Is my five year old racist?

[Anonymous]

Recently, my five year old daughter began calling african american individuals "brown people." That's not the problem though. She starting saying things that my husband and I find completely inappropriate. For example, I asked her if "Jane" rides the bus to school, my daughter replied, "yes mom, even though she is not brown." Another example, when my daughter started ballet classes, she asked me if her ballet teacher is brown, because "i will be scared of her if she is brown."

Both my husband and I grew up to treat all individuals with great respect without regard to race, religion, etc. We have responded to our daughter's comments with strong verbal discipline and we hope we can make her realize very soon that the color of someone's skin has nothing to do with anything.

Is anyone else having/had this problem? Is this a normal way for kids to learn about race?

[Anonymous]

There's a recent Newsweek article that might be helpful to you: http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is around someone else who is saying that. Is she in kindergarten? Preschool? If so, that won't be the only thing she will be saying. Just be calm about it and tell her whatever you want her to know. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Another plug for the recent Newsweek. It was illuminating.

The gist of it was, kids notice racial differences as much as they notice the difference between pink and blue. By not explicitly outlining for them the implications (or lack of implications) of these differences, they will be left to make their own conclusions.

And, there was a study done where for three weeks, researchers dressed half the kids in a daycare class in red shirts, and the other half in blue shirts. They didn't talk to the kids about the shirts. Very quickly, the kids started sorting themselves. Not casually, like at lunch, but definitely when asked to pick teams for a game or something. And when you asked a red-shirt kid how many red-shirt people were "nice" or "honest" they said all of them. But ask them how many blue-shirt kids were nice or honest, and they would say only some.

It's a very long article, with lots of though-provoking bits. Very interesting.

[Anonymous]

It is common for children this age to identify people by there skin color--that in itself wouldn't worry me. I would just keep reinforcing your messages, but also make sure your daughter sees you interact with a broad range of people including friendships across color lines to drum in the concept

[Anonymous]

Um, yes. Your daughter is racist, or at least she is perpetuating stereotypes that she learned of or experienced. But at least you are aware of it and are trying to do something about it. I would be very very firm about setting her strait.

I remember being learning about slavery in grade school and told my mom, "I'm glad I'm not black." I don't think she realized I was saying this because I had just learned about all of the hardships that African Americans have faced in this country, but I don't know if it would have made a difference. My mom stopped the car, turned to me with a chillingly serious face and told me that was a terrible terrible thing to say. She went into more detail about why it was so wrong, how we don't think of people by their skin color, everyone is equal... It still chills me to this day because I didn't realize that I had done anything wrong until my mom set me strait so severely. Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Whoa - I think to say this child is racist is way beyond the pale. "Racist" means to have a hatred for a race. Nothing the OP has said points to the facts this child hates "brown" people.

I think part of it is at this age children really are noticing differences. They have no qualms about saying someone is different "mom, why is that person ________" "Mom, why does that person _________". I'm white and DH is black. My niece (who adores my DH) used to call black people "chocolate" when she was about 4 or 5. She certainly wasn't racist. It made my brother and SIL uncomfortable. But, she saw black skin as different - not different as in bad - just different than her skin. She went through that phase and it just as quickly ended. I'm not sure what all my brother and SIL said to her.

But, I guess to imply a child is "racist" because they talk about someone being "brown" is just crazy to me. Yes, she did comment about a fear if her teacher is "brown". Did you ask why? That might make a great teaching moment. Sometimes kids are afraid of things/people that are different. Doesn't mean they're haters - but it could mean that a relaxed dialogue could be needed - one without making your child feel like they did something wrong.

[Anonymous]

Does she have an African American teacher or an adult that she is maybe scared of and that's why she is saying these things. It could be that she a bad experience with that person and somehow associated it to all "brown" people. Just a thought. I don't think you can call her a racist at 5. That is a deliberate and learned behavior. You do need to work with her and get to the bottom of this so she doesn't become racist later on.

