Friendship between Aspergers/non-Aspergers kids

[Anonymous]

Reposting with fewer identifying details. (Thank you to Jeff, and also to the people who pointed the issue out to me. It seemed highly unlikely to me that anyone would connect the dots, but the criticism was valid and I appreciate it. I should have thought it through more carefully instead of just puking out words in what I assumed was relatively anonymous forum.)

My child has a long friendship (since preschool) with another child who shows many signs of Aspergers/HFA. Characteristics: Intense focus on very few topics. Play involves a lot of repetion of the same scenarios/storylines. Not much back-and-forth in conversation. Social isolation. Awkward attempts to join groups. Very poor motor skills -- walks and moves sort of jerkily. EXCEPTIONALLY intelligent and highly verbal, but speech/prosody/conversation skills are unusual. I feel pretty sure that my observation about the child is correct.

I'm trying to help my typically developing child navigate this relationship, which is very difficult for her at times. They are classmates in a small school.

My question is directed to parents of HFA/Aspergers kids. How can typically developing kids engage with kids on the spectrum? I try to coach my child on finding common topics of interest and drawing her friend out. I've also urged her to do simple things like walk into school beside her friend instead of speeding off and leaving her in the dust. I know my child is conflicted about this friendship. On the one hand, she has happy memories of a long friendship. On the other hand, it is REALLY hard to find common ground because her friend steers conversations toward her narrow interests and has a lot of difficulty joining in games.

Any tips on how to help kids cherish their friendships even as they change? (And especially in the awkward tween years.)


Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They are in late elementary school.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate what you are trying to do, OP. But at some point, usually late elementary, children choose their own friends.

I would follow your daughter’s lead, but insist that she remain kind and warm to the other child. Keep carpooling if that works for both families and do NOT allow her to be rude or mean.

There is no way for you to know if the other home has a diagnosis or not, and it really doesn’t make a difference. As a SN parent I don’t want anyone to be a friend with my kid out of pity, but because they enjoy each other’s company and care about each other. That may no longer be the case with your daughter and this girl.

However, everyone deserves respect and kindness, even those with whom you don’t share a history.

[Anonymous]

My son doesn't have Asperger's (anxiety and ADHD) but he has some of the qualities you mention. He is 13 and has about 4 very close friendships (people who would call him a best friend), some of which have lasted since preschool.
The reasons these friendships worked, in my view, is that these kids were all socially confident and very friendly, so they sort of filled in the conversation gaps that he left. What I mean to say is they might converse about superheroes when they wanted to but then basically force him to change the subject when they didn't... and they were friendly/happy/fun enough to ignore that he might take a little bit to go along with him and adapt. They were also emotionally easy going kids who could go with the flow when my son was younger and didn't always.

I don't mean that they gave in to him, but rather that they didn't react much to his over-reactions and always re-accepted him easily if he took a break or got overly intense about something.

I never wanted other kids to work hard or come up with topics--it was much better that my son, who is super creative and often a leader in games, learn to adapt and interpret when other kids were excited about his ideas or not interested in what he had to say. Besides being generally an idea guy and fully of energy, my son is also extremely loyal so he has always brought a lot to the table, as well.

What I am trying to say is that I think you should encourage patience and flexibility in your daughter but not make her do all the work. Otherwise, it won't be a truly reciprocal friendship, which I assume is everybody's goal.

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate your efforts, OP.

My similar child does best with structured games where she knows the rules; board games work really well, as do activities like making slime or origami where she knows what's expected. Also, playing in small groups or 1 on 1, rather than large groups.

Just having a buddy when a teacher tells the class to pair up means the world to my kid.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. To 06:21, I hear what you are saying loud and clear about how kids at the age choose their own friendships. My daughter actually has chosen her own circle of friends and is very happy with them. Because we were driving to school together every day, trying to find small ways to be kind to one another has been the challenge. The other child has also expressed a desire to do more things together. My daughter is quite polite and kind and I’m just trying to give her the tools to continue to be that way and to be as inclusive as possible with somebody who has been important in her life.

[Anonymous]

I don't interfere with my tween, 10 yo, son's friendships because at this point he find my presence "cringy" but I appreciate that you want to help. I honestly don't think there is much you can do at this age other than modeling being kind and acceptance of differences.

. DS has ASD/ADHD and he has friendships through common interests mostly video games and discussions about shoes, electronics, cars and sports with his NT peers. DS is popular and has friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, life changes, which is going to be harder for the other child to accept s. For your daughter. Unfortunate.y, that’s part of her condition.

Being kind and being friends are different things. Sooner or later, your daughter will be an adult in a car pool with a gum smacker or something. She won’t have to be friends with him, but she will have to be kind.

Sure, she’s sad to see her friendship changing, but these are also the growing pains of life. You can Talk to her about how things change. You can talk to her about friendship and being loyal, even with reduced time, even if things change. You can talk to her about being kind to others, and imagining if her friend one “leaving” her. But you can’t force her to be friends with this girl.

And as PP already said, model those behaviours.

I have a friend on the spectrum. He’s a wonderful person, but a challenge to maintain a relationship with. That being said, we’ve been friends for close to 20 years. I’m actually shocked at the number of adults who would tell their children to be kind to another child “like him”, but with how much lack of understanding and cruelty he is often met with. He also has a lot of people who care for him deeply, even if he doesn’t always understand it.

