Needy parents - far happier with space

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want mommy and daddy's money, you better jump when they say jump.

OP here - I don't ask for their money, don't need it. Not being struck out of the will is simply good planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want mommy and daddy's money, you better jump when they say jump.

OP here - I don't ask for their money, don't need it. Not being struck out of the will is simply good planning.

How did this get to be about being in a will? Have they conditioned an inheritance on visits? Have you been doing these visits as "good financial planning"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mouth incapable of saying "no"?

Look them straight in the eye, and say: "I need more space, Mom. I'm going to visit less often in the future." They'll throw a fit, cut you out of the will, complain about you to anyone who will listen, and what will you do? Smile and be nice and stick to your plan.

This is...the issue. I'd prefer to be cut out of the will for something that is actually reasonable - like being a drug addict or in prison for murder. Getting ditched for hurting my parents feelings when I've done everything else 'right' is not fair.

Then it is for ou to decide...

A)the inheritance, which means you are paying for it now, or

B) a more mature relationship.

That said, I think the PPs words are needlessly harsh. I would just blame it on work, visit when you can, and be meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids or a husband? These things will naturally die down as you get older and you have your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is your mouth incapable of saying "no"?

Look them straight in the eye, and say: "I need more space, Mom. I'm going to visit less often in the future." They'll throw a fit, cut you out of the will, complain about you to anyone who will listen, and what will you do? Smile and be nice and stick to your plan.

This is...the issue. I'd prefer to be cut out of the will for something that is actually reasonable - like being a drug addict or in prison for murder. Getting ditched for hurting my parents feelings when I've done everything else 'right' is not fair.

Yes, I knew the issue was going to center around something like that. You want your cake and eat it too. Realize that you have to make sacrifices in life. Pick the least worst: is it visiting when you don't want to, or taking a stand and being punished?

I took a stand early on, because my mother is crazy enough that I couldn't bear it any more. She came around, and still tries stuff, but I smile and say that it won't work for me.

The bold is your choice.

But seriously, Mother's day, July 4th and August birthdays? Say you can make one of those gatherings and go from there. That cuts three silly visits down to just one already.

[Anonymous]

If you are single then 3-4 visits a year is reasonable. If you have children then 2 visits is reasonable with them visiting you once or twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to offend them by 'rejecting' them

Op, I suggest it's kinder to let them know -for sure- when you are coming, so they can count on it and look forward to it. And then you stick to it. It's a commitment. Don't entertain speculation about maybe you'll come... or don't know ... or other wishy-washy talk. Decide. You decide. When do you want to go? How many visits? Get out a yearly calendar and make (some) firm decisions. It's called having an adult relationship with other adults. You should expect that your decisions are treated with respect. Emotional manipulation is not acceptable. It's not loving. You have the power. You have power over your schedule. You just have to stand-up for yourself as all adults should.

This. Make plans to see them, and then when they talk about the next time you'll visit, you just remind them that you're coming in June or whatever. And don't be wishy-washy. You'll visit for X holiday and Y vacation and Z birthday, and that's it. And you let them complain that it's not enough, and you just say, "It's what I can do."

[Anonymous]

I haven't visited my parents in 2 years. I told them if they want to see us, then they can come visit. Between twin babies and both of us working full time, I am not going to bend over backwards. They're retired, they travel all over. (Right now, they're RVing around Idaho)

And guess what? They do visit. They want to see they're grandchildren. They're sane enough to realize that right now, it is vastly easier for them to come to us.