Playdate dilemma - adore the mom, but the child runs amuck - now what?

[Anonymous]

I suspect I'm not the only one who has found a family or particular mom that they really enjoy where your child and their child are the same age and it seems like a match made in heaven for a new found friendship and future playdates - except the child is a lot of work, maybe more than it's worth? I find myself in this situation with a woman I've known for about a year. When our children were in the 6mo-12mo phase it was great. We could hang out with the kids and there were no disciplinary issues - they were so little and easy to playdate with. Now as our children are approaching the 2 year mark I'm seeing a very different situation. Her child is lovely at heart, but my friend's parenting style is very different than mine (which is fine) except that her child has very few, if any boundaries, and my friend as much as I really like her, is oblivious to things like her daughter's food covered hands all over my couch, or letting her grab food off the table and eat it anywhere in my house, letting her run around our house in muddy shoes or changing her child's poopy diaper amongst our toys (laying the open, poopy diaper in the middle of the play area), instead of using our changing station. Part of the problem is her child has no boundaries and hasn't been taught many rules and as result her child is also used to getting her way for almost everything and if she doesn't she screams (hence we'll just change you in the middle of toys instead of making you cry and go to the changing table). While these things are not horrible and mind you toddlers do make messes, it is very stressful having her over b/c of all of the cleanup and also the bad habits my child is now picking up. Is it okay to enforce my boundaries in my house? And if so, how do you do this for another person's child if they aren't doing it? Or do you just stop making playdates (I hate to do that)? I'm just not experienced in any of this etiquette and would really like some tips/feedback.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any tips for you-I am in a similar situation, though, and hope someone has some good advice to share. I don't want to make the other mom feel like she is a bad mom, but I dread the damage! I have tried to to limit hosting at my house, but after awhile, that stops working. Can't wait for the better weather to get everyone outside.

[Anonymous]

Also in a similar situation, OP. In my case the other little boy hits my child, calls other children "STUPID!" (and I mean he screams it in their faces), etc. I am most concerned about the behaviors rubbing off on my child. As the OP said, it comes down to very basic differences in parenting styles. I like the other mom but we're not close enough for me to be direct and share my concerns with her. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Can you stick to more neutral turf for the playdates (park, etc.)? What about saying to the other mom something like "I'm uncomfortable doing diaper changes in the middle of their play area -- I might be neurotic, but the idea of contamination really bugs me [even though you aren't necessarily being neurotic of course]. Can you help me brainstorm where else we can have you change your daughter besides the changing table, which I know she doesn't like?" That's more or less non-confrontational and it might click in with the mom that's she's not being fully sensitive to your needs and personal space. These ideas are directed to the OP where it does just seem like different parenting styles. The hitting and calling another child stupid feels like it is in a different category -- there the priority for me would be to protect my own child and I might start making some excuses and backing out of play dates.

[Anonymous]

I've never really been in this situation, so please take this with a grain of salt. I think it's possible to enforce some house rules without overstepping on the other mom's toes or resort to disciplining someone else's child. Children will sometimes listen to another adult, even if they don't always listen to their mom. So you can say things like, "we eat at the table in this house" if you see the child running around with food all over your house. The child will learn that when she's at your house, she has to follow your rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never really been in this situation, so please take this with a grain of salt. I think it's possible to enforce some house rules without overstepping on the other mom's toes or resort to disciplining someone else's child. Children will sometimes listen to another adult, even if they don't always listen to their mom. So you can say things like, "we eat at the table in this house" if you see the child running around with food all over your house. The child will learn that when she's at your house, she has to follow your rules.

I agree the above is probably true. You may even go gentler -- like "[Name}, I'd prefer if you come join us at the table while eating." The child may happily honor your request since she's got a different relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar issue but thankfully from the early start of the relationship began setting limits - we were actually friends for a few years and then each had children and have very different parenting styles. Her DC#1 was older and I would explain that I only allow juice in the kitchen, take our shoes off when we come in the house, don;t allow jumping on furniture, etc. I didn't /don't see any problem with having different sets of rules - that is going to be part of every day life and starts early on.
Thankfully, my friend has not had any issues but I can tell it is a bit ore stressful for her to do anything I my house b/c she is constantly saying 'no' to her children. I try to let a few things go from time to time also but do try to reinforce rules of the house. Usually the kids, as expected, follow my commands better -my DS does the same.
Starting this far into the relationship is a bit more difficult. Sometimes when we come in from outside and it has been muddy - I'll start to remind my child that once we get in the door we need to take off our shoes - sending a message to others also. Likewise, when they ask for snacks, I'll tell them "OK but we need to keep this in the kitchen..or sit at the table....etc. Slowly integrating these rules as 'reminders' might help. If the other parent questions or is uncomfortable, just explain that you are trying to reinforce certain behaviors with your DC.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP above the PP. One reason I suggested reframing the directive into a request is that by doing so you're both getting your own needs met (probably -- at least try it and see if it works) and at the same time respecting the other mom's preference that her child not be the subject of commands and authoritative rules. By meeting this mom half-way in this manner she might start collaborating with you to solve the problem (even indirectly) and is less likely to take it as a personal critique of her parenting style. KWIM? It might also be interesting to just have a dialogue with her maybe in a setting when your kids aren't underfoot about what each of you is hoping for with respect to your childrearing, what's important to you, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in a nearly identical situation except the other adult is my sister, not my friend. The relevant part being, in my mind, is that your sibling is stuck with you for the long-term, whereas a friend can just decide not to hang out any more (and so maybe we are more delicate with their feelings and our words? Just a thought).