[Anonymous]

very interesting article. Thanks for posting it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a recent Newsweek article that might be helpful to you: http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989

I was just going to recommend this! I'm reading the Nurtureshock book, from which this is an excerpt. Very interesting stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa - I think to say this child is racist is way beyond the pale. "Racist" means to have a hatred for a race. Nothing the OP has said points to the facts this child hates "brown" people.

I think part of it is at this age children really are noticing differences. They have no qualms about saying someone is different "mom, why is that person ________" "Mom, why does that person _________". I'm white and DH is black. My niece (who adores my DH) used to call black people "chocolate" when she was about 4 or 5. She certainly wasn't racist. It made my brother and SIL uncomfortable. But, she saw black skin as different - not different as in bad - just different than her skin. She went through that phase and it just as quickly ended. I'm not sure what all my brother and SIL said to her.

But, I guess to imply a child is "racist" because they talk about someone being "brown" is just crazy to me. Yes, she did comment about a fear if her teacher is "brown". Did you ask why? That might make a great teaching moment. Sometimes kids are afraid of things/people that are different. Doesn't mean they're haters - but it could mean that a relaxed dialogue could be needed - one without making your child feel like they did something wrong.

I have to disagree, to an extent. Read her post again. Her daughter is clearly exhibiting NEGATIVE feelings towards "brown people" and not just using that term to make a distinction. Yes, calling her a racist is a bit odd for a child that age, but I think what the OP was getting at was that her child is drawing conclusions about people based on their skin color. That is exactly what we would describe as prejudice or stereotyping. Either she is learning this from someone else, or maybe she had a bad experience with someone at school and is drawing a broad stereotype based on the color of that person, or whatever. But her post, at least how I read it, showed that her daughter was distinguishing people based on their color and actually having preconceived notions about them based on color (i.e. she would be scared of a teacher that was brown).

[jsteele]

Your daughter is developing attitudes based on her experiences. In her experience, mostly black kids ride the bus and black women are scary. So, change her experiences. Are black girls invited to her playdates and birthday parties? Are there any black authority figures in her life (ones that wouldn't be scary)? Yes, of course you should instruct her on this topic. But, in this area, black people are not artifacts in a museum about whom we must be taught. There are plenty of real live ones with whom your daughter can interact. Give her the right experiences and you won't need to discipline her.

[Anonymous]

I read the Newsweek article, interesting.

My DD (who is white) came home from pre-school this spring and said that brown people were dirty and that she didn't like brown people. One of her good friends is black and she said that she didn't want to play with her anymore because she was bad (she seems to have forgotten this because she still plays with her and says she is her best friend). I was horrified when she said these things. My husband was not pleased, but said, let's not make a big deal about it, she must have heard something similar from one of the kids at school. I bought the book, We are the Same, We are Different, read it to her several times, told her that whoever told her that brown people were dirty or bad was wrong, that we need to treat everyone kindly and that you can't treat people differently because of their skin color. The Newsweek article suggests that kids are prone to catagorize, that it is a natural way of thinking, which may be true. I suppose the challenge is to teach our kids that catagorizing people based on skin color, ethnicity, etc. is not acceptable. When my DD said these things, I thought, how could this be? She attends a diverse pre-school, her babysitter is Hispanic, she plays with kids of different races, her cousins are half-Chinese and she loves them, my husband and I both live our lives (I think) in a way that encourages respect for everyone, etc. I wondered if there was such a thing as an innately racist child? I still don't have the answers, but I suppose we have to just be consistent with her when we talk about the subject of race and let her know that she should never treat someone differently because that person doesn't look like her.

[Anonymous]

14:15 again-- I also took the comment about Jane riding the bus "even though she is not brown" to mean that only brown people ride the bus because they are poor or don't have cars. This is an example of attributing a stereotype to a group of people.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord, she's five. Don't be such an alarmist. Just explain "how boring would it be if everyone looked alike". It's quite simple.