Gah, mom doesn't listen!

[Anonymous]

For me, having my mom become less supportive coincided with the years where my own family life became super-demanding with young dcs. Maybe not a coincidence - I needed more, she got overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np: My mom is visiting this week. She spent 12 hours yesterday polishing two pewter kiddush cups. She bought them a few years ago for me because she knew I didn't like polishing silver, so she thought pewter would solve that problem. Turns out, the pewter looks awful and the instructions say you can polish it. She needed to remedy this. Price tag says the cups were $4.75 each. I have a busy household, I work FT, 3 young dcs, one with serious medical problems and SN, but this is what she did.

Wow. You sound pretty upset about that. Did you want her to go to work with you, or to school with your children ?

[Anonymous]

My mom does this, too. She asks what we want, but disregards our suggestions... which I think would be TOTALLY fine if she were choosing a different gift altogether. For example, I told her I wanted a nice (expensive-ish) flat iron for my hair, or gift card towards one. She said "oh, I have one you can have, I never use it." Then gives me an old cheap one (I already have an old cheap one). As my birthday gift. Or I asked for a (not very pricey) stainless steel pan for Xmas. We had a nice discussion about why neither of us like Teflon. What does she buy me? A Teflon pan.

It's just so weird. But complaining about it makes me sound like an ungrateful jerk. So, op, I don't think there's anything we can do about it besides exchanging the gifts for what we want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is so self-absorbed that she can't really do or perceive except through a kind of filter, so she sees you and interacts with you through a fog of thinking about herself and what she likes and feels. I'm sorry. That's a tough kind of mom to have. Mine is like that.

Nailed it. My mom loves to quilt. She makes everyone quilts. She will ask everyone for their "colors" and make them quilts for wedding gifts, christmas etc. Do any 30 somethings you know like quilts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is so self-absorbed that she can't really do or perceive except through a kind of filter, so she sees you and interacts with you through a fog of thinking about herself and what she likes and feels. I'm sorry. That's a tough kind of mom to have. Mine is like that.

Nailed it. My mom loves to quilt. She makes everyone quilts. She will ask everyone for their "colors" and make them quilts for wedding gifts, christmas etc. Do any 30 somethings you know like quilts?

I am friends with an older woman who is the same. She made my newborn a beautiful quilt, and I was really touched. I don't think typical old fashioned quilts are very hip, but there are some great fabrics out there. My friend used very mod and cute fabrics for my son's birthday.

But quilting is SO labor intensive, that it's a Shame to make one for someone who won't appreciate it. So, I do get where you are coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is so self-absorbed that she can't really do or perceive except through a kind of filter, so she sees you and interacts with you through a fog of thinking about herself and what she likes and feels. I'm sorry. That's a tough kind of mom to have. Mine is like that.

Nailed it. My mom loves to quilt. She makes everyone quilts. She will ask everyone for their "colors" and make them quilts for wedding gifts, christmas etc. Do any 30 somethings you know like quilts?

Give it away to an animal shelter. Once gift is received it's yours to do whatever you want with it.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel like I could have written your post and your follow up. When it comes to the gift thing I especially don't vent to anyone buy my DH about it because unless you understand all her BS you would just think I am being a brat and spoiled when that has nothing to do with it.
Everything my mom does is about her. EVERYTHING. It is hurtful and frustrating. I don't have any good advice because I am still working through a million issues I have with my own mom.
I think my mom is really insecure and doesn't love herself at all so she wants me to like all the things she likes as some sort of validation. She literally gets in fights with me if I don't like the same food as she does, watch the same TV shows, share the same interests, etc.
The gift giving seems like an extension of that. She gives gifts to outsiders that she thinks they would like but for her own daughters she gives them gifts that she wants them to like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is so self-absorbed that she can't really do or perceive except through a kind of filter, so she sees you and interacts with you through a fog of thinking about herself and what she likes and feels. I'm sorry. That's a tough kind of mom to have. Mine is like that.

Nailed it. My mom loves to quilt. She makes everyone quilts. She will ask everyone for their "colors" and make them quilts for wedding gifts, christmas etc. Do any 30 somethings you know like quilts?

