DH Wants to Incur Educational Debt and We're Almost 40

[Anonymous]

I have been married to my DH for over ten years, and we have a DS in elementary. DH is unhappy with this job, and he would like to pursue a second bachelor's degree which he thinks would help him change. He had a coworker who recently did this which I think has spurred this. I already supported him several years ago when he pursued a graduate certificate for similar purposes. Both DH and I work full time and earn similar incomes.

His plan to pay for this is to incur educational debt. I strongly feel that since we are approaching 40 our focus should be on paying off our house, saving for retirement, and our son's education. I have told DH I would support any reasonable plan for him to gain whatever credentials he feels he needs, but I will not approve a plan that relies on educational debt.

I think a lot of this has to do with approaching midlife and feeling he needs to shake things up career-wise. How do I get him to see there are other more affordable options? It has become a recurring issue, and I am not sure how to resolve this. I believe his own family is worn out with his career issues. He bounced around jobs a lot when DS was little and he experienced a period of unemployment. I am pretty sure then that no one wants to hear more about his career ambitions, so I stuck dealing with this alone.

Thanks for any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Would he also have to quit his job to go back to school? What is the degree and career change that he wants?

I'd say I support him, if he figures out a way to pay for it without incurring any debt and without affecting the family budget. If he's serious, he'll figure out a way. If not, it'll fizzle out on its own.

[Anonymous]

Have him do it at night. Not many BAs will pay off at this age. What does he want to study?

[Anonymous]

You need to look at numbers, here, OP, not take a stand on principle.

How much money out vs how much money in, and how much retirement and college savings.

My husband refuses to treat his ADHD and has been let go from multiple jobs and has had multiple periods of unemployment. Perhaps your husband has ADHD too. It's very common, and leads to all sorts of issues like these. Going back to school could be a form of escapism when he feels he can't cut it in his real job. If his issues stem from ADHD, meds can definitely help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married to my DH for over ten years, and we have a DS in elementary. DH is unhappy with this job, and he would like to pursue a second bachelor's degree which he thinks would help him change. He had a coworker who recently did this which I think has spurred this. I already supported him several years ago when he pursued a graduate certificate for similar purposes. Both DH and I work full time and earn similar incomes.

His plan to pay for this is to incur educational debt. I strongly feel that since we are approaching 40 our focus should be on paying off our house, saving for retirement, and our son's education. I have told DH I would support any reasonable plan for him to gain whatever credentials he feels he needs, but I will not approve a plan that relies on educational debt.

I think a lot of this has to do with approaching midlife and feeling he needs to shake things up career-wise. How do I get him to see there are other more affordable options? It has become a recurring issue, and I am not sure how to resolve this. I believe his own family is worn out with his career issues. He bounced around jobs a lot when DS was little and he experienced a period of unemployment. I am pretty sure then that no one wants to hear more about his career ambitions, so I stuck dealing with this alone.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Why a second bachelor's degree? My opinion depends on what his current career is and what he's planning on switching to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married to my DH for over ten years, and we have a DS in elementary. DH is unhappy with this job, and he would like to pursue a second bachelor's degree which he thinks would help him change. He had a coworker who recently did this which I think has spurred this. I already supported him several years ago when he pursued a graduate certificate for similar purposes. Both DH and I work full time and earn similar incomes.

His plan to pay for this is to incur educational debt. I strongly feel that since we are approaching 40 our focus should be on paying off our house, saving for retirement, and our son's education. I have told DH I would support any reasonable plan for him to gain whatever credentials he feels he needs, but I will not approve a plan that relies on educational debt.

I think a lot of this has to do with approaching midlife and feeling he needs to shake things up career-wise. How do I get him to see there are other more affordable options? It has become a recurring issue, and I am not sure how to resolve this. I believe his own family is worn out with his career issues. He bounced around jobs a lot when DS was little and he experienced a period of unemployment. I am pretty sure then that no one wants to hear more about his career ambitions, so I stuck dealing with this alone.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Your plan won't work if he dies young from stress working in a job he hates.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. DH works in IT and he wants to study programming. It would be a night, and I am supportive as long as it does not involve debt. I think you are right that I need to look at cost vs benefit but DH has not given me any specifics on this when asked.

Also, frankly I am drained emotionally from this, and I feel it is largely escapism on his part. He also always brings this up at the most inopportune times. Now it is Mother's Day. The last time we had this discussion he persisted with it over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Who need a bachelors degree to learn programming??? Programming is something to like to figure out and learn on your own once you have an IT background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. DH works in IT and he wants to study programming. It would be a night, and I am supportive as long as it does not involve debt. I think you are right that I need to look at cost vs benefit but DH has not given me any specifics on this when asked.

Also, frankly I am drained emotionally from this, and I feel it is largely escapism on his part. He also always brings this up at the most inopportune times. Now it is Mother's Day. The last time we had this discussion he persisted with it over the holidays.

Part of the equation is:

- will he gain a network by going back to school?
- if he is already in IT and wants to do programming, shouldn't he be going for a masters?
- will it make him more marketable? It's not just about a salary bump if he goes, but will it keep him employed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. DH works in IT and he wants to study programming. It would be a night, and I am supportive as long as it does not involve debt. I think you are right that I need to look at cost vs benefit but DH has not given me any specifics on this when asked.

Also, frankly I am drained emotionally from this, and I feel it is largely escapism on his part. He also always brings this up at the most inopportune times. Now it is Mother's Day. The last time we had this discussion he persisted with it over the holidays.

I think it's a fairly common thing for a person working in IT to try to become a programmer. I would actually encourage him to explore the options offered by local community colleges for stuff like this. If it is a lack of skills that prevents him from advancing in his career, that is something that can often be developed without paying for a full time 4-year degree in the subject.

For example, at Montgomery College, there are course sequences that can give him the skills he needs without the lengthy programs. They are sometimes available in week-long boot camp style programs. http://cms.montgomerycollege.edu/iti/index.html

It might be escapism on his part. My best friend's husband is in IT and he definitely has this issue sometimes. But if he is going to spend thousands of the family's dollars on this program, he needs to have a concrete plan. I think that presenting him with an option like this would indicate that you're not totally opposed to the idea but want to figure out a way that everyone's needs get met.

[Anonymous]

Depends. We are incurring education costs (not debt) with dh pursuing a phd (in addition to his ft work). Because he loves being a student, writes and publishes anyway and it'll open up doors for him to transition to a different career ladder (which will not necessarily pay more but be much more intellectually rewarding). I'm supportive of this because it's important for dh to be intellectually stimulated and have credentials to shift to other types of work where he will succeed. He's nearly 40 as well. We make enough it's not a huge impact (maybe one less European vacation for a couple years and putting off some home remodeling).

[Anonymous]

I am drained emotionally from this

What are you going to do when you get real problems in life if this small conflict “emotionally drains” you?

[Anonymous]

Hey honey.

[Anonymous]

If he wants to learn programming there are other things he can do besides obtaining a second bachelors- honestly that is a red flag to me that he would even suggest that without doing any research , because if he'd done even the slightest research he would know that's not a good plan.
You may have to do some research and present him with your findings- it's not exactly fair, but he can't figure this out on his own and you need to get him on board with something that won't put you in debt but will still make him feel like he's doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey honey.

Busted!!