Looking for advice on how to get my wife to get help

[Anonymous]

OreoTwin wrote:It seems from your description that your wife needs some help. If she doesn’t want to cooperate you might want to get a grip on why she is so protective of your dd in the meantime. Here is a book that might help you https://bit.ly/2Jc3bjU. Read it first and figure out if the author’s description fits your wife before you give it to her. And here is a book https://bit.ly/2q23u87 to help your daughter with coping. The situation it seems is just so complicated that you really need counseling for your daughter and you and your wife. I hope you give us some good news.

I do not see how some Christian literature will help my jewish family.

[Anonymous]

Divorce could completely set your daughter even more. She may blame herself and do worse than cutting. You all need individual and group help

[Anonymous]

I'm finally in the camp of "you again?" Now that your daughter is all f#$%ed up, which anyone saw from a thousand miles away, you're going to ask for more advice you won't follow? Folks, honestly, just don't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of blaming your wife, grow up and be a better husband and father. It takes two to have a good marriage and she cannot do it all alone. You blame her for everything and take no responsibility.

I do not believe I am blaming my wife. Rather, I am trying to do what my daughters therapists suggest is best for DD.

Yes, you are. You are complaining about your wife and your marriage. What have you done to try to get along with her and build a strong marriage? You post some really nasty stuff only blaming her for the marital and child problems. You need to grow up and be committed to your marriage and start treating her well if you want to be treated well in return. Screaming profanities at each other is not ok. The first fix is your marriage or get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of blaming your wife, grow up and be a better husband and father. It takes two to have a good marriage and she cannot do it all alone. You blame her for everything and take no responsibility.

I do not believe I am blaming my wife. Rather, I am trying to do what my daughters therapists suggest is best for DD.

You are saying, " I am trying to do what my daughters therapists suggest is best for DD.". This is not true. The therapist did not say to you, "make your wife get into therapy.". The therapist said *to your wife* that *she* should get therapy. This is your wife's job, not yours. Stop bugging her about it. Stop wasting your mental energy trying to strategize how to get her to do therapy - or anything else for that matter.

Your job is only to think about how *your* behavior affects your DD and to adjust it accordingly.

If you and your wife are fighting about therapy and that is affecting DD, the answer isn't to force your wife into therapy. It is to find a way to deal with the consequences of her refusal to engage in therapy. Maybe you detach emotionally. Maybe you find ways to spend more father/DD time so DD can have good, non-conflictual support from you, maybe you divorce.

You are failing to take responsibility for your own stuff if you continually focus on what your wife is doing wrong.

[Anonymous]

BTW, have you done what YOU can do by requesting a 504 plan and accommodations for your daughter that would help her focus on school?

[Anonymous]

You DD is still a teen. She will be absolutely normal in 4 years.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes. It isn't therapy for daughter or your W that is going to save your daughter. YOU need to save her by getting her away from her mother and you know that. Stop waiting on your W to do something she doesn't want to do at the cost of your daughter's mental health.

You are wasting precious time while your W does nothing and your daughter gets worse. Don't wait for your W to take action. You need to get off your ass and put your daughter first. The sympathy you get by posting here is worth exactly nothing. No one here can help you. You need to help yourself. Not waste time posting about it.

At 16, she is old enough to tell a judge which parent she wants to live with. Get yourself and your daughter away from that toxic environment now. Take her and move out right away.

You don't need any agreements in place, attorneys, or judges involved to do that. Just go rent a place and move out now. You can deal with all the fallout of your failed marriage later but move now to protect your daughter.

Until there is actually a visitation order in place, forbid your W from seeing your daughter. There isn't a damn thing she can do about it. When you do start fighting over the terms of your divorce, make sure her attorney knows you will subpoena the therapists to testify about the damage your W's condition has on your daughter. They will fold and it will never go to court. That's a year off anyway.

Your W is NOT going to change and, unless you act now, you will still be posting about this for years to come, assuming your daughter survives. Not the sympathy your were looking for, is it?

Start acting like a man and a father and not relying on others to take action. Take control of this situation and do what you need to do to protect your daughter. In the mean time, get off discussion forums and spend your time doing what you need to do. Not seeking advice and sympathy from people who can't help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of blaming your wife, grow up and be a better husband and father. It takes two to have a good marriage and she cannot do it all alone. You blame her for everything and take no responsibility.

I do not believe I am blaming my wife. Rather, I am trying to do what my daughters therapists suggest is best for DD.

I have to agree that I find it doubtful the therapist is putting the blame on your wife here. Her suggestion was most likely more of an indication that being a caregiver is draining and, like most people, your wife could use some support in coping with the situation and how to best help your daughter. It was not meant as a condemnation of her parenting. I think that's how you interpreted the therapist's comments because that's how you view things. In fact, if I wanted to be the cynic here, another interpretation is that the therapist recognizes your wife is shouldering the burden and you aren't supporting her. Regardless, focus on what you can do to help your daughter and stop trying to point fingers and rally support for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hi There,
I didn't bother to sign in but this is OreoTwin.
The author is a Christian and but many of his books are psychology books. Just because it is faith-based doesn't mean (1) it will influence you, and (2) you won't get any practical help and suggestion out of it. If you have to wait for a Jewish psychologist to come out with a similar book it might never happen. In this book for example, he explains that first born kids in a multiple kid family (the dynamics are different for an only child and families with only two kids) are normally type-A, leaders, strong-willed, good managers, but sometimes manipulative and control-freaks while the youngest ones are normally the clown, less organized and happy-go-lucky while the middle child is the peacemaker and very people-oriented. This is just to give you some things from the book that have nothing to do with religion but is basic psychoanalysis. Thanks.