Feeling Taken For Granted

[Anonymous]

I have been living with my boyfriend of a little over a year for 2 months. I do the majority of everything around the condo. I am the one to clean, grocery shop, do laundry, etc. The only thing he does is cook ( I’m terrible at it!). I am an RN and about to start a nurse practitioner program in August. I work up to 12 hour days, only to come home and have to handle everything. My boyfriend works a lot too, but I feel everything is on me. We connect very well, and I do know he loves me. He is just messy. Every other aspect of our life is great. We have lots of great sex, have a great time together, and he is my rock. We are talking about engagement, but I have doubts. We had discussed him taking on more responsibility, but he always talks about how much he works, as if me working + starting a rigorous program soon isn’t a lot of work. I love him and feel he is the one, but I don’t want a marriage of being the default person, and later a default parent. I don’t know what to do. I’ve akways dated men who were just as clean and self-sufficient as I am.

[Anonymous]

It will only get worse after you get married so you need to draw the line now. First, don't do his laundry and then build from there. If he has a problem doing his won laundry you will always be his servant.

[Anonymous]

You should have set ground rules before moving in together, and it's not too late to do that. You've only lived together for 2 months. Either pick a day or 2 each week for both of you to clean together or hire a cleaner. Stress to him how important it is to you that there needs to be a certain level of cleanliness around the condo. If you can't even work as a team, marriage is totally out of the question.

[Anonymous]

You should hook up with the person that started the thread that his wife is an entitled bum because he does everything around the house

[Anonymous]

It's only going to get worse after marriage and kids. Look at all the posts by women who work full time and still do all or most of childcare/household stuff. I bet they had warning signs like this and ignored them.

You two have only dated for a year. He should still be on his best behavior.

[Anonymous]

Don’t take the initiative to clean up. Tell him it’s his turn.

[Anonymous]

This is why living together first is always a good idea. You now know a fault of his that you may or may not be able to live with long-term. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

My mother's only marriage advice to me was, "Don't start something you aren't prepared to do for the rest of your life."

He's already let you know where is stands in terms of his level of participation. I'd be MUCH more concerned about how he blew off your upcoming courses. Do you feel your career can always be belittled like that for the rest of your life together? If so, carry on. If not, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why living together first is always a good idea. You now know a fault of his that you may or may not be able to live with long-term. Good luck, OP.

This is truly the best advice ever.

If he doesn’t change his ways, be glad that you are not bound by marriage + kids.
Lucky you, can just move out and find a guy who has better cleanliness standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been living with my boyfriend of a little over a year for 2 months. I do the majority of everything around the condo. I am the one to clean, grocery shop, do laundry, etc. The only thing he does is cook ( I’m terrible at it!). I am an RN and about to start a nurse practitioner program in August. I work up to 12 hour days, only to come home and have to handle everything. My boyfriend works a lot too, but I feel everything is on me. We connect very well, and I do know he loves me. He is just messy. Every other aspect of our life is great. We have lots of great sex, have a great time together, and he is my rock. We are talking about engagement, but I have doubts. We had discussed him taking on more responsibility, but he always talks about how much he works, as if me working + starting a rigorous program soon isn’t a lot of work. I love him and feel he is the one, but I don’t want a marriage of being the default person, and later a default parent. I don’t know what to do. I’ve akways dated men who were just as clean and self-sufficient as I am.

I have bad news for you. This is the reality for 99% percent of marriages. Everyone goes to the altar talking about how they are going to split their domestic responsibilities equally, but it almost never works out that way. Men usually end up being more career focused and women end up doing more of the domestic stuff. If this is unacceptable to you then I would seriously reconsider getting married, because that's how marriage usually works -- no matter what anyone tells you.

[Anonymous]

Can you hire a cleaning person? This doesn't seem like a big enough deal to take an otherwise good relationship over, especially when a lot of couples hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire a cleaning person? This doesn't seem like a big enough deal to take an otherwise good relationship over, especially when a lot of couples hire help.

+1

If you both work full-time and make decent money, it makes sense to farm some of this stuff out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been living with my boyfriend of a little over a year for 2 months. I do the majority of everything around the condo. I am the one to clean, grocery shop, do laundry, etc. The only thing he does is cook ( I’m terrible at it!). I am an RN and about to start a nurse practitioner program in August. I work up to 12 hour days, only to come home and have to handle everything. My boyfriend works a lot too, but I feel everything is on me. We connect very well, and I do know he loves me. He is just messy. Every other aspect of our life is great. We have lots of great sex, have a great time together, and he is my rock. We are talking about engagement, but I have doubts. We had discussed him taking on more responsibility, but he always talks about how much he works, as if me working + starting a rigorous program soon isn’t a lot of work. I love him and feel he is the one, but I don’t want a marriage of being the default person, and later a default parent. I don’t know what to do. I’ve akways dated men who were just as clean and self-sufficient as I am.

I have bad news for you. This is the reality for 99% percent of marriages. Everyone goes to the altar talking about how they are going to split their domestic responsibilities equally, but it almost never works out that way. Men usually end up being more career focused and women end up doing more of the domestic stuff. If this is unacceptable to you then I would seriously reconsider getting married, because that's how marriage usually works -- no matter what anyone tells you.

+1. And my husband is a neat freak. Women almost always end up the default parent and default household manager, happened to me and every one of my friends. This was not my intention, but it happened anyway. You may not want to get married. I would not do it again.

[Anonymous]

If he cooks regularly that’s great! No guy is perfect. This is why living together is a drag- all the wife duties, without the ring. Move out in a year if he hasn’t proposed.

[Anonymous]

Equally contribute to household help or move out. I’d stop doing all that stuff now though - you’re being ridiculous. You’re not his maid are you?