Grandma keeps comparing

[Anonymous]

My MIL keeps comparing my two kids with each other in front of their face.
My older one has a spunky personality, makes friends easily and does really well naturally in whatever she tries (school, sports, music).
My younger one (2 years younger) is much more shy, less excited to try new things, and has a tendency to get moody and wants to cling to me or her dad. She's also particular about various things (foods, clothing textures). But she also does well in various subjects, and has several very close friends. In fact, she's probably more hard-working and focused.
MIL is constantly making negative comments to younger kid, about how she is "stubborn and inflexible" and "why can't you be more like big sister?" now frequently and makes her cry. She makes these comments when my DH is not around.
Advice on what to say to her ? She clearly doesn't understand kids. I've told her comparing does do anything good and just hurts feelings and she listens but then does it again a few days later.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? How often do they see her? Do you see her often without dh? I think your husband needs to speak with her about it, and I'd cut back on visits if she doesn't stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I've told her comparing does do anything good and just hurts feelings and she listens but then does it again a few days later.

So she listens to you and understands when you bring it up, but slips back into the habit when she's not thinking about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've told her comparing does do anything good and just hurts feelings and she listens but then does it again a few days later.

So she listens to you and understands when you bring it up, but slips back into the habit when she's not thinking about it?

Yes I think so - I mean she nods and says "yes, yes, you're right..." but then it keeps happening.

She lives 3 hrs away by plane. So she comes 2-3 times a year for 2-3 weeks each time (she's retired). DH works a lot (70-80 hrs/week), and I WAH 50% of the time so I actually see her more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL keeps comparing my two kids with each other in front of their face.
My older one has a spunky personality, makes friends easily and does really well naturally in whatever she tries (school, sports, music).
My younger one (2 years younger) is much more shy, less excited to try new things, and has a tendency to get moody and wants to cling to me or her dad. She's also particular about various things (foods, clothing textures). But she also does well in various subjects, and has several very close friends. In fact, she's probably more hard-working and focused.
MIL is constantly making negative comments to younger kid, about how she is "stubborn and inflexible" and "why can't you be more like big sister?" now frequently and makes her cry. She makes these comments when my DH is not around.
Advice on what to say to her ? She clearly doesn't understand kids. I've told her comparing does do anything good and just hurts feelings and she listens but then does it again a few days later.

So, you are married to my brother? She won't stop. She did the same to us when we were kids and my (older) kids just roll their eyes now.

[Anonymous]

2-3 weeks? Yikes.

DH needs to have a chat with her right before visits *and* both of you call her out in the moment.

"Jane, that's a really unkind thing to say. Larla is wonderful in her own way."
"Wow, Jane, I can't believe you said that. I'm going to take the girls out for a little while so you can gather yourself."

Talk with your daughters beforehand too--throw Grandma under the bus a little. Give *them* permission to say something as well. "That's mean, Grandma!" etc.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her once more that she needs to stop comparing the kids in front of them, and you will not tolerate it. The next time she does it, either she leaves or you leave with the kids. Every single time. What she is doing is so incredibly hurtful, and can damage her relationship with both of your children. And if she only makes the comments when your husband isn't around, she knows damn well it's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that the kids will come to hate her.

She may not realize it as such, but her remarks to your kids are cruel. I don’t think it would be out of bounds to tell her that if it happens again, you’ll ask her to leave....and mean it. Your DH should be told about what’s going on and he should back you up.

[Anonymous]

Don’t allow the children to see her.

[Anonymous]

I have a mother who cannot stop herself from reverting to her pet nags after a while, even though she has been told she mustn't say them. It's mainly due to untreated anxiety and having nothing else to focus on.

Examples: she told DD that she was fat and needed to go on a diet when she was about 3. She thinks all normal weight people are fat, and that the only normal person in the family is my son, who is underweight and on a weight-gain plan. She thinks my DD's hair is too long and despite constant reminders that we don't want to talk about it, keep telling us we should cut it short. And on and on...

