Never invited to parties

[Anonymous]

I could have written OP's post almost verbatim about 9 YO DD.

As far as I can tell, the issue is that she's introverted and a bit awkward socially and therefore has trouble making "deep" connections with other kids. Easy to get along with, but doesn't form bonds easily.

We try to address this by:

* Proactively setting up activity-based play dates (going to do "x"). She does better with these than with "what do we do now?" play.

* Getting her involved in extracurriculars that she really likes--similar interests seem to help bridge the gap.

* Keeping in close contact with friends outside of school--family friends's kids, kids from prior neighborhood, etc. Gives her confidence and a feeling of security.

Not sure whether this is the "right" approach (if there is such a thing), but it seems to help her feel engaged and also get the social experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in Whole Class Parties. So yes, I suppose you could run into my kid's party and your son might not have been invited.

What do you mean you don't believe in them.? They exist. Thoughtful people throw whole classes parties all the time.

You're right and I will rephrase. I do not like the idea of Whole Class Birthday Parties and so do not throw them for my kids. I think birthdays are special and thus we should invite the people we have special relationships with to celebrate with us.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is hurtful when people accept invites but don't reciprocate. However, from the timing of the party, it sounds like your son's is towards the end of the year? If so, it's possible that others have thrown smaller parties based on who their child is closest to, not realizing that your son is being excluded.

It really sucks, but it may not be intentional. I will say that when boys are young, they gravitate towards the loud, energetic, slightly obnoxious types. The quiet, sweet kids often get forgotten. It's up to the moms to be inclusive, but I find that a lot of moms are all about what's convenient for them, not how what they do might impact other children.

We have always done whole-class parties until the last year, when we hit a limit with laser tag. We were only allowed a max of 27, and if we included the whole class, some of the kids that my son is closest to but who are not in his class would have been excluded. So we went with all the boys in his class, and he was able to invite all his closest friends (another 14 kids !). We are fairly social and DS has friends from church, soccer, the neighborhood, etc. He likes to bring everyone from all these settings together on his birthday, so it gets a little challenging when it involves a venue that has hard limits, but we try to be as inclusive as possible -- and certainly with regard to his class.

Please do try to buffer your son as much as possible. Don't let him see that you're upset, because it will amplify his sense of hurt.

If you're brave enough, I would make it a point to say hello the the moms hosting the parties where your son was not invited. You don't need to say anything, except a very friendly hello. They'll get the point, and perhaps take a moment or two to think next time.

So sorry this is happening to your son.

#moms4inclusion

[Anonymous]

OP here. DC is 9. We haven't done all class parties since kindergarten so I'm not saying that's the solution. I'm only stating the number of parties I know for sure about, either because pics were posted to Facebook, we happened to be at the venue at the time (which is really embarrassing), or because a parent/child directly mentioned it to me.

[Anonymous]

Ughh, I feel your pain and I think this just happens and it gets worse as they get older because parties get smaller and more exclusive. I have always invited everyone but now the invites seem to be less and less. I have a DS that is in 3rd grade and one that is in kindergarten. My kindergartener who is sweet and likable was the only out of a close group of friends not invited to a party recently. The mom (host and friend) gave me a heads up with a list of reasons why she invited the kids that she did. It was very hurtful. I think you have to try not to take it personally. Just invite kids like you always have and hope that some reciprocate and let it go if they don't.

[Anonymous]

If you're brave enough, I would make it a point to say hello the the moms hosting the parties where your son was not invited. You don't need to say anything, except a very friendly hello. They'll get the point, and perhaps take a moment or two to think next time.

Are you serious? If someone said hello to me in a friendly manner, I would not assume they were trying to make some point about a child's birthday party. Our family caps DS's birthday party at 10 kids, two of whom are his cousins, and at least two of whom are from outside of school. I feel no guilt about that, and saying hello in a friendly way will not cause me to.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DC is 9. We haven't done all class parties since kindergarten so I'm not saying that's the solution. I'm only stating the number of parties I know for sure about, either because pics were posted to Facebook, we happened to be at the venue at the time (which is really embarrassing), or because a parent/child directly mentioned it to me.

Is your son upset about it, or just you? The reason that I ask is that we recently ran into a friend of DS's on his way to the birthday party of a friendly acquaintance of DS's. DS (also 9) had not been invited, but totally understood that he was not one of the birthday boy's closest friends, so he took it in stride.

[Anonymous]

So here are reasons we didn't "reciprocate" a party - my kid's birthday is in the fall. If we do a party that year (and that's a big if, I've only done 2 thus far) we are mostly inviting based off of last year's friends since there hasn't been much time to settle into the new class. If your kid has a later birthday, and the kids haven't been in class together before, he/she would be unlikely to be invited and we wouldn't then know that you'd be inviting my kid.

But now, my kid has easily been to 25 parties this year. Only 6 of those children were invited to her party. And of those 6, only 2 were school friends. I don't think she's gone to any where she had previously been in class with the child, gone to their party before, and then not invited them to her party. There were definitely at least 2 parties of kids she invited who didn't invite her.

