change of circumstances has led to better relationship--how to sustain when we go back to reality?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have had issues in our relationship for a long time. We tried counseling a few years ago but nothing stuck. We both work full time and have a 5 year old. Long story short, I've had health issues which finally got to the point of me needing to take a leave of absence from work to get things under control.

It's been about a month and things are so much better in our relationship and our household is a much less tense place. We're spending a lot more time together and enjoying our time together. There's a lot more laughter, even though dealing with my health issues hasn't been fun. I know that taking away the stress of my job and what that means for our daily life is big, but we can't forego my salary so it's not an option to not return to work.

I am kind of dreading going back to reality because I don't want us going back to that place where we were both stressed all the time and took it out on each other. I really hate exposing our child to that. I'm not sure what concrete steps we can take to lessen the chances of that happening.

Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

A new job that you enjoy?

[Anonymous]

If getting a new job isn’t an option, think about the things that are making life easier now and then what you can do to replicate that. For example, if you’re both enjoying having a cup of coffee together in the morning, how can you ensure that happens when you’re working. If if can’t happen during the work week, how can you make it happen, meaning be intentional, on the weekends. If it’s about meals being easier since you’ve been off, what can you do—have groceries delivered or have those meal prep services.

[Anonymous]

Before you go back to work, you two need to make lists of what changed while you were home. Everything from your mood/attitude to you picking up more of the domestic labor, to the flexibility needed to care for your child.

And then you need to consciously divide up that labor for the future. Because I am guessing that the #1 change is that you are taking care of all the little fires that come up daily, and that you are no longer too tired to do your share of the domestic labor.

The stress and exhaustion are going to return. But you two now know that the problem is logistics. So plan for them. And if the main problem was actually your mood and attitude, then you need to figure out how to not let your stress/anger/depression/unhappiness affect how you speak to or interact with everyone else. That might look like more regular exercise or therapy, or journaling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If getting a new job isn’t an option, think about the things that are making life easier now and then what you can do to replicate that. For example, if you’re both enjoying having a cup of coffee together in the morning, how can you ensure that happens when you’re working. If if can’t happen during the work week, how can you make it happen, meaning be intentional, on the weekends. If it’s about meals being easier since you’ve been off, what can you do—have groceries delivered or have those meal prep services.

I was posting at the same time. EXACTLY. It isn't magic, but it does take some effort to get the balance right. You two have the gift of a breather right now to figure this out. Don't put it off until you're back at work.

[Anonymous]

I would start by trying to figure out, very specifically, why your relationship isn’t better when you’re not working. Is it because you don’t fight and/or resent each other over division of household chores becaus you have more time during the day to get them done? Do you spend more time relaxing and having fun together because there is more free time? Is it because usually you both come home tired and cranky after work and start taking that out on each other when you get home? Is it that you’re competing for free time without childcare responsibilities on evenings/weekends, and now that you get more of that during the week you don’t feel as much of a need for it when your DH is home and can let him have it instead?

Figuring out the details of the dynamic can make it easier to find solutions.

[Anonymous]

Downsize. Reduce your lifestyle, reduce your work (new job with less stress or reduce hours). Your job is clearly affecting your relationships with your loved ones. You need to look at the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you go back to work, you two need to make lists of what changed while you were home. Everything from your mood/attitude to you picking up more of the domestic labor, to the flexibility needed to care for your child.

And then you need to consciously divide up that labor for the future. Because I am guessing that the #1 change is that you are taking care of all the little fires that come up daily, and that you are no longer too tired to do your share of the domestic labor.

The stress and exhaustion are going to return. But you two now know that the problem is logistics. So plan for them. And if the main problem was actually your mood and attitude, then you need to figure out how to not let your stress/anger/depression/unhappiness affect how you speak to or interact with everyone else. That might look like more regular exercise or therapy, or journaling.

This is a good point. I think before we were both fiercely protecting our "time off". DH works from home so he has a lot more flexibility than I do. He can basically do what he wants all day as long as his work gets done, so he gets "fun time" frequently throughout the week while our child is in school and I'm at work. He goes to the gym daily, meets up with friends for lunch, has time for his hobbies etc all during the day (not everyday, but frequently), and then he makes plans for the weekends as well and I feel like I'm always "on". My job has no flexibility--I barely get a chance to go to the bathroom and scarf down something to eat in the middle of the day, so when I come home I'm exhausted and done. The health problems compound that by a lot. I'm also an introvert so I need time alone. When I'm working I rarely get time alone, although DH does let me sleep in on the weekends.

Since I've been home, I get the time I need during the day so I'm ready to be "on" at night or the weekends or whenever. I'm happy to prep dinner etc. where it was all such a complete chore before. We do try to simplify and have meal kits delivered, housecleaning service etc.

I can't deny that I'm a lot happier not working so I guess I need to figure out how to communicate in a less frustrated way when I'm feeling burnt out. It just stems from DH having so much more time to do what he wants to do so there was a lot of resentment that built up over time. -OP

[Anonymous]

I think it's good you're thinking about it now. The stress in our lives impacts our relationships. It's a shame that our lives get in the way of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's good you're thinking about it now. The stress in our lives impacts our relationships. It's a shame that our lives get in the way of our lives.

+1