Here are two things that have worked:

1. Limiting the frequency and length of visits. She's on her best behavior when she first sees us, then after a few days it goes south. So do whatever it takes to make these visits shorter. Tell the truth if you need to!

2. Warn your kids. We had to do that for 3 yo DD, who listened wide-eyed as Grandma was telling her not to eat so much. This takes a toll on their relationship, but it's better than the alternative. My kids are now 8 and 13, and it's basically water off a duck's back when Grandma comes out with another blooper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her once more that she needs to stop comparing the kids in front of them, and you will not tolerate it. The next time she does it, either she leaves or you leave with the kids. Every single time. What she is doing is so incredibly hurtful, and can damage her relationship with both of your children. And if she only makes the comments when your husband isn't around, she knows damn well it's wrong.

This. You should have stopped her immediately with “I strongly disagree, Madge. Kate does not need to change. Bruce and I are proud of her exactly how she is.” Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her once more that she needs to stop comparing the kids in front of them, and you will not tolerate it. The next time she does it, either she leaves or you leave with the kids. Every single time. What she is doing is so incredibly hurtful, and can damage her relationship with both of your children. And if she only makes the comments when your husband isn't around, she knows damn well it's wrong.

This. You should have stopped her immediately with “I strongly disagree, Madge. Kate does not need to change. Bruce and I are proud of her exactly how she is.” Then change the subject.

I agree w/ the pps. I would sit down with her, you AND your husband, and make it very clear that she must stop or you will restrict contact. I would also give her a list of the wonderful attributes of your younger child - and maybe provide opportunities for her to see those perhaps less visible but equally important traits. And I would insert myself into any conversation in which I hear these kinds of comments and say - in front of the kids - "Madge, don't talk about Rachel that way. She and Annie are two different people with different but equally wonderful qualities. For instance, Rachel is particularly good at X, and also at Y. I don't let anyone talk about my girls in ways that make them feel badly."

I would make damn sure my husband was equally strong in this with me.

Totally unacceptable in my book. I would become a pretty fierce protector pretty quickly (perhaps too strongly but so be it.)

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

My FIL once said, comparing my daughter to her younger cousin "Well, we all know Jane isn't athletic like John, good thing you had a boy too so you have a chance for one with skills."

I rounded on him so fast his head spun. First of all, the kids were 6 and 5 at the time, what does athletic even mean in that context? Secondly, it's patently false. And thirdly, the context in which he said it was just so dripping with sexism, there's no way I would stand for it. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever said such a thing again, he was no longer welcome in our house and if he ever said anything remotely like that in front of my daughter he would no longer have a relationship with her.

So in short, you or your H need to lay down the law to MIL and if she can't abide by it on the next visit, there won't be any future visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL once said, comparing my daughter to her younger cousin "Well, we all know Jane isn't athletic like John, good thing you had a boy too so you have a chance for one with skills."

I rounded on him so fast his head spun. First of all, the kids were 6 and 5 at the time, what does athletic even mean in that context? Secondly, it's patently false. And thirdly, the context in which he said it was just so dripping with sexism, there's no way I would stand for it. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever said such a thing again, he was no longer welcome in our house and if he ever said anything remotely like that in front of my daughter he would no longer have a relationship with her.

So in short, you or your H need to lay down the law to MIL and if she can't abide by it on the next visit, there won't be any future visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've told her comparing does do anything good and just hurts feelings and she listens but then does it again a few days later.

So she listens to you and understands when you bring it up, but slips back into the habit when she's not thinking about it?

Yes I think so - I mean she nods and says "yes, yes, you're right..." but then it keeps happening.

She lives 3 hrs away by plane. So she comes 2-3 times a year for 2-3 weeks each time (she's retired). DH works a lot (70-80 hrs/week), and I WAH 50% of the time so I actually see her more.

Tell if if she doesn't stop her future visits will be much shorter or non-existent and make sure your husband backs you up. You and you're kids don't need this crap. My mother use to compare our kids obnoxiously (but not to their faces) until my DH firmly said stop. He has a way of looking at you and quietly saying something that can freeze the blood in your veins.