Is my five year old racist?

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for all of your advice. I will be reading the Newsweek article tonight when I have more time to concentrate.
To answer someone's question, does she have diversity in her life, YES, she does: Teachers, both preschool and kindergarten, neighbors, friends, and church members. Which is why I'm so confused. It's not like she's met one dark skinned person and had a bad experience. Quite the opposite. She truly loves some of these people.
I appreciate everyone's input.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the great book references people. I've been struggling with race over the last week w/my 5yo boy and feel so inarticulate. Maybe they'll help.

My DS often labels his friends by skin color, as in "I was hanging out with x, you know, who has the older brother y and really really pale skin even paler than mine." And also in the other direction.

This week I told him he had to stop describing by people by skin color. He said "why," I said, "well, it's not nice." "Why?" And I was stumped and finally garbled out something like " Well, a long time ago people used to be mean to other people just because their skin was a different color."

Hopefully the books will help me come up with a better answer for when the inevitable followp questions come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another plug for the recent Newsweek. It was illuminating.

The gist of it was, kids notice racial differences as much as they notice the difference between pink and blue. By not explicitly outlining for them the implications (or lack of implications) of these differences, they will be left to make their own conclusions.

And, there was a study done where for three weeks, researchers dressed half the kids in a daycare class in red shirts, and the other half in blue shirts. They didn't talk to the kids about the shirts. Very quickly, the kids started sorting themselves. Not casually, like at lunch, but definitely when asked to pick teams for a game or something. And when you asked a red-shirt kid how many red-shirt people were "nice" or "honest" they said all of them. But ask them how many blue-shirt kids were nice or honest, and they would say only some.

It's a very long article, with lots of though-provoking bits. Very interesting.

The part I bolded above really bothered me about the Newsweek article. The researchers were ASKING the kids to classify based on appearance, and then were surprised when they did so.

[Anonymous]

This is normal behavior for children who are fortunate enough to be brought up in a multi-cultural environment. The child is just figuring it out. She learns by taking the hundreds of things that are said to her during the day and, by trial and error, and good parenting, making decisions either good or bad. Her parents/teachers/babysitters and even her peers will lead her to turn her bad decisions (I.e., "if my teacher is brown, I will be scared") into good decisions. Five year olds go through this learning behavior on virtually everything. Learning about race is one of those things. Since these parents seem very involved and concerned, this child is not and will NOT be racist in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is common for children this age to identify people by there skin color--that in itself wouldn't worry me. I would just keep reinforcing your messages, but also make sure your daughter sees you interact with a broad range of people including friendships across color lines to drum in the concept

I want to second this view. Its not enough to talk the talk you also have to walk the walk. Kids will always notice and comment on skin color (they are not blind) and as the PP stated this is really not an issue but I think it is important for them not to see people who are different as the "other".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa - I think to say this child is racist is way beyond the pale. "Racist" means to have a hatred for a race. Nothing the OP has said points to the facts this child hates "brown" people.

I think part of it is at this age children really are noticing differences. They have no qualms about saying someone is different "mom, why is that person ________" "Mom, why does that person _________". I'm white and DH is black. My niece (who adores my DH) used to call black people "chocolate" when she was about 4 or 5. She certainly wasn't racist. It made my brother and SIL uncomfortable. But, she saw black skin as different - not different as in bad - just different than her skin. She went through that phase and it just as quickly ended. I'm not sure what all my brother and SIL said to her.

But, I guess to imply a child is "racist" because they talk about someone being "brown" is just crazy to me. Yes, she did comment about a fear if her teacher is "brown". Did you ask why? That might make a great teaching moment. Sometimes kids are afraid of things/people that are different. Doesn't mean they're haters - but it could mean that a relaxed dialogue could be needed - one without making your child feel like they did something wrong.

You are a racist if you think this little girl is a racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, yes. Your daughter is racist, or at least she is perpetuating stereotypes that she learned of or experienced. But at least you are aware of it and are trying to do something about it. I would be very very firm about setting her strait.

I remember being learning about slavery in grade school and told my mom, "I'm glad I'm not black." I don't think she realized I was saying this because I had just learned about all of the hardships that African Americans have faced in this country, but I don't know if it would have made a difference. My mom stopped the car, turned to me with a chillingly serious face and told me that was a terrible terrible thing to say. She went into more detail about why it was so wrong, how we don't think of people by their skin color, everyone is equal... It still chills me to this day because I didn't realize that I had done anything wrong until my mom set me strait so severely. Hope that helps.

