No Attention from DH after Weight-Loss

[Anonymous]

I changed my eating habits in Jan (yay for cliched New Year's Resolution time) and have lost about 20 of the 40 pounds I need to lose. At this point the change is starting to be pretty noticeable (I'm back to my pre-baby #2 weight and I get to "shop my closet" with clothes I haven't worn for a while). My problem is that DH doesn't seem to notice it at all - either expressly or in terms of his interest in me (any interest - from low-key touching to sex and in between). 20 pounds ago I was able to write this off to my weight gain, but now it's starting to bug me, and make me think (realize?) that it's a bigger problem. Part of me thinks that he thinks it's better to not say anything (in his defense he never said anything when I gained the weight - which was primarily the result of PPD brought on be weaning baby #2). But (a larger) part of me feels devastated that he doesn't seem to have much interest. I've brought it up with him once and he sort of waved it away saying that we had been together for so long that he still loved me, he just didn't have the same passion he had 15 years ago. I know this is a fair response (and probably normal) but it felt devastating to me. Is this just the status quo? Has anyone had any success in rekindling interest/sex/attention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I changed my eating habits in Jan (yay for cliched New Year's Resolution time) and have lost about 20 of the 40 pounds I need to lose. At this point the change is starting to be pretty noticeable (I'm back to my pre-baby #2 weight and I get to "shop my closet" with clothes I haven't worn for a while). My problem is that DH doesn't seem to notice it at all - either expressly or in terms of his interest in me (any interest - from low-key touching to sex and in between). 20 pounds ago I was able to write this off to my weight gain, but now it's starting to bug me, and make me think (realize?) that it's a bigger problem. Part of me thinks that he thinks it's better to not say anything (in his defense he never said anything when I gained the weight - which was primarily the result of PPD brought on be weaning baby #2). But (a larger) part of me feels devastated that he doesn't seem to have much interest. I've brought it up with him once and he sort of waved it away saying that we had been together for so long that he still loved me, he just didn't have the same passion he had 15 years ago. I know this is a fair response (and probably normal) but it felt devastating to me. Is this just the status quo? Has anyone had any success in rekindling interest/sex/attention?

Maybe he has no sex drive. I have two female friends divorced because of their DHs inability to raise to the occasion and both are very fit and objectively attractive. Both have remarried men who regularly want to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my eating habits in Jan (yay for cliched New Year's Resolution time) and have lost about 20 of the 40 pounds I need to lose. At this point the change is starting to be pretty noticeable (I'm back to my pre-baby #2 weight and I get to "shop my closet" with clothes I haven't worn for a while). My problem is that DH doesn't seem to notice it at all - either expressly or in terms of his interest in me (any interest - from low-key touching to sex and in between). 20 pounds ago I was able to write this off to my weight gain, but now it's starting to bug me, and make me think (realize?) that it's a bigger problem. Part of me thinks that he thinks it's better to not say anything (in his defense he never said anything when I gained the weight - which was primarily the result of PPD brought on be weaning baby #2). But (a larger) part of me feels devastated that he doesn't seem to have much interest. I've brought it up with him once and he sort of waved it away saying that we had been together for so long that he still loved me, he just didn't have the same passion he had 15 years ago. I know this is a fair response (and probably normal) but it felt devastating to me. Is this just the status quo? Has anyone had any success in rekindling interest/sex/attention?

Maybe he has no sex drive. I have two female friends divorced because of their DHs inability to raise to the occasion and both are very fit and objectively attractive. Both have remarried men who regularly want to have sex.

IN other words, our friends divorced their husbands due to a medical issue. You surround yourself with some classy people.
Also, you are jumping really far to reach that conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Do something kinky next time you have sex.

[Anonymous]

OP: We do have sex (maybe 1/week or so?) so it's not that. It's just complete lack of attention, and a feeling that (for him) sex is just another item on his to-do list.

[Anonymous]

I mean...it’s kind of a problem if you were relying on the weight loss to fix what’s obviously an issue in your marriage. You should know by now that these kind of issues go way beyond a few pounds in either direction.

[Anonymous]

1) my husband NEVER mentioned EVER when I lost weight. In fact, I don't think he likes it at all. Who knows. I really don't know.

2) Your DH may be scared to say anything ... was he brought up to believe it is impolite to comment on someone's appearance?

3) have you asked him ... lead him to the compliment ... Wow, look, DH, I'm wearing these pants I haven't fit into since DD2 was born!!! Did you notice???

[Anonymous]

Compliment yourself! Appreciate your husband for who he is. Stop fishing for compliments and let him initiate intimacy. My two cents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We do have sex (maybe 1/week or so?) so it's not that. It's just complete lack of attention, and a feeling that (for him) sex is just another item on his to-do list.

Not to be too explicit but a few years ago I thought sex was just an item on my DH's to do list. So I did the ridiculous things of searching the internet for things that I could do to drive him wild ala a Cosmo girl! Well it worked and his renewed passion has spilled over into a lot more attention.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have advice, but I can commiserate. I was very heavy when DH and I started dating, and I always appreciated that he never said ANYTHING about my appearance. Now that I'm 100 pounds lighter, he still doesn't, and it makes me feel sad and invisible. No compliments ever -- not then, not now.

[Anonymous]

I don't say anything when my DW gains weight. I don't say anything when my DW loses weight. Commenting on DW's weight is a minefield. So I avoid the subject.

[Anonymous]

I think men are conditioned and told to NEVER comment on women's weights. Men say "wow you're looking great these days!" and the woman says "didn't you like me before? Why do you only love me when I'm thin?"

My DH never said a word about weight when I was pregnant or losing postpartum. I think he just thought the weight was temporary and falling off on it's own.

[Anonymous]

Ever say to someone "Hey, you look beautiful today." Then receive the response "Oh, so do I usually look like crap!"

Some people are very sensitive to any remarks regarding personal appearance, and you can't win even if you are complimenting them.

[Anonymous]

I would have a bigger problem with his response when you spoke to him about it. Where did his passion go?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? I hate admitting it but there's so many tasks to do with the little ones that everything starts to feel like another item on the list. If only someone could find a way to make more time.