I am friends with an older woman who is the same. She made my newborn a beautiful quilt, and I was really touched. I don't think typical old fashioned quilts are very hip, but there are some great fabrics out there. My friend used very mod and cute fabrics for my son's birthday.

But quilting is SO labor intensive, that it's a Shame to make one for someone who won't appreciate it. So, I do get where you are coming from.

I grow plants and give them away. I do it because I love growing plants. It's not a shame if the plant is regifted or doesn't survive. Quilting is quite a stress relieving activity, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:np: My mom is visiting this week. She spent 12 hours yesterday polishing two pewter kiddush cups. She bought them a few years ago for me because she knew I didn't like polishing silver, so she thought pewter would solve that problem. Turns out, the pewter looks awful and the instructions say you can polish it. She needed to remedy this. Price tag says the cups were $4.75 each. I have a busy household, I work FT, 3 young dcs, one with serious medical problems and SN, but this is what she did.

Wow. You sound pretty upset about that. Did you want her to go to work with you, or to school with your children ?

NP here but it doesn’t take too much imagination to assume the PP would have preferred for her mom to do something useful for the household or family like run errands, make dinner, do other Passover prep, do school pick up/drop off, or take the child to medical appointments. If she had 12 hours to burn, she might as well have done something that would be helpful to her family instead of a complete waste of time and effort. She should have just watched TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:np: My mom is visiting this week. She spent 12 hours yesterday polishing two pewter kiddush cups. She bought them a few years ago for me because she knew I didn't like polishing silver, so she thought pewter would solve that problem. Turns out, the pewter looks awful and the instructions say you can polish it. She needed to remedy this. Price tag says the cups were $4.75 each. I have a busy household, I work FT, 3 young dcs, one with serious medical problems and SN, but this is what she did.

Wow. You sound pretty upset about that. Did you want her to go to work with you, or to school with your children ?

NP here but it doesn’t take too much imagination to assume the PP would have preferred for her mom to do something useful for the household or family like run errands, make dinner, do other Passover prep, do school pick up/drop off, or take the child to medical appointments. If she had 12 hours to burn, she might as well have done something that would be helpful to her family instead of a complete waste of time and effort. She should have just watched TV.

So you expect guests to run errands for you ? That's pretty odd/rude.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this with gifts. She asks and asks for a list for me and my DD, but barely uses it. First I gave her specific ideas that my DD would love, she bought completely different things and I was bummed because I could have given the other ideas to other family. So then I trued sending one big list to everyone and telling ppl to just reply all with what they were getting off the list so others would not duplicate - she didn't email or read other responses so she bought the same things as others. I've tried telling her to pick out whatever she wants - no, insists on a list. Ugh. My next approach is to give her only a list of things my DD would probably like, but not the top items which I will tell my family and they will just get. That way she gets ideas, there is no duplicating (which would be fine, I could just donate, but she gets all bent out of shape that she bought the same thing as someone else), my DD doesn't miss out on what she really wants if MIL goes rogue, and if she decides to buy from the list, it's something DD will like. Way too much maneuvering for freaking gifts imo, but it's what we've come to. So, after that long-winded response, my advice to you is give your mom some "nice to have" ideas that you could take or leave, save what you really want for others buying you gifts, and just expect nothing from your mom and maybe you'll occasionally be pleasantly surprised.

[Anonymous]

Next time she asks, find a nice way to thank her for thinking of you and tell her you (all) have everything you need and are just looking forward to seeing her (if you actually get together). Also, don't feel bad about donating/returning.

[Anonymous]

Pewter kiddush cup poster, I'm back. Mom actually made dinner after that. Yay! Next day I took her out to eat and to a show with my kids. She doesn't visit very often, but when she does, she eventually notices what our lives are like, and she starts to get the hang of it. Then she returns home to my dad who reminds her that their lives are all about them (him mostly), and the cycle repeats. (She lives in the South and had never been to a kosher for Passover restaurant in her life, and she's telling all her friends how exciting it was).