You are a racist if you think this little girl is a racist. My apologies on the previous post - wrong one.

[Anonymous]

No way Jose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Good Lord, she's five. Don't be such an alarmist. Just explain "how boring would it be if everyone looked alike". It's quite simple.

I love this - the perfect advice

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:Your daughter is developing attitudes based on her experiences. In her experience, mostly black kids ride the bus and black women are scary. So, change her experiences. Are black girls invited to her playdates and birthday parties? Are there any black authority figures in her life (ones that wouldn't be scary)? Yes, of course you should instruct her on this topic. But, in this area, black people are not artifacts in a museum about whom we must be taught. There are plenty of real live ones with whom your daughter can interact. Give her the right experiences and you won't need to discipline her.

Jeff, you are my hero. In the past week, you have posted cogent, cloud clearing commentary in mulitple subjects. A big fat thanks to you for being an exceptional person.

[Anonymous]

Just to be clear, are you sure she is actually referring to african americans when she said "brown people"? There was a post a while back about a mom worrying about some comments a child made, and there were a ton of responses about how things their chidren said were misinterpreted. For example, they are talking about a movie they just saw where the monster was brown. Or one story was about a little girl called her black classmate "dirty". The mom thought she was being racist and it turns out the little girl WAS actually covered head to toe in mud that day. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the great discussion. My kindergartener came home yesterday and told me that she's "going to marry her friend Colin, even though he has brown skin." I said "that's great, it doesn't matter what anyone looks like on the outside, it matters who they are on the inside" but the way she worded it was interesting enough to concern me. I will be reading the Newsweek article as well. And she has been accustomed to friends/teachers/our friends/etc. of all races since birth.

[Anonymous]

I took the message from the Newsweek article to mean that race shouldn't be a taboo subject, but should be part of a parent's education of their children. There are other topics this could encompass too: different religions, socio-economic levels, etc.

I think as adults we are uncomfortable with certain subjects and try to avoid discussing them. But for kids, they need to have something fill in this void. Example isn't enough. I think this is true of race, as well as sex and drugs. The Newsweek article starts of describing how parents dropped out of a study because they felt too uncomfortable talking about race at all. I think that is very illuminating of this problem.

[Anonymous]

Yes young children can be racist. In fact all of us can be racist at times. And guess what, that doesn't make me Hitler. Haven't you made some kind of judgment about someone based on their race/appearance? Have you ever started to tell a story and started with describing the person's race when it really has nothing to do with the story? Such as there was this "big black guy...." etc. Because if you have, you are guilty of being racist. And yes, it is a bad thing, but it's something that we all do.

You should address this issue with your child. Explain why we have different pigmentation in our skin. Explain why some people have freckles. And explain why certain terms are not appropriate. Ask your little girl how it would feel if someone would not want to be friends with her just because she had light-colored skin.

When I was at Tyson's corner, I saw two little girls playing who obviously knew each other and were friends and the white child was repeatedly badgering the other little girl about her skin being "brown." And the other little girl replied and said, "what do you want me to do? I can't take it off." Children aren't necessarily racist, but often children do like to point out differences. And when these differences are regarding race, it is racism. Children can be brutally honest at times. But they have to be taught to be respectful of other people's feelings and why pointing out these things is hurtful.

Race is an anthropological term that people have made up to classify each other. There is no real science behind it. For example, did you know that Persians are truly caucasian? And are from the Caucases as well are East Indians. Yet, people here would never consider those people "white." Don't be afraid of racism. It happens. Address it.

[Anonymous]

"Have you ever started to tell a story and started with describing the person's race when it really has nothing to do with the story? Such as there was this "big black guy...." etc. Because if you have, you are guilty of being racist. And yes, it is a bad thing, but it's something that we all do."

This is definitely not racism. Sometimes I think DCUM needs a refresher course in word meaning and usage. There was another topic posted named "Silly question about racism" It had to do with buying a girl a black doll. Nothing racist about it. People seem to be having a hard time coming up with the words to describe what there trying to say so they just racism instead of what it actually is.