So with my sister and her toddler-now-preschooler, my approach has just been to take a kindly, happy attitude with respect to How We Do Things In This House. We take off our shoes, we limit juice/food to the eating areas, we use markers/paints/glitter only in the kitchen.

I speak directly to the child (kindly, pleasantly). My niece has zero boundaries in her own house, save for The Biggies (no hitting, etc)., and so literally everything I say to her is a brand new concept. The upshot being, I keep repeating myself, but so what.

So I would advise you to speak directly to the child if that's possible, and -- importantly -- describe what you tell her as rules of the house. As opposed to, "YOU need to bring your juice in the kitchen," you say, "We drink juice only in the kitchen."

Now if momfriend isn't going to help you out here -- namely by physically going and getting her kid when her kid doesn't listen to you (and that will happen), then, I say it's a fine time to ask her directly if she "wouldn't mind" getting DC back in the kitchen, thank you.

[Anonymous]

PP, how is it working out for you with your sis? Are there hard feelings or resentments on either side? I have an instinct my SIL, who I adore, is going to have a different parenting style than my own. Won't matter much for a while because the babies are still under a year old. (BTW, I'm the one who leans to the less-rules-based style, but at the same time I'm very alert to being respectful of other people so I plan to take my role in keeping my own little one from creating havoc in someone else's environment very seriously.)

[Anonymous]

I'm 14:49 PP, with the sister. I forgot to mention the most relevant part, Duh. The results.

So my niece has, over time, gotten with the program at our house when she plays with her cousin. She's a happy kid who enjoys making others happy, so it was fairly easy for her to remember to stay in the kitchen with her syrupy pancakes and not wander into the living room and set the pancakes on the stereo.

re: my sister, she has confessed that she 1. feels somewhat on pins and needles at our house, bc she has to keep more of an eye on her daughter than she would at her house 2. thinks i'm too anal because of how we do things over here, esp. with respect to where children may or may not eat food. 3. says i should relax more, or else DC will be uptight.

I don't know who is right, maybe we are both right. Maybe childhood IS a time to put syrupy pancakes in the stereo, because Lord knows you don't get to do that too much in your 40s.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the 1414 post - be diplomatic (so you don't step on any toes), but also assertive (if is your house and your rules after all).

If you see the mom about to change a dirty diaper in the middle of the play area then instantly redirect her to the changing station - "oh...could I get you to change the diaper over here instead of amidst the toys?"

If the child is getting her dirty hands all over the couch and furniture say "X, let's go rinse our hands before playing".

Be cheerful about it and positive. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised. If the mom has a problem with this than perhaps she isn't all that she appears to be.

[Anonymous]

You could always make shower curtain covers for your chairs, table (and rugs) like another mom posted last week!

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the input. I think I need to work on ways to positively suggest/enforce our rules in our house, so I don't hurt feelings, but don't compromise my house rules and those that my child abides by. I will try that approach. Often times I'm just busy running around and it's hard to keep an eye on her child and mine, and make lunch, clean up or whatever, so I just have to learn to refocus my energy and my efforts better. The concern I have is I a situation where her child doesn't listen for instance, if I say "let's bring the juice back to the table" and her child doesn't and the mom doesn't do anything to help (which is likely), then my choice is to take the juice away and make the child cry (which she will if she doesn't get her way) or let it go which is a real slippery slope. How does one handle that situation?

[Anonymous]

If I am having more than one child over for a playdate, I usually send an e-mail prior to the playdate and remind people of our house rules. They are pretty common sense - where you can eat and drink, that all juice boxes get thrown away in the trash, a request that shoes be left by the back door or on the deck, that all outdoor toys stay outdoors within the fenced area of the yard, that all indoor toys stay inside, etc.

When people come over for the playdate, if a child is overstepping a boundary, I intervene and say very matter of factly that we do it this way in our house. I am persistent, but always nice and matter of fact and have never had a problem with kids not following what I've requested -- though sometimes it takes a few prompts and some gentle physical redirection to get younger kids to where you need them to be. On the occasions where parents overstepped, I usually either present it as an offer (ie, we have a changing area for you to use, let me show you where it is - at which point I pick up their stuff and start walking in the direction I want them to follow) or I let them know that we don't do things that way (ie, I'm sorry, I must have forgotten to let you know that we are working on teaching the kids not to eat in the living room. I have a booster seat that you can use at the kitchen table - and again pick up their stuff and walk to the table).

The way I figure it is this. If I were to be at someone's house and inadvertantly do something that my hosts felt was offensive, I would feel terrible. So, I am appreciative when I am redirected and I try to redirect my friends and their kids when things are not going well at my house. I've never found it to be a problem.