[Anonymous]

You are doing great, OP.

My child, who has a lot of characteristics of ADHD but did not meet the diagnostic criteria, is friends with a child with Asperger's and it has been great for both of them. My DS is kind of all over the place which really challenges his friend to keep up with him. DS is constantly running late, talking a mile a minute and talking about a diverse range of topics which has helped with his friend's flexibility and rigidity.

The child with Asperger's is very organized and likes to plan things in advance. He uses a lot of visual schedules and my child sees him as a role model in this regard. He has also come to appreciate his friend's intense interests and has learned a lot as a result. The two are close enough that if the friend talks too much about those interests, which are not at all DS's interests, DS will call him on it.

I have to admit that I really encouraged DS to be friendly with this child in the beginning about three years ago because I saw the other child struggling. But once DS gave him a chance he saw how cool his friend is and he feels really lucky to have him as a friend.

[Anonymous]

PP again. The children are in MS, but their friendship began in elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't interfere with my tween, 10 yo, son's friendships because at this point he find my presence "cringy" but I appreciate that you want to help. I honestly don't think there is much you can do at this age other than modeling being kind and acceptance of differences.

. DS has ASD/ADHD and he has friendships through common interests mostly video games and discussions about shoes, electronics, cars and sports with his NT peers. DS is popular and has friends.

I wanted to add to my post above. Pity friendships are not needed.

DS is popular meaning other kids consider him a "cool" kid and WANT to be friends with him. DS not so much, he is imore particular about his favored people not that he is unkind but he really does not care that much people in general but admittedly likes being the center of attention. So DH and I scratch our heads over his popularity: Whenever we go to his activities, there are always kids coming up to him. DH thinks it is because DS is very good looking but I don't know.

[Anonymous]

DS has such a friend who visits family nearby and his relationship with his friend has definitely changed over the years. They have been friends since the beginning of school. The friend is 2-3 years older than DS.

As they hit the teen years, it has been more difficult in that DS has fun seeing him and hanging out but in more limited amounts of time because DS gets impatient with the repetition of activities and discussions and so on whereas when they were younger, it didn't seem to bother him as much. Nevertheless they remain friends and DS has a real soft spot for him even though he seems to want to spend shorter amounts of time with him. I'm sure they will keep in touch as adults.

It would have been more challenging for DS if they were in class together so that aspect actually was an advantage.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you so much for the many helpful thoughts and feedback.

I do want to stress, I'm not advocating a "pity friendship," nor am I trying to engineer my child's social life. I can see how hard it would be to be on the receiving end of that. I'm really talking about how to gently guide my child through what may very well be either a rough patch in or the final stages of a friendship that has been very important to her. I'm trying to understand what the other child wants and needs because I know there's a lot I don't know about HFA/Aspergers kids. The mother told me the other day that her daughter has expressed sadness about the friendship withering, and my daughter has too. I know friendships change, and this one definitely has, but it hasn't quite fallen off the cliff yet. They sat together at lunch this week with a mutual friend, which was a good thing IMHO.

I've heard some very helpful ideas here, including the idea that more structured activities (playing a game with rules) could be fun. Also, some nice reassurance that they will figure it out. Also, a reminder that the diagnosis is none of my business and that kindness and respect are what counts. I am grateful for all this feedback!

Like any parent, I sometimes just wish I could turn back time and have them play nicely together again, without the frustration and bewilderment that my child increasingly experiences. I know that's both natural and impossible.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs about not forcing anything. If I could tell her anything though, it would be that she needs to be kind but very plain spoken to the other child. The other child will miss many social cues and, as a result, do things that may be considered rude. This can often be avoided if the NT person speaks plainly instead of dropping hints, expecting the ASD person to pick them up. And the other thing is that sometimes someone with ASD will over-react to things that don't seem like a big deal. It's because they have a hard time moving past the initial emotion to reframe the situation. In cases like that, just being understanding at letting them express their emotion is often enough to help them move past it (obviously there should be limits to HOW someone expresses their emotion, but I think you get what I'm saying).

On the plus side, people with ASD tend to be straightforward to a fault. They're not going to play middle school manipulation games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PPs about not forcing anything. If I could tell her anything though, it would be that she needs to be kind but very plain spoken to the other child. The other child will miss many social cues and, as a result, do things that may be considered rude. This can often be avoided if the NT person speaks plainly instead of dropping hints, expecting the ASD person to pick them up. And the other thing is that sometimes someone with ASD will over-react to things that don't seem like a big deal. It's because they have a hard time moving past the initial emotion to reframe the situation. In cases like that, just being understanding at letting them express their emotion is often enough to help them move past it (obviously there should be limits to HOW someone expresses their emotion, but I think you get what I'm saying).

On the plus side, people with ASD tend to be straightforward to a fault. They're not going to play middle school manipulation games.

And I wanted to add, that in my experience plain speaking such as "forcibly" redirecting a conversation that would come across as rude to a NT person is likely to be well received by someone with ASD. Not rudeness, of course, just really saying what you mean. If they are only talking about Minecraft, it's perfectly fine to just say, "I'd rather talk about something else now. What do you think about X?"