Looking for advice on how to get my wife to get help

[Anonymous]

I have written before, people will id me....about a problem going on for years.

Here we are in 2018. DD is having real problems...suicidal at times, cutting...in an intensive therapy program. The problem is largely my wife will not let her grow up -- she is terrified of something bad happening. All of her energy goes to trying to protect our DD -- who is now 16. It has for many years, with small hiccups when I got sick 6 years ago.

Right before I got sick, I was in the process of preparing to separate. We were in a marriage where our sex life consisted of saying FU in the hallway, and not in a good way. There was no intimacy. The reason why I did not leave is the helicoptering was harming our DD, I could see it. I wanted to leave, but also wanted to protect my 10 yo DD. Then I got sick, with a bad prognosis. I figured, there was no reason to spend the money on divorce since I was probably going to die anyway. I did not, and medical advances are indicating that there is a normal life span.

So now, as predicted by the forum, my dd, nearly 16, is f****d up. She does not do drugs, but cuts, and is periodically suicidal. She has been in a 3 day a week 3 hour a day therapy (after school) to help her get through the crisis. And has a love-hate relationship is my wife. Last week, we had a family meeting with one of the therapists. The therapist told my wife, under no uncertain terms, that she needs to get help/support for herself to help our dd. She has not made any phone calls yet. The therapist said that the conflict between my wife and I (and my wife and DD) are one of the primary things creating the environment where DD is harmed.

How can I get DW to take the action?

[Anonymous]

If you separate/divorce, who will DD likely choose to live with?

I was in a similar situation as a teen and got much, much better once I was out of the suffocating environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you separate/divorce, who will DD likely choose to live with?

I was in a similar situation as a teen and got much, much better once I was out of the suffocating environment.

Probably me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you separate/divorce, who will DD likely choose to live with?

I was in a similar situation as a teen and got much, much better once I was out of the suffocating environment.

Probably me.

Then leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, Have you gotten help for your DD in school yet? What accommodations does she ha e and is she on a 504 plan?

It is unwise to complicate your DD's life more if you have not gotten these specific supports in place. It only takes a few weeks max to do it, and it can take less if your need is urgent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Have you gotten help for your DD in school yet? What accommodations does she ha e and is she on a 504 plan?

It is unwise to complicate your DD's life more if you have not gotten these specific supports in place. It only takes a few weeks max to do it, and it can take less if your need is urgent.

We have talked to the school. No 504 plan yet. Yet being the key word. I know I will not leave now.

[Anonymous]

I remember your post. I think I commented, because my daughter went through the same thing last year, but I did everything in my power to save her. She's now living with her dad in Oklahoma, off her meds, hasn't cut for almost a year, is making A's and B's, and was chosen this week to represent her grade to go take a test for biology (they sent them to a school about an hour away for the tests). She's advocating for herself, and I have my daughter back. She couldn't survive here, in our case it was school and the people she was around, so I did the best thing for her, regardless of my feelings. Her life is worth more than anything. If you have to separate to help her heal, do that. She's at the age where she can choose who she wants to live with. Your wife doesn't realize that your daughter is in a dangerous place, and she needs to wake up. My ex-husband and I are always on the same page concerning the well-being of our children. You've been in my thoughts since your last post.

[Anonymous]

I would have a meeting by myself with your daughter's therapist to discuss what steps should be taken if your wife can not seek her own help. Would she see a therapist with you if you made an appointment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a meeting by myself with your daughter's therapist to discuss what steps should be taken if your wife can not seek her own help. Would she see a therapist with you if you made an appointment?

This is a good idea. thank you.

[Anonymous]

Having a mentally ill or SN child really puts strain on a marriage. Our counselor suggested to my husband that we divorce for the sake of the teen child. We didn't. I think if we had it would have been a disaster. We have a good marriage now, if not a great one. Our son is doing well, on mild antidepressant but, other than that, well adjusted young adult.

[Anonymous]

Divorce may be the only thing that gets her to take action. Could also be helpful for DD to get a break.

[Anonymous]

Instead of blaming your wife, grow up and be a better husband and father. It takes two to have a good marriage and she cannot do it all alone. You blame her for everything and take no responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Have you gotten help for your DD in school yet? What accommodations does she ha e and is she on a 504 plan?

It is unwise to complicate your DD's life more if you have not gotten these specific supports in place. It only takes a few weeks max to do it, and it can take less if your need is urgent.

We have talked to the school. No 504 plan yet. Yet being the key word. I know I will not leave now.

Similar situation with my son. I requested and got an IEP. It provides for more safeguards. It takes awhile OP so you want to follow up with the school.

[OreoTwin]

It seems from your description that your wife needs some help. If she doesn’t want to cooperate you might want to get a grip on why she is so protective of your dd in the meantime. Here is a book that might help you https://bit.ly/2Jc3bjU. Read it first and figure out if the author’s description fits your wife before you give it to her. And here is a book https://bit.ly/2q23u87 to help your daughter with coping. The situation it seems is just so complicated that you really need counseling for your daughter and you and your wife. I hope you give us some good news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of blaming your wife, grow up and be a better husband and father. It takes two to have a good marriage and she cannot do it all alone. You blame her for everything and take no responsibility.

I do not believe I am blaming my wife. Rather, I am trying to do what my daughters therapists suggest is best for DD.