Playdate dilemma - adore the mom, but the child runs amuck - now what?

[Anonymous]

What is interesting to me is that there are some parents out there that don't see a problem with their little ones wiping their messy hands on someone else's couch. Messes happen in my house and of course I tell my daughter to be more careful, etc.-otherwise our house would be pretty grose, but she can get away with a lot more. But when I am at someone else's house, I tend to raise my cleanliness standards and would quickly try and deter my child from ruining someone else's things. I would deter her from using foul language and from hitting other children. i would also calmly stop her from jumping on someone else's furniture. It should be my responsibilty to teach my child manners, not the other parent's and I would be embarrassed to have to put someone else in the position to discipline my child. That doesn't mean they can't have fun and it doesn't mean they can't jump on the bed in my house, but they should understand that they need to treat other people's things with respect.

On the other hand, if the other parent is extremely anal and gets upset over a glass of water spilled on the floor, or toys being thrown about, things that I find pretty harmless, then I would host more playgroups or take it outside.

And if the other mom doesn't "get it" and allows her child to go crazy in my home, I would focus on detering her child from doing the things that bother me the most or avoid the situation in the first place. Snack time? switch out the sugar glazed donuts for carrots or rice cakes/hard cookies. Pass these out when the kids are sitting on a big blanket (make it a picnic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is pretty simple. Respect someone elses house, rules what ever. and they should do the same for you. If I offend someone b/c I ask that their child not eat on my couch, I don't that overly senitive person in my life. I don't have time for those type of people. I am glad they would not want to come back, because if they did not control their child in my house, they would not be invited back.

This is the problem - when it is an all or nothing option - then what you are saying is "our friendship or my house ". If you are happy to lose friends that's well and good but my friends are important to me and my DS's to him. I really don't value my house being tidy 24/7 above them - I just don't. I am an earlier PP who said that I have never had a situation where a friend and/or her kids have caused so much chaos that I no longer want them in my house. I am okay with cleaning up after my guests should the need arise. To me that is what being a good host is about.

I respect that for others this may not be the same and, if, as with the case of the PP, you would rather I never returned to your house than return with a child that may bring juice outside of your kitchen, then to me we were not really friends in the first place. My son is very well behaved and would not misbehave in another person's house but I would not feel comfortable in a house with too many rules thrown at me as soon as I walk in or sent to me via e-mail before I even arrive. I would be nervous that my DS or me would inadvertently do something that would upset the host. For instance, he may wonder out of the kitchen with a juice box or sit on the sofa with a cookie in his hand. He is 6 and may not remember all the rules in a new house.

My friends and I spend a lot of time in each other's houses and thankfully we are pretty similar we don't get stressed about children doing this or that. I do have a couple of friends with babies. Most will take their babies into the bathroom to change them but one friend just lays the child on the floor in the sitting room. I cannot imagine having a "Talk" with her about it. She may agree with me but I know that it would embarrass her and I would not want to do that to her. But that's just me.
OP I did not mean to take your post of course - just to say that perhaps a more laid back approach might save your friendship with this lady you profess to adore.

[Anonymous]

Amen-OP when you ask for advice you are going to get it --seems as though you were only willing to listen to people who sympathized with you and the ones who didn't agree with you were "off" in your opinion. I think quite a few of us read through the lines and saw you as being a bit passive aggressive and controlling. Why? It isn't a big deal to say-"Whoops seems like Johnny and Suzy have gotten themselves dirty, let's wash them up" to take care of the couch situation or "Oh Suzy has a poopy, why don't you take care of it over here"--those are understandable things and I find it hard to believe anyone who is sane would say "No I insist on doing this poopy right here and refuse to move it over there as you ask"--The other clutter, toys everywhere really isn't the worst thing--take 15 minutes tops to put everything in order--you need to relax or find other anal friends.