Is my five year old racist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:Your daughter is developing attitudes based on her experiences. In her experience, mostly black kids ride the bus and black women are scary. So, change her experiences. Are black girls invited to her playdates and birthday parties? Are there any black authority figures in her life (ones that wouldn't be scary)? Yes, of course you should instruct her on this topic. But, in this area, black people are not artifacts in a museum about whom we must be taught. There are plenty of real live ones with whom your daughter can interact. Give her the right experiences and you won't need to discipline her.

Jeff, you are my hero. In the past week, you have posted cogent, cloud clearing commentary in mulitple subjects. A big fat thanks to you for being an exceptional person.

This is the OP-
I admire Jeff as much as anyone else, but I have to disagree that this was a helpful response. As I said in my second post, my daughter has been exposed to many different types of people. For instance, she loves (her word), and is not afraid of, her black Kindergarten teacher. She has broad experiences, and this is why her behavior was confusing to me.
Thanks to everyone for their perspective. Her father and I continue to try to do the right thing...

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:
This is the OP-
I admire Jeff as much as anyone else, but I have to disagree that this was a helpful response. As I said in my second post, my daughter has been exposed to many different types of people. For instance, she loves (her word), and is not afraid of, her black Kindergarten teacher. She has broad experiences, and this is why her behavior was confusing to me.
Thanks to everyone for their perspective. Her father and I continue to try to do the right thing...

Just to give you some insight on my response, it wasn't pulled out of my you-know-what, but based on my own life experience. I grew up in a part of town that was probably 99 percent white. To integrate my grade school, school officials bussed in black kids. But, not just any black kids. No, they bussed in special needs black kids -- what we called retarded kids back then (and I apologize to those offended by that term, but it's what was used even by school officials). So, my first experience with black children (in first grade) were these special needs kids. You can imagine how that affected my perception of black people and it took many years to undo the damage. My parents started putting me on a better path by purposely exposing me to black professionals. That had the effect of teaching me that not all black people were mentally challenged, but had the unexpected effect of creating a strong bias toward assimilated blacks to the detriment of anyone who "acted black". It is because of these experiences that I put a strong emphasis on your child's experiences. I know that I got screwed up despite people's best intentions.

[Anonymous]

What I mean about using a person's race in a story is this. Often times, we are actually using that person's skin color in the story to imply certain things about that person based on their race. For example, my friend started off telling me a story about how the big black woman in a DC government office with long nails was being rude. The fact that the women was being rude had nothing to do with her race, however, it is common for us to associate those characteristics that are most obvious such as skin color with behavior. And those associations are judgments based on race. That is being racist.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - thank you for being comfortable enough to bring this subject up in this forum (even though it's anonymous). It is helpful.

[Anonymous]

One thing I find helpful is to make sure we read a lot of stories with strong black characters. We like the Grace books and the books by Brian Pinkney. You can ask any librarian for some good recommendations.

[Anonymous]

Good discussion - keep it going.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts from an African American man.

First, I don't think your daughter is racist.

Second, my 4 year old son also speaks to skin color. He calls my wife, who is dark-skinned, "dark brown" and he calls himself, my daughter, and me "light brown". He also calls white people - well, "white". That by itself is not racist in my opinion.

Third, it is important for you to continue modeling the character that you want her to have. It is also important, as others have said, for you to expose her to upstanding people from all races. Depending on the kinds of TV your daughter is exposed to (e.g., the local news!), it can be easy to pick up negative images of black people. So, I think it is important for you to "get ahead" of this so that she does not develop long-lasting negative attitudes.

[Anonymous]

A black woman chiming in here. I agree with Jeff and others that exposure is important. I would also question my daughter the next time she said that. "Honey, why do you think that brown people are bad?" I would keep asking questions until I got to the root. Then I would read her a story about Dr. King and tell her about "brown" friends you like and "brown" friends you admire. If you consistently challenge her on this she will come around eventually. Kudos to you and Jeff for your honesty. I'm glad there is one safe place where we can discuss this ticky issue openly.

[Anonymous]

And when these differences are regarding race, it is racism.

This just might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen and perfectly exhibits why we will never get to a reasonable goal when it comes to race relations in this country. Pointing out that there is a difference between and among people or groups is an opinion or a factual statement. It does not -- in and of itself -- involve judgment, disdain, or "racism." Merely stating that a particular person as black or white should be an acceptable way to provide context and clarity; it doesn't mean that the speaker is racist.

I have never understood this crazy tension in the "diversity" world -- it is like we are supposed to talk about how great diversity is (and I believe it is) but then we're not allowed to talk about how we are different -- equal doesn't mean "the same." If we want a diverse society we MUST talk about these issues with our kids, our friends, our families. We have to start sending our kids the right message -- yes, we are different, and that's a good thing. Some of us are "white," some are "black," some are gay, straight, Catholic, Jewish, whatever, and we all individuals who bring different strengths and weaknesses to the world. If we can't talk about what makes us different and similar, we will be relegated to backwards thinking of the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A black woman chiming in here. I agree with Jeff and others that exposure is important. I would also question my daughter the next time she said that. "Honey, why do you think that brown people are bad?" I would keep asking questions until I got to the root. Then I would read her a story about Dr. King and tell her about "brown" friends you like and "brown" friends you admire. If you consistently challenge her on this she will come around eventually. Kudos to you and Jeff for your honesty. I'm glad there is one safe place where we can discuss this ticky issue openly.

i agree that talking with kids is important, but i also think this poster jumps ahead a few steps. first you have to ask her what she means about being scared of the teacher, especially since OP says she loves her school teacher, who is black. by jumping right to "why do you think they are bad?" you risk trying to grow a seed that might not be planted...

[Anonymous]

OP my daughter went through a period when she started displaying negative attitudes towards "brown" people. I think it was because she had a difficult relationship with one little girl in her preschool who is black.

I talked with her about this repeatedly. The speech is corny but it worked: People are like flowers, they come in all different colors, god made all her children different colors and she loves the black ones just as much as the others. How would you like it if someone didn't like you because of your eye color or skin or hair.... in our family we don't hate people or be mean to people and especially not because of their skin color. It breaks my heart to hear you say mean things about brown people....


She seems to have learned. This was over the course of about two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A black woman chiming in here. I agree with Jeff and others that exposure is important. I would also question my daughter the next time she said that. "Honey, why do you think that brown people are bad?" I would keep asking questions until I got to the root. Then I would read her a story about Dr. King and tell her about "brown" friends you like and "brown" friends you admire. If you consistently challenge her on this she will come around eventually. Kudos to you and Jeff for your honesty. I'm glad there is one safe place where we can discuss this ticky issue openly.

i agree that talking with kids is important, but i also think this poster jumps ahead a few steps. first you have to ask her what she means about being scared of the teacher, especially since OP says she loves her school teacher, who is black. by jumping right to "why do you think they are bad?" you risk trying to grow a seed that might not be planted...

I disagree with this second PP, her daughter thinks a ballet teacher would be scary if she was black. I think she probably already loved her school teacher before someone/something started creating this point of view in her head, and that's why she still loves her teacher. She does have negative feelings and getting to the root of why she feels that way is a great way to start.

[Anonymous]

Not a racist at all - just a kid.