Needy parents - far happier with space

[Anonymous]

I've been implementing a 'say yes only if I'm happy' 2018 policy and so far its been fabulous and so much more successful than 2017. But my parents are so demanding - if I don't see them 6+ times a year they throw fits. Every holiday is a 'you're getting a plane ticket right or should we get you one?' negotiation. When all I want is my space.

- New Years (January)
- 'Family' vacation in February/March
- Mother's Day (May)
- July 4th
- Birthdays (late August)
- Thanksgiving (November)
- Christmas (December)

It never ends. I could be mid-vacation with them and they're ALREADY trying to plan the next time I come back 'home'. But their home is not mine (alone) anymore. It's just tiresome. But I love them and I don't want to offend them by 'rejecting' them.

How did you draw the line in the sand? Do you really commit to flying/driving to see your parents so many times a year?

[Anonymous]

How old ae you? How old are they? Do you have siblings and what's the distance between you and them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old ae you? How old are they? Do you have siblings and what's the distance between you and them?

I'm an adult with a house, they're retired, I have two siblings (who live within 5 miles of my parents) while I live 800+ miles away.

[Anonymous]

Is your mouth incapable of saying "no"?

Look them straight in the eye, and say: "I need more space, Mom. I'm going to visit less often in the future." They'll throw a fit, cut you out of the will, complain about you to anyone who will listen, and what will you do? Smile and be nice and stick to your plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mouth incapable of saying "no"?

Look them straight in the eye, and say: "I need more space, Mom. I'm going to visit less often in the future." They'll throw a fit, cut you out of the will, complain about you to anyone who will listen, and what will you do? Smile and be nice and stick to your plan.

This is...the issue. I'd prefer to be cut out of the will for something that is actually reasonable - like being a drug addict or in prison for murder. Getting ditched for hurting my parents feelings when I've done everything else 'right' is not fair.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to offend them by 'rejecting' them

Op, I suggest it's kinder to let them know -for sure- when you are coming, so they can count on it and look forward to it. And then you stick to it. It's a commitment. Don't entertain speculation about maybe you'll come... or don't know ... or other wishy-washy talk. Decide. You decide. When do you want to go? How many visits? Get out a yearly calendar and make (some) firm decisions. It's called having an adult relationship with other adults. You should expect that your decisions are treated with respect. Emotional manipulation is not acceptable. It's not loving. You have the power. You have power over your schedule. You just have to stand-up for yourself as all adults should.

[Anonymous]

"We aren't going to be able to make it for New Years but we are really looking forward to seeing you for vacation in February"

"We can't get much time away in July, so why don't you fly up here for a few days and that way we can see you before we come down for the birthday visits in August.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mouth incapable of saying "no"?

Look them straight in the eye, and say: "I need more space, Mom. I'm going to visit less often in the future." They'll throw a fit, cut you out of the will, complain about you to anyone who will listen, and what will you do? Smile and be nice and stick to your plan.

This is...the issue. I'd prefer to be cut out of the will for something that is actually reasonable - like being a drug addict or in prison for murder. Getting ditched for hurting my parents feelings when I've done everything else 'right' is not fair.

Yes, I knew the issue was going to center around something like that. You want your cake and eat it too. Realize that you have to make sacrifices in life. Pick the least worst: is it visiting when you don't want to, or taking a stand and being punished?

I took a stand early on, because my mother is crazy enough that I couldn't bear it any more. She came around, and still tries stuff, but I smile and say that it won't work for me.

[Anonymous]

I cannot stand adults who have no damn SPINE. Just. Say. No. You are an adult with a family; they are not entitled to all of your free time. Say no and don't debate it. If they write you out of the will so be it. Live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand adults who have no damn SPINE. Just. Say. No. You are an adult with a family; they are not entitled to all of your free time. Say no and don't debate it. If they write you out of the will so be it. Live your life.

OP here - comments like this actually help. DCUM is the reason why my 2018 has been better because people have given me no-holds barred 'advice' on re-negotiating the parent/child relationship as the person who is no longer a child or beholden to the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mouth incapable of saying "no"?

Look them straight in the eye, and say: "I need more space, Mom. I'm going to visit less often in the future." They'll throw a fit, cut you out of the will, complain about you to anyone who will listen, and what will you do? Smile and be nice and stick to your plan.

This is...the issue. I'd prefer to be cut out of the will for something that is actually reasonable - like being a drug addict or in prison for murder. Getting ditched for hurting my parents feelings when I've done everything else 'right' is not fair.

Newsflash: life isn’t fair. Live your life.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to say you need space. Just say it's a lot of travel, you're busy, and hard on your family. Do they expect the kids to come too?

[Anonymous]

If you want the cash, you’d better suck it up, buttercup!

[Anonymous]

My mother in law is similar. DH and I went to a couple therapy visits (paid for by my EAP at work) to help learn to set healthy boundaries. It was validating for a neutral 3rd party to tell me I wasn't wrong.

[Anonymous]

If you want mommy and daddy's money, you better jump when they say jump.