Gah, mom doesn't listen!

[Anonymous]

I just need to rant b/c my mom has done it again. Growing up and even now, my mom will ask me what I want for my bday, xmas, whatever and when I say here is what I want (even with links provided b/c growing up she'd get me something that I didn't like/want and then get upset that I wasn't using it), she will either get something completely different or something she thinks would be more appropriate. For instance, she's very into arts and crafts, I am not. When I was 13 she got me some weaving loom, that I hadn't asked for. I tried it for xmas break to please her but never made anything. In college I said, I need x or y from Z store. She buys me something from a store she loves and frequents (but is not my style at all). This year, for my bday she asked what I wanted, I sent her three links and she got three items, only one of which was what I requested. And she doesn't do this with just me. She does this with my son and husband. What drives me batty is that she goes out of her way to get the perfect gift for other friends and relatives, asking me if I think they'd like it, but seems to not realize (or care) that she ignores my wishes. We even had a conversation about this last year. I hate for her to waste her money on items that won't get used and would rather she not get me anything b/c when she does this, it feels more like a gift for her than for me. I have a MIL who just seems to get me and knows what I like. This rant isn't about getting gifts (I don't need more stuff and have told my mom this but says how she can't not give a gift or a GC), it's about my mom not listening and feeling like shouldn't she know me well enough by now. Anyone else have a parent or sibling, someone who has grown up with you and done something similar?

[Anonymous]

I think the emotional component is about a lot more than it seems. Does she discount your needs and opinions in other ways?

As far as what to do wrt gifts, either decide in advance to let it go (and don’t bother giving her a list), or see if you can talk her into spending money on something the family can do together, such as taking you all to the movies when she visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the emotional component is about a lot more than it seems. Does she discount your needs and opinions in other ways?

As far as what to do wrt gifts, either decide in advance to let it go (and don’t bother giving her a list), or see if you can talk her into spending money on something the family can do together, such as taking you all to the movies when she visits.

Yes! When I was in jr high and my friends did something that upset me, instead of talking to me about it or even saying I'm sorry that happened, she said "Why don't you walk the dog?" If I told her something that I thought was private, she'd tell everyone (relatives, friends) and let me know what they thought. It got to the point where I stopped telling her personal things b/c I couldn't trust that she wouldn't share the news, even if I asked her not to. When I had to have emergency surgery or even tell her about the infertility struggles we're having, she'd start saying how she or so-and-so went through something similar, which wasn't helpful at the time. It just felt dismissive. It sucks b/c I know she cares, but we aren't close, not like others who say "Oh my mom is my BF".

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just tell her?

I have an oblivious mom too and I flat out tell her I didn't like the gift. I also return gifts with abandon.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is so self-absorbed that she can't really do or perceive except through a kind of filter, so she sees you and interacts with you through a fog of thinking about herself and what she likes and feels. I'm sorry. That's a tough kind of mom to have. Mine is like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is so self-absorbed that she can't really do or perceive except through a kind of filter, so she sees you and interacts with you through a fog of thinking about herself and what she likes and feels. I'm sorry. That's a tough kind of mom to have. Mine is like that.

This.
Op, I’m sorry. Perhaps your energy is better spent grieving the mom you would have liked to have had. Make peace with this. Let the disappointment go and figure out how to focus on the ways you do enjoy her.

With the gift giving, you can simply stop giving suggestions and sending links. Just say, “Mom, it’s important to you to pick out what you want. So do it. If I/we can use it, I/we will. And if not, we’ll pass it along to someone who can. Can you pass the green beans, please?”

[Anonymous]

You kind of sound like a self absorbed brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This year, for my bday she asked what I wanted, I sent her three links and she got three items, only one of which was what I requested.

you don't get to "request" your birthday gifts. a gift is just that. something given. Yes its nice that she asks what you'd like and you go out of your way to provide her some ideas about what you'd like, but she is under no gift giving obligation to acquiesce to your desires.

if she has indeed been doing this your entire life. when are YOU going learn that she's going to do her own thing anyway? You've gotten bent out of shape over "your mom not listening" when in fact, you keep expecting a zebra to suddenly change its stripes. Quit banging your head against the wall.

next time she asks what you want. tell her

"Mom, i have told you what i want for my birthday/christmas/ect every year for the last 30 years. Every year you've surprised me with something I never thought I'd ever want/need. This year you are on your own"

And if she gives you something you don't want, return it, or donate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You kind of sound like a self absorbed brat

Hi Mom!

[Anonymous]

Next time just tell her to pick what she wants. Or give her some random list and donate what you get. She's not going to change. The only thing you can do is to adjust your expectations. Don't play the game any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You kind of sound like a self absorbed brat

+1 op sounds like a 15 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This year, for my bday she asked what I wanted, I sent her three links and she got three items, only one of which was what I requested.

If you were given 3 gifts and one of them was what you asked for, consider that your gift and pass the other two on to someone else. How is that a problem?

[Anonymous]

np: My mom and I are doing family therapy and she is trying to listen to me. She often doesn't understand what I'm saying. She takes notes during the sessions so she can try to understand later. I don't think she has dementia at 70, at least I hope not, we're just very different people unfortunately. Old habits die hard. We're very similar in biological ways - I've adopted her exact eating and sleeping habits at the same age that her patterns developed, for example. But the way we think is very different.

[Anonymous]

This happens rather often: that a person takes their inner circle for granted and behaves very differently with them than with their extended circle.

Refuse to participate or get hurt, by telling her to get you whatever she wants. You already found the solution to the rest - not making her your confidant. That transition is hard. I've done it myself with my mother.

[Anonymous]

np: My mom is visiting this week. She spent 12 hours yesterday polishing two pewter kiddush cups. She bought them a few years ago for me because she knew I didn't like polishing silver, so she thought pewter would solve that problem. Turns out, the pewter looks awful and the instructions say you can polish it. She needed to remedy this. Price tag says the cups were $4.75 each. I have a busy household, I work FT, 3 young dcs, one with serious medical problems and SN, but this is what she did.