For us, with a fall birthday, we tend to do venue parties and are constrained by budget/location as to how many kids can be invited. This year, the place had a 15 kid max. My kid invited 7 kids from outside activities and 7 from all 3 sections of her grade...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DC is 9. We haven't done all class parties since kindergarten so I'm not saying that's the solution. I'm only stating the number of parties I know for sure about, either because pics were posted to Facebook, we happened to be at the venue at the time (which is really embarrassing), or because a parent/child directly mentioned it to me.

Is your son upset about it, or just you? The reason that I ask is that we recently ran into a friend of DS's on his way to the birthday party of a friendly acquaintance of DS's. DS (also 9) had not been invited, but totally understood that he was not one of the birthday boy's closest friends, so he took it in stride.

Of the ones he knows about, a couple have upset him. It depends on who the birthday kid is. The latest one we ran into upset him a lot. He seems to know a lot about who is having parties when and I don't ever ask him, but there has been twice where he's tried to tell us we need to save the date and then asks me to check my email a lot, though the invite doesn't arrive. Kids do not keep this stuff secret at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So here are reasons we didn't "reciprocate" a party - my kid's birthday is in the fall. If we do a party that year (and that's a big if, I've only done 2 thus far) we are mostly inviting based off of last year's friends since there hasn't been much time to settle into the new class. If your kid has a later birthday, and the kids haven't been in class together before, he/she would be unlikely to be invited and we wouldn't then know that you'd be inviting my kid.

But now, my kid has easily been to 25 parties this year. Only 6 of those children were invited to her party. And of those 6, only 2 were school friends. I don't think she's gone to any where she had previously been in class with the child, gone to their party before, and then not invited them to her party. There were definitely at least 2 parties of kids she invited who didn't invite her.

For us, with a fall birthday, we tend to do venue parties and are constrained by budget/location as to how many kids can be invited. This year, the place had a 15 kid max. My kid invited 7 kids from outside activities and 7 from all 3 sections of her grade...

I think it is very valid that you cannot always invite everyone. I think the point here is to be mindful about the guest list. For example, don't exclude only one kid or if there are 4 close friends you invite all or none instead of 3 of the 4. I know it gets tricky if you have to keep the numbers down but some people don't even think about it.

My DS has a fall birthday as well so we usually avoid inviting school friends completely and stick to neighborhood friends. He always wants to invite his class but logistically its hard to do first week of school. Ironically we usually don't get invites from the neighborhood friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ughh, I feel your pain and I think this just happens and it gets worse as they get older because parties get smaller and more exclusive. I have always invited everyone but now the invites seem to be less and less. I have a DS that is in 3rd grade and one that is in kindergarten. My kindergartener who is sweet and likable was the only out of a close group of friends not invited to a party recently. The mom (host and friend) gave me a heads up with a list of reasons why she invited the kids that she did. It was very hurtful. I think you have to try not to take it personally. Just invite kids like you always have and hope that some reciprocate and let it go if they don't.

I'm trying to imagine that conversation. What were her reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in Whole Class Parties. So yes, I suppose you could run into my kid's party and your son might not have been invited.

What do you mean you don't believe in them.? They exist. Thoughtful people throw whole classes parties all the time.

Ha! This expression annoys me too, PP! "I don't believe in sex before marriage." "I don't believe in paying children for grades."
These are practices in which you choose not to participate, often due to a strongly-held opinion...but they are not "beliefs" that one holds or does not hold. Your "not believing" in them does not make the practice non-existent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is hurtful when people accept invites but don't reciprocate. However, from the timing of the party, it sounds like your son's is towards the end of the year? If so, it's possible that others have thrown smaller parties based on who their child is closest to, not realizing that your son is being excluded.

It really sucks, but it may not be intentional. I will say that when boys are young, they gravitate towards the loud, energetic, slightly obnoxious types. The quiet, sweet kids often get forgotten. It's up to the moms to be inclusive, but I find that a lot of moms are all about what's convenient for them, not how what they do might impact other children.

We have always done whole-class parties until the last year, when we hit a limit with laser tag. We were only allowed a max of 27, and if we included the whole class, some of the kids that my son is closest to but who are not in his class would have been excluded. So we went with all the boys in his class, and he was able to invite all his closest friends (another 14 kids !). We are fairly social and DS has friends from church, soccer, the neighborhood, etc. He likes to bring everyone from all these settings together on his birthday, so it gets a little challenging when it involves a venue that has hard limits, but we try to be as inclusive as possible -- and certainly with regard to his class.

Please do try to buffer your son as much as possible. Don't let him see that you're upset, because it will amplify his sense of hurt.

If you're brave enough, I would make it a point to say hello the the moms hosting the parties where your son was not invited. You don't need to say anything, except a very friendly hello. They'll get the point, and perhaps take a moment or two to think next time.

So sorry this is happening to your son.

#moms4inclusion

God, you sound insufferable. Especially since you're excluding the girls from your son's next party, and since you presuppose every has the resources to throw a massive party at an expensive venue. #getoveryourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't get invited often either but are you sure they are having parties - we have only had one party for our child so people may think we aren't inviting them but we usually prefer to do a nicer gift or travel.

This is us. My introverted DS likes a very small party with just our immediate family, grandparents, and then off for a special "trip" (night in a hotel somewhere fun, an amusement park, etc.) Two of my friends asked if they had missed his party or an invite, and it occurred to me they assumed we were having a big party.

[Anonymous]

Same thing happens with my 7 year old DD. So weird.