Feeling Taken For Granted

[Anonymous]

Is this the kind of partner you want to spend the rest of your life with? "Love" and all that are important, but it's the day-to-day that makes or breaks it.

I'd be concerned that after asking for what you need, he dismissed it. He also doesn't seem to respect the demands of your program and what you're doing. This spells bad news for the future. This is his attitude about division of labor, and it will be like this or probably worse if you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Don't break up. No one is perfect, and you sound happy with him otherwise. Married people work things out. Sit down with him with pen and paper to work out how you two will work this out. Suggestions: Don't do his laundry, you each do your own laundry. And since he cooks, which does take time, he should do the grocery shopping. Also since he's messy, he might not realize how much you're doing.

[Anonymous]

My DH (no kids) doesn’t always take initiative but responds well to suggestions on fairly dividing things. He is the cook for us too, so like someone else said, he does the grocery shopping. To add though, I don’t complain about the timetable of it. If I want specific things I write him a list with the brand and quantity, etc. if I run out of a snack I like or something, I don’t make him run out and go to the store. I wait until the next trip. I let him do the chore on his timetable. I do our laundry but he wears a uniform and I don’t want to ruin them, so he does those. So, if you just don’t do your boyfriend’s laundry, he won’t have a choice. He’ll figure it out. I’ve never been bossy or demeaning to my DH about chores. I’m always friendly about it and am sure to thank him when he does something that relieves my burden. It sounds almost childish but it gets things done, and by now I don’t even have to ask.

As far as mess goes, if you can afford a place with a spare room, give him his “room.” We have a three bedroom place but the third bedroom is really more like a glorified closet. We have a lot of shelves and racks in there so that’s my “room.” He gets the second bedroom for his clothes, shoes, and work gear. I don’t complain about what the state of his “room” is, and it keeps our bedroom from being too messy and cluttered.