unsure of lingering SNs in 3 year old

[Anonymous]

My DD had or has hypotonia and was in twice-weekly PT up until she turned 3. It was painful,’frustrating, and on some level I know I am not over how hard it was from start to finish - took a long time for assessmemts and diagnosis, our phys therapists weren’t great. But she walks, talks, and is in preschool FT now, though I am at home.

She just isn’t as with-it as ANY of the other kids and its very frustrating and painful. She has a birthday that places her as the youngest and because we are going to be in publics, she always will be. She is the only child in her 3s who is totally not potty trained. She resists it so I have tabled it. She is extremely sensitive, whiny, and gives up on new things instantly - this was true with PT and dealing with her and the consequent attitude of her therapists was so hard. She is, at 3.5, obsessed with mirrors and herself. With baby pictures of herself. With reflextive surfaces: we pass stores on the walk to preschool and she turns and watches herself as I push her. She has plenty of words but seems inarticulate and reverts to baby talk, to where I, my husband, and even other loved ones get visibly frustrated.

Everyone but me thinks its being 3. No more. And that all kids grow in their own way. But I live in a high-achievement enclave with uber babies and toddlers and K and unders who are so smart and advanced and mine isnt. Is that what’s going on? Am I imagining problems because I see extremely coordinated, socially aware, super smart kids and mine isnt? No one suggests an evaluation and my DH is livid at any suggestion of it - I had to deal with the PT all alone.

I feel like my DD and I are in a lonely place. We are possibly really not in a SN space, but we don’t keep pace at all in the fast-paced, accelerated achievement world that is the new normal, at all.

[Anonymous]

Go see a developmental pediatrician. Maybe she's just fine, but trust your gut and get her checked out by someone who will look at all of her, not just specific systems. Unfortunately, I don't have one to recommend, as ours isn't taking new patients.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a very young three, and not to be compared so much with her peers. I get that is hard, and it must be hard to be in a limbo space between special needs and "normal." But the gift of time is your friend. Don't be lonely.

[Anonymous]

My husband will make my life miserable if I do. I know others have BTDT so please be nice but we have a significant disconnect in how we view her behavior. It’s not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a very young three, and not to be compared so much with her peers. I get that is hard, and it must be hard to be in a limbo space between special needs and "normal." But the gift of time is your friend. Don't be lonely.

She’s 3.5 and so babyish. It is so hard to interact and witness with the other kids and see what she can't do. It’s a heartbreak at every pickup and drop off. But her teachers don’t think she needs an eval so I don’t know what to think or do.

[Anonymous]

OP, she may be an average kid in a sea of above average ones. I have a kid like that: started out with definable deficits but now at age 10 is just mostly "low average" across the board. The rest of our family, and his brother, and our community, are "above average", so acknowledging his difference to myself has been important in decision making.

I put him in a small private school that does have very high achieving children, but it also supports kids with LD/ADHD (which my son does not have but he has access to some one-on-one teaching there). This was a better fit than our local public school where the kids are mostly incredibly smart, the special needs services are good, but if you are low average you just get lost. I pay out of pocket for handwriting and social skills help, he does a private "summer school program", and he does individual lessons (swimming, tennis) rather than group sports because he is also not very coordinated. I'm not sure if he will go to college so I have my eye out for vocational programs that one day might be a good fit, and in our family we are thoughtful how we speak about "achievement" (effort matters more than results; being a kind person matters more than anything). He is very sweet and the light of my life. I am planning on another full eval soon but don't expect it to reveal anything earth shattering. He is just a 90 IQ kid in a 130 IQ community.

I am not sure what to tell you about your husband. My DH has completely checked out on decision making because "it makes him feel too sad." Must be nice to relieve oneself of that responsibility, but whatever. If he didn't let me do what I thought I needed to do for DS, I would divorce him. But if her teachers are not concerned I wouldn't stress too much about doing an eval now.

[Anonymous]

11:25, you have given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You need a full eval. She sounds like there might be speech or cognitive delays. Do one now.

[Anonymous]

Your DD might just be a young three, but she sounds a lot like my now 8 year old. Trust your gut and see a dec ped. It sounds like, it potty training still is an issue, she may not be ready and it’s probably related to the motor delay. Also look at getting her child find services. Those allowed my DD (who, it turns out, has motor planning issues and ADHD) to enter kindergarten with an IEP in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a full eval. She sounds like there might be speech or cognitive delays. Do one now.

I hope I dont set anything off, and I am fully acknowledging I am sensitive but according to her peds and school no, there are no such delays. Literally yesterday,’her teacher told me at pickup that when DD was baby talking and the teacher said I cant understand you, DD said verbatim, I have to use my words because you don’t understand (insert babble). I am still worried and my OP stands but this is the outside feedback I am getting for the limited amount it is worth.

[Anonymous]

You say that she will always be the youngest in her grade. This seems like a good reason to hold her back a year and have her mature a little. If there is a diagnosis it will let you set up resources. Don’t set her up for failure in K.

[Anonymous]

We are literally not allowed to do that in NYC piblics. We cannotnyet afford private. I know I sound impossible bit I do feel like we’re in a bind as long as we are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are literally not allowed to do that in NYC piblics. We cannotnyet afford private. I know I sound impossible bit I do feel like we’re in a bind as long as we are here.

You really are just throwing up obstacles. I’m sorry, op, but 3 is hard for this. Teachers will tell you it’s fine and they’re young. If you think something is very off you need to trust your gut and get an eval. Or don’t, but don’t ask and then act like that’s such a crazy difficult idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband will make my life miserable if I do. I know others have BTDT so please be nice but we have a significant disconnect in how we view her behavior. It’s not easy.

Then rethink your marriage.

Trust your gut and make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. Generally there will be a waitlist, so if the issues you see resolve by the time the appointment rolls around, then you can cancel it without input from your husband.

realistically if your sensitive 3 year old who is resisting potty training and has certain fixated interests has these same issues at 4 or 5 then where will you be? Your DH may be in denial but one of you need to be brave enough to take some action. Right now, it's a tiny, baby step--make an appointment. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Redshirting is prohibited by law in Ny?