similar, I can see why he may not be getting invited to parties.

We always reciprocate playdates. I'm wondering if there is an issue with your DS playing with these kids. I'm an introvert and would definitely be described like your son (funny and gets along well with others). But I seriously struggle to get to know people I don't know well.

[Anonymous]

People suck, what can I say, it's as simple as that. No advice, just empathy.

Note it and then try and put it out of your mind lest you unintentionally influence DC's feelings.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in Whole Class Parties. So yes, I suppose you could run into my kid's party and your son might not have been invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's pool or bowling parties, sounds like they are small. Which is difficult. As a parent, I often ask DS who he plays with at school. If their parents are doing something similar, I can see why he may not be getting invited to parties.

We always reciprocate playdates. I'm wondering if there is an issue with your DS playing with these kids. I'm an introvert and would definitely be described like your son (funny and gets along well with others). But I seriously struggle to get to know people I don't know well.

DC does get invited on reciprocal playdates about half the time (though I'm always the first to invite). Parents usually gush about him because he's very low-key, so no behavior problems that I've ever been aware of. I can see where kids don't immediately think to invite him because he's not as outgoing or energetic as a lot of kids his age.

[Anonymous]

We don't get invited often either but are you sure they are having parties - we have only had one party for our child so people may think we aren't inviting them but we usually prefer to do a nicer gift or travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in Whole Class Parties. So yes, I suppose you could run into my kid's party and your son might not have been invited.

What do you mean you don't believe in them.? They exist. Thoughtful people throw whole classes parties all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in Whole Class Parties. So yes, I suppose you could run into my kid's party and your son might not have been invited.

What do you mean you don't believe in them.? They exist. Thoughtful people throw whole classes parties all the time.

Never! One kid must be excluded at all times. How else are they supposed to learn who the "other" is?

[Anonymous]

My DS was the only kid not invited to a birthday party in preschool, I didn't mind because the kid was a bully. But my DS still remembers that out of all the bday parties that followed. People are so rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in Whole Class Parties. So yes, I suppose you could run into my kid's party and your son might not have been invited.

What do you mean you don't believe in them.? They exist. Thoughtful people throw whole classes parties all the time.

Never! One kid must be excluded at all times. How else are they supposed to learn who the "other" is?

Let's remember it's the parents who plan parties, not kids. Let's act like mature adults.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? And how frequently is this happening? My son is in 3rd grade and two of the kids he has invited to his birthday have not reciprocated. I think probably the reason DS was not invited is that I am not especially friendly with the moms - no problems with each other, and we are polite, but not friends. But DS doesn't dwell on the situation, and so I figure I shouldn't either. We will still invite these kids to DS's next party because he likes them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? And how frequently is this happening? My son is in 3rd grade and two of the kids he has invited to his birthday have not reciprocated. I think probably the reason DS was not invited is that I am not especially friendly with the moms - no problems with each other, and we are polite, but not friends. But DS doesn't dwell on the situation, and so I figure I shouldn't either. We will still invite these kids to DS's next party because he likes them.

Or, maybe they aren't having parties.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean you don't believe in them.? They exist. Thoughtful people throw whole classes parties all the time.

What? For us, that would mean hosting a party for either 30 kids or just the 16 boys. That is way too big, I can't afford that and don't want to deal with it. Our parties are generally DS's five best friends from school (not all of whom are in his class, so out of a grade of 120, not a class of 30) and two friends from soccer who don't go to his school.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? And how frequently is this happening? My son is in 3rd grade and two of the kids he has invited to his birthday have not reciprocated. I think probably the reason DS was not invited is that I am not especially friendly with the moms - no problems with each other, and we are polite, but not friends. But DS doesn't dwell on the situation, and so I figure I shouldn't either. We will still invite these kids to DS's next party because he likes them.


Or, maybe they aren't having parties.

Eh, at least one of the two did because another mom mentioned it, but again, it really isn't important. The kids are friends, and unless that changes, we want them at DS's birthday party regardless.

[Anonymous]

I could have written OP's post almost verbatim about 9 YO DD.

As far as I can tell, the issue is that she's introverted and a bit awkward socially and therefore has trouble making "deep" connections with other kids. Easy to get along with, but doesn't form bonds easily.

We try to address this by:

* Proactively setting up activity-based play dates (going to do "x"). She does better with these than with "what do we do now?" play.

* Getting her involved in extracurriculars that she really likes--similar interests seem to help bridge the gap.

* Keeping in close contact with friends outside of school--family friends's kids, kids from prior neighborhood, etc. Gives her confidence and a feeling of security.

Not sure whether this is the "right" approach (if there is such a thing), but it seems to help her feel engaged and also